Capture Your Grief- Day 2

Before Loss Self Portrait

This picture was taken on our wedding day- June 17th, 2006.... It seems like a different life. This girl has only been out of college for one year. She spends her days taking care of kids with cancer and isn't oblivious to the fact that kids die. But she knows that kind of thing only happens to other people. This girl is marrying her best friend and they are about to start their life together. She is pretty sure its going to be perfect.

She has no idea...

This picture was taken on October 22, 2010. Two days before Ellie got sick.

That lady in this picture is oblivious to what lies ahead. Blissfully unaware that everything is on the verge of falling apart. This lady just spent the afternoon at the mall with her mom and her two kids. That lady had the nerve to buy a Christmas dress for her daughter. She, without the slightest bit of hestitation, assumed that her daughter would be there to wear it.

She was wrong.

I say SHE because even though thats my face in these pictures- I am no longer that person. That person stopped existing the moment the doctor looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I'm sorry." Ellie took that lady with her when she left.

I feel, all at once, jealousy towards and pity for the lady in this picture. One on hand, I am envious of her blissful ignorance. She does not know the pain that comes with losing a child. She doesn't have a giant hole in her heart that cannot be fixed. But I also feel bad for her. She doesn't know whats coming. I know what's coming and I want to jump into the picture and yell at her to pick up that baby and never let her go. Breathe her in.

In these pictures, she didn't know what I know now...

Capturing Your Grief: Day One

October is here.

I have spent the last 11 months dreading its return.

Its already pushing down hard; making it difficult to breathe. The familiar feelings of desperation, hopelessness and sadness have started creeping in... making themselves at home. The crisp fall air that used to invigorate me, now breezes in to steal my breath away. Brilliant reds and yellows covering the trees bring me back to the day I first stood over a pile of freshly turned earth. The darkness of night starts to descend earlier and signals the start of the holiday season...

Two years ago, Ellie was here. She was alive. She was breathing in that fresh fall air. Then all of a sudden, she wasn't. She was just gone. And even though this last year was easier than the previous, the fall has hit hard. October hit hard.

The busyness of a special needs child, two newborns and Ellie's Light has provided unbelievable reprieve from the constricting grief that follows the loss of a child... but if there is one thing I've learned the last two years, it's that grief comes in waves. And lately, it's hitting hard. Our house is filled with laughter and happiness- there is no denying that. But it should be filled with more laughter. There should be more chaos. No amount of busyness can cover up what we are missing. I have gladly lost myself in the here and now of our life the last few months. But fall has rushed in and brought with it, all those feelings of what used to be and what is felt like those first few months without her...

Over the past few months, I've stepped away from this part of my life. I rarely blog and although I still read some blogs, I'm not as dedicated as I should be to some people that have been really good friends. I needed a break from it, I needed to really focus on being present for the children that are still here- in front of me. But I feel like that backing away has also made me feel like I've backed away from Ellie. And I'm not ok with that.

For awhile, I haven't been able to separate my happy memories from the sadness of not having her here. I have a hard time looking at her pictures, videos make me burst into tears. In my efforts to avoid the sadness- the grief, I've avoided Ellie. That makes me feel like a horrible mom.

I miss my baby. Just thinking that makes my throat tighten and tears come to my eyes. Fall has arrived, and with it, all the feelings I've so successfully dodged... like I said, I hate October.

Besides October being the month we lost Ellie, it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The wonderful and amazing CarlyMarie has put together a project to raise awareness and allow us to speak about our grief and our babies. Each day, we are supposed to take a certain picture and share it others. The project is called "Capture Your Grief." And for me, it couldn't be more fitting- perfect timing...

So here it is...

Day One: Sunrise

Of course, I didn't get a picture of today's sunrise. The babies had just eaten and I fell back to sleep in bed with Levi... By the time I woke up, people were getting crabby and hungry again. So I am going to share a picture we already have.

I swear, since Ellie died, there have been more pink and purple sunsets than ever before. I am convinced that they are Ellie's way of telling us that she's still here, looking over us. We tell the kids that those brilliant pink and purple sun scapes are her paintings for them. One of Ellie's paintings always seems to appear just when we need it most... that's my girl... I thank her every time we get one.

