11 months without her

I can't believe in one month, it will be one year since we've held, seen or kissed our little girl. It's been a rough day, and there are have been several tears. We were at home this morning cleaning, and I spent the morning being very crabby. Even after eleven months, it's hard not to let this day get to me. I HATE this day. HATE. I know her death certificate (nasty words to apply to a nine month old) and headstone (more nasty words) say she passed away on October 25th, but I know she left on the 24th. At least the Ellie we knew left that day... so yeah, I HATE the 24th.

Today we went to the apple orchard with our friends. The same friends we went with last year, to the same orchard. One the eleventh month anniversary of her passing. I cried before we even got there. I did fine there- it helped that Max loved picking the apples and "dunking" them into the baskets. But there were several adorable little girls walking around, just like ours should have been. I almost had to give one little girl the heimlich because her dumb family members gave her an apple that was too big for her and then let her play in the hay. When she started gasping for air, her teenage sister proceeding to stick her finger into the girl's throat and actually push the apple piece in further! I was about to grab her (I was seriously was, my heart had already started racing) when her dad whacked on the back and she started coughing herself... thankfully she hacked it up. Crisis diverted. BTW dumb teenage girl, DON'T blindly stick your finger into a choking child's mouth.

Anyways, we all came back to our house, had dinner, made apple crisp with fresh picked apples and hung out. It was really nice having a distraction on such a crappy day.

So on our way home I was reading a FB message from my cousin Jen, and it was about a conversation with her almost four year old son Jon. Jon is an amazing little boy. Seriously one of the funniest kids I've ever met, smart, and such a sweetheart. Some of you may remember what he said at her first birthday party- here.

The conversation between my cousin and her son of course made me cry. I'm so glad that Jon remembers and thinks of the cousin he only met a couple of times. But I'm so sad that he has had to learn the hard lesson of life and death at such a young age. The innocence and honesty that has come from him and my nephew since Ellie died is both heartbreaking and refreshing...

From Jen: Last night when we were saying bedtime prayers Jon asked about Ellie.

"Mom? Do you remember Baby Ellie?"

"Yes. Do you?"

"Yeah. Where did she go again?"

"Baby Ellie went to heaven to be with the angels."

"Oh. Why'd she have to go there?"

"Because she got very sick and couldn't get better so God took her to Heaven."

"Oh. Where's her bones?"

"Do you remember when we went to Ellie's Park and let go of all the balloons?" Our family refers to Ellie's grave site as "Ellie's Park", for what it is, it's beautiful.

"Yeah."

"That's where her bones are."

"If her bones are there, how do her wings work?"

"When people go to Heaven they get brand new bodies when they get their wings. Ellie has healthy new bones in Heaven."

"Oh. When does she come back down here?"

"She doesn't. But she watches us from Heaven everyday."

"That's why we send her balloons?"

"Yes, we send her balloons so she knows we love her and are thinking of her."

"I love her. Is Nanny still sad?" "Nanny" is my cousin Tiffany, Ellie's mommy.

"Yes honey, Nanny is still sad."

"I love her, too. Should we say prayers for Ellie?"

"Yes."

"And Nanny and Doof and Max?" "Doof" is Dave, Ellie's daddy and Max is Ellie's brother.

"Yes."

"Can you help me say it?"

"Yes. What would you like to say?"

"Dear God, please keep Baby Ellie safe with the Angels...And...what else?"

"Should we say 'Please help Nanny and Doof and Max everyday?'"

"Yeah that's a good one. What else?"

"Should we say 'Thank you for sharing Baby Ellie with us?'"

"Yeah, that was nice that Baby Ellie got to be here."

"And what do we say when we're done?"

"AaaaaaaaMEN! I liked that prayer Mom."

Oh my gosh, I'm crying again...

Jon~ You're a sweet little boy, and I know that Ellie watches over you every day.
Jen~ Thank you so much for talking to Jon about Ellie so that he doesn't forget. The things you said to Jon were perfect and beautiful.
We love you guys!


I believe that one year ago today we were at the arboretum taking family pictures. I can't say how thankful I am that we did pictures that day. They are some of the only pictures we have of our whole family, and they are stunning. Some are prophetic and almost telling of what was to come in just one month. Here's just one of those pictures, but tomorrow I will share more. It will do my heart good to look through those pictures tomorrow and share them with you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remembering September 24th, 2010

If you haven't figured it out by now, my kids liked to play with the Tupperware.