The Babies

The last 15 weeks have been completely nerve wracking. Even though I left each doctor's appointment with good news and evidence of healthy, growing babies, I was not convinced. At all. I keep bigger and feeling worse. These little people are wiggling around and kicking a lot these days, but I just couldn't shake the strong sense of hesitancy and fear... During my pregnancies with Max and Ellie, I was well-aware that things could go wrong. But even after losing Ellie's twin, I still never believed that anything bad would happen. After all, bad, horrible, catastrophic things only happen to other people. But now, I know better. I know that bad things happen all the time, and just because you've had your heart shattered once, doesn't mean it won't happen again, and again...
Until this weekend, we had almost nothing in way of preparing for the babies. We hadn't really discussed names, thought about the nursery or sorted through any baby items. We (meaning me) had bought nothing for the babies at all. Not even a little onesie or blanket. In my mind, I kept thinking, yes I would want something to remember them by, but I didn't want to have a whole room full of stuff to deal with if/ when they didn't make it. I had spent more time thinking about how we would handle it- logistically- if they didn't make it. Its sick, but I spent more time thinking about a headstone for two small babies than I have a nursery... I guess I didn't realize how broken I was...

On Friday morning, we dropped Max off at school and headed to the High Risk Clinic for our Level 2 ultrasound. Like every other appointment, I was so nervous that I was sick to my stomach. Nothing calms a horrible case of "I'm pretty sure there is going to be something wrong with my babies" nerves, like filling out forms that require to list what's wrong with your current children- autism and dead. Then we had to go over it blow-by-blow with the nurse who didn't really seem to know what was going on... By the time I had to lay down for the actual ultrasound, I was so freaked out. Could they drag this out any longer?!
Long story short- we have two healthy babies!

One...

And one...

Its a boy!! And a girl!!!

We met with the perinatalogist after the ultrasound and she said that everything looked great. Our little guy wasn't super cooperative and wouldn't flip over so we could see his whole face. For that reason, we will get one more Level 2 ultrasound at the high risk clinic before being transferred back to my regular check-up.
On Friday, I was 19 wks, 1 day and the babies were both measuring at 19 wks, 5 days which is good. One weighed 10 oz and the other 11 oz.
A huge weight has definitely been lifted off my chest since the ultrasound. I have proof that both babies have heads and no tails (my friend Jodi and my mom know that these were actually over paranoid thoughts that I had). There were two healthy babies with all the correct pieces and parts. Two healthy placentas, two healthy cords and plenty of amniotic fluid... We were told that there is no way to assess splenic function while in-utero, so we will have to wait until the babies are born to make sure their spleens are functional...
So we got good news. But I am very well aware that things can go wrong at any moment. That is a hard lesson I learned after Ellie died and it hangs over my head all day, every day. But I told myself, that if we got good news at the ultrasound, then I'd jump into BabyLand. I owe it to these two little babes to assume they will be born screaming and healthy