Christmas 2010 was Ellie's two month Angelversary. It was supposed to be her first Christmas- not our first without her. We didn't put up a tree. We weren't in the mood for Christmas. Max was newly diagnosed with autism and hated presents. He didn't understand the magic of Christmas. We had no reason to celebrate. So we decided to flee. Thankfully, our families fled with us. We traveled to Duluth and spent Christmas in a condo overlooking Lake Superior. It was beautiful.

These pictures were taken on Dec 27th, 2010. We were packing up to go home- back to reality. Our new horrible, nightmarish reality. It was bitterly cold outside. We had just survived our first round of holidays without Ellie and were weeks away from her first birthday. I didn't want to go home.

But Ellie knew. She understood.

This was of her way of saying it was ok.

So we took her word for it. Packed our things. And headed back home to face life without her...

Four months x2

Levi

Weight: 13lb 2oz

Clothing size: 6 months- although some stuff is getting a little tight!

Diaper Size: size 2

Nicknames: Little Fly Guy, Pork Chop, 'Fraidy Baby

Food: I fear what our grocery bill will be when we have two teenage boys in this house! Levi is an eating machine! He takes 4-5 oz every 2-3 hours. His bedtime bottle is usually 6oz! Still taking the Gentlease formula. We won't be starting any type of solids with him until he has much better head and trunk control! I will probably wait until about 6 months!

Sleep: Levi usually only wakes up once during the night to eat- occassionally twice. He usually goes to sleep around 8:30pm and wakes up for his bottle around 5 am. Thankfully he goes back to sleep for a couple hours. We are starting to establish some more regular naps, but three mornings a week we are at therapy so those naps are more scattered and shorter. Levi usually takes a good afternoon nap and a short cat nap around dinner time. Still in the rock and plays. We had one failed attempt at sleeping on his back- he only last 45 min! I'm not really sure what to do about him, I think he is too strong for the Nap Nanny but isn't ready to sleep flat yet...

The Good: starting to get into a routine- and it is soooo nice! The mostly sleeping through the night thing is awesome! When Levi is really sleepy, you can sometimes set him down with his blankie and nuk and he will actually put himself back to sleep! The flat spot on Levi's head is getting better and the pediatrician said he does not think Levi will need any sort of further intervention (read: no helmet!!) besides PT.

The Bad: The Puke. Oh the puke. The last couple weeks have been really bad on the reflux front. It hasn't really been bothering him, which is good, and (knock on wood) we haven't had any laryngospasms in over a week.... But he throws up on everything. And throws up a lot. Gross... Even though Levi has improved the range of motion in his neck, we've noticed (myself and his PT) that he has some core weakness. He still has a hard time holding his head up without wobbling, he slouches and holds himself in a "C" shape. The dr and PT both believe this is related to overcrowding in utero and not something neurological.

Firsts: Eating at a restaurant- with Mommy and Ma- the Original Pancake House! Grabbing onto toys and putting them in his mouth. Starting to notice strangers and when Mommy isn't holding them. Starting to make new different sounds with his mouth.

Life with Levi: Unless Levi is hungry or tired- which I guess he is quite a bit!- he is smiling! He is so easy to get a smile or belly laugh from! He is incredibly ticklish- sometimes we don't even have to touch him, just pretend to tickle him, and he laughs! He always has a lot to say and he says it loud! Levi makes the cutest little determined face when he is trying to reach for something and bats his stiff little arm around. He would love to get his hands on Addy and just stares at her. Levi wants what Addy has- be it a toy or being held, but when he sees she has a bottle- he is suddenly starving! I call Levi my little 'fraidy baby because it seems like he is afraid of everything! Every noise or sudden movement makes him jump.

Addison

Weight: 11lb 12oz

Clothing Size: mostly six months, but some 3 months

Diaper Size: size 2

Nicknames: Buggy, Buggy Buggy Boo, Buggers, Little Squeaky, Little Girl

Food: Breastmilk 4-5 oz every 3hrs (give or take). She also has about 5 or 6 oz before bed.

