Scrooge?

I really can't believe that we are on the verge of another Christmas without Ellie. Last year, the 24th and 25th were Ellie's two month Angelversary. The only way we survived last year was with all of the wonderful support we had. Our friends check in on us, our families followed us up to Duluth for a long weekend. People hung up the ornament we made in Ellie's memory on their tree and told us it would be there every year... We went through the motions and I managed to make it through with only a few meltdowns- thank you Valium....
This year is different. My mind is clearer, unfortunately, and the pain isn't as sharp. But this year, it's a different kind of heartbreak. The permanency of Ellie's absence is undeniable. There will always be one stocking on the mantel that is never stuffed for a little girl that will excitedly tear into it Christmas morning. A fuzzy-footed pj clad little girl with brown curls will never jump into our bed at the break of dawn on Christmas morning begging to go downstairs and see what Santa brought. The items purchased for Ellie, will never be held by her chubby little hands. Instead, they will be gently placed on a shelf to be dusted every so often by a sad Mommy.
While I buy toys for my nephew and son, I look for pink and purple Christmas decorations that can be placed at the cemetery. Tomorrow, Dave and I will go out to the cemetery and hang pretty pink and purple ornaments in Ellie's tree. That's the closest I will get to be to my baby's body tomorrow. Like I said, this year it's just too obvious. My daughter, although she was here for nine months, never got to celebrate a Christmas...
And then there's my Max. My reason for surviving the last 14 months. This little boy cracks me up all day long, and despite his sometimes maddening tantrums and obsessions, he is, by and far, the most amazing kid I know. But Christmas with Max, isn't the Christmas I had always imagined having with a young child. He refused to decorate cookies, after two minutes- the gingerbread house decorating turned into a scream fest, he will NOT watch any Christmas movies and he hates to open presents. However, and this is pretty huge, we went to see Santa and he actually liked it! I brought him and my nephew yesterday, they both waited in the 40 min. line with no whining (so impressed with Max!), Max actually got excited when he saw Santa and heard the sleigh bells (he said, "I think I hear reindeer bells!"). He sat on Santa's lap and even though he totally ignored Santa- we got a picture! And Max is smiling. I was so happy I could have done back flips!
While our Santa experience does give me hope for a "normal" Christmas in the future, I have to be realistic about our expectations for Max in these kinds of situations. Holidays are social situations and to someone like Max, it is just one stressful thing after another. It's hard finding a balance of teaching him how to act in these situations, and keeping him from getting upset. It adds this very heavy extra layer of stress to the holidays.
I hate to say it, because I used to love this time of year, but now I feel like it's just one obligation after another. Having to be here and there, buying and making gifts, preparing food, decorating, etc. I know we don't have to do a lot of it, but for reason we do... Even though Max doesn't necessarily give a crap, he might some day. I don't him to look back and think we didn't care enough to put the effort into creating these Christmas traditions for him. I just feel like I'm being a bit of a Scrooge this year. I'm tired, and very worried about our big ultrasound coming up in a couple of weeks. I miss my girl. I wish my boy would be able to find joy in the magic of Christmas. I'm glad that it's only two more days, and then it's over for another year... And most importantly, hopefully there is only another week or so of blaring Christmas music everywhere I go. Yes I hate Christmas music- I always have, especially Little Drummer Boy....
The one thing I am looking forward to tomorrow- our annual viewing of Christmas Vacation... "THE SHITTER WAS FULL!"