Sleep: She has gotten over whatever her issue was the first month or so, and usually goes down pretty easy. There are still some evenings that she wants to be up and party, or she just won't give in to her heavy eyelids. I think Addy is worried that she is going to miss something exciting! She usually falls asleep around 9pm and wakes up between 5 and 6 am for her bottle. Then she goes back to sleep for a few hours- usually waking up for the day around 8am. Like Levi, her morning naps are choatic due to therapy and being out of the house, but she is getting more consistent in the afternoon. She also takes a cat nap in the evening around dinner time. She is also still in her rock and play but we are practicing taking naps in the Leachco Podsters in their cribs.

The Good: Addy was discharged from PT because her hip muscles have relaxed and her head shape has normalized! Woohoo! We stopped giving her the medication she was taking for reflux and so far so good. I'll give it a few more days before I'll decide if she's ok without it. Addy is pretty predictable in what she wants and needs, which makes life easier and is making it easier to get them into a routine!

The Bad: Addy is has been spitting up more than she was, but it doesn't seem to bother her so that's why we are stopping the meds. She will hate me for this some day, but the girl needs to quit pooping so much! I don't even know how many dirty I change a day on this girl- I feel like it's all the time!! She usually earns a new outfit at least once a day because of this too! Definitely not very lady like!

Life with Addy: Each day, Addy is acting more and more like her big sister. I love it! Addy is so quick with a smile and now she is starting to act like she is shy. She will smile at someone and then tuck her head in. She is a little stinker. Addy will stick out her lip, give a little cry and as soon as she gets what she wants- she smiles. Addy doesn't talk much, but she screeches! And loud! I swear sometimes she shrieks in such a high pitch that only the neighborhood dogs can hear it! Addy is a little bit of a diva and doesn't really like you to talk or make noise if she is eating her bottle or trying to go to sleep. She wants what she wants and there is no negotiating otherwise. Addy will smile at her brother but acts a little too cool for him when he is trying to get her attention. Addy loves to suck on her fingers and can be made happy by just taking off her socks. Silly girl.

Some more pictures of the small people...

One year later!

Miracle!

My newest nephew!

On Monday Sept 17th little Alexander Brooks joined the family!

seriously- how cute is he??

He's perfectly cute! Tons of hair (poor Addy- now even her younger male cousin has more hair than her!), super long feet with super long toes! Ears like his brother and the cutest little baby cry. And a pretty adorable goat cry when he gets mad!

Alex and his Mommy Emily

Alex and proud big bro Evan

Alex and his Daddy, Micheal

Meeting the cousins

even cute when he's screaming!

Three months x2

Time is flying by!! I don't even know where the last three months have gone!!
Well actually I know exactly where it's gone-- diaper changes, feeding, pumping, therapy, driving, Ellie's Light fundraiser... It definitely has not gone to sleeping though!!

So the babies turned three months old on the 18th... A quarter of a year- a third of Ellie's life...

Levi

Weight: not really sure- haven't been weighed in awhile

Clothing size: just switched most things over to six months.

Diaper: size one- almost at size two

Nicknames: My Little Fly Guy, Yucky Ducky, Mister

Food: Gentlease formula about every two to three hours during the day. I tried giving him breast milk again but it came back up right away- like almost as soon as it hit his stomach- and he was miserable and pukey for the rest of the night. So formula it is. I hate that I have all this breast milk in the freezer and here he is on formula.- but oh well. He's growing- he's healthy- and he's not writhing in reflux pain so that's the most important thing.

Sleep: Current growth spurt aside- Levi usually wakes up once a night for a bottle and wakes between 6-7am for another. He usually goes back to sleep for an hour or so, but sometimes he's up to play for awhile. Levi goes to sleep at night fairly easily- usually between 8-9pm. He is still sleeping in his rock and play but we really need to get him out of it though!

The Bad: At his two month check up his pediatrician casually mentioned that he might have some mild torticollis. After really looking at him and watching him for about a week, I noticed that his face wasn't really symmetrical and that he was starting to get a flat spot on the back of his due to his preference on what way his head laid. We have also since noticed that he holds his body in a "C" shape. This is all related to being a multiple and the way that he was laying in the womb. So he gets PT once a week, the chiropractor, and lots of tummy time, as well as some stretching. We don't think he will need a helmet to fix his flat spot since we hopefully caught it early enough. Levi is still having laryngospasms from his reflux and I feel so bad for him when it happens. At least he can now handle it and we've never had a episode like the first one!

The Good: The smiles and laughs. Levi has a great laugh and loves to "chat." He can be very loud and serious and I swear that he understands what we are talking about sometimes! My 17year old cousin has been helping me out this summer (actually I don't know how I would have survived without her!) and Levi is rather smitten with her. Anytime we talk to him about his Kaelin he smiles and laughs. He just loves her! It's adorable!

Firsts: Started getting interested in watching his toys at bought nine weeks old. Started grabbing for them at about 13 weeks. County fair at 12 weeks old- he hated it! It was bright and sunny, and the road was bumpy.

Life with Levi: Levi is such a little sweetie. He is generous with the smiles and laughs, and is very vocal. He is very animated and sometimes the faces he makes are hilarious! He can be very serious and concerned but it easily amused! He doesn't really like being outside- not a fan of the sunshine or the wind. He's pretty laid back but usually wakes up crying. His cry is very high pitched and whiny- he sure knows how to get you hoppin'! Although my husband has declared Levi our most disgusting child, I just love the way he smells- it's intoxicating! He loves bath time! He goes insane and splashes like crazy! We get soaked!

Addy

Weight: not sure

Clothing size: I took out the six months clothing but really only the rompers fit her- the rest is still too big. So mostly 3 months.

Diaper size: Ones

Nicknames: Pretty girl, Buggy, Buggers, Little Buggy Boo-Boo, Squeaky

Food: pumped breast milk every 2 to 3 hours except over night. I gave up trying to get her to latch a while ago- it was very stressful for her and she even struggles with a bottle- so enough is enough. I am getting really sick of pumping (and super sore too!) and we have quite the stock pile in the freezer because I was pumping enough for both. Now I think I probably get about enough for 1.5 babies!

Sleep: Once Addy is asleep, she does great. There are still evenings when she is up until 11pm, but those are getting to be less often. She sleeps through the night usually once a week, and otherwise wakes up once to eat and then goes back to sleep. She usually wakes between 6-7am for a bottle and then almost always goes back to sleep until 8-9am. Addy likes to sleep away most of the morning!

The Bad: Addy also has a flat spot on her head and some tightness in her hips (but no dysplasia!) that is requiring some PT and chiropractics. These issues are also related to being a multiple and the way she was positioned on the inside. She doesn't really like her hips to be extended but is slowly getting better about it. The evening fussiness is better- or at least we have been better at figuring out what makes her happy- but sometimes she just screams. After her bath, as soon as the towel is wrapped around her- it starts. Sometimes she cries through her bottle and on and off for a couple hours. Other nights, she goes down just fine. She doesn't coo or babble a lot, which worries me. She does do it- but not very often.

The Good: No hip dysplasia- which is awesome! We switched her to Prilosec which seems to help. We haven't had a power puke in the evening in several weeks! Lots of adorable little smiles!!

Firsts: Laughs- although she is pretty particular about handing these out- she did start doing it around 10 weeks. She has the highest pitched, squeakiest laugh I have ever heard- it's hilarious! Standing- with help of course- at about 13 weeks. She is so strong in her legs! Watching her toys- about 10 weeks. Reaching for them- about 13 weeks. County Fair at 12 weeks- she pretty much cried the whole time. She was so tired and wouldn't sleep in the loud, bumpy and warm environment.

Life with Addy: Addy cracks me up with her little attitude. She is only three months old and I already know we are in trouble! She'll cry and as soon as she gets what she wants- she flashes a smile at you. She smirks like she knows she's a stinker! Addy is very particular and wants to be held a certain way to go to sleep and has a hard time taking a bottle. Sometimes she doesn't want you to sit, or sit in a certain place anyways, when she is trying to rest. She doesn't like to be messed with and doesn't like the pretty headbands I try to put her in! Addy LOVES her toys, especially the playmat, and smiles at the toys and that pretty little girl in the mirror. It's pretty adorable!

Some other pics of the small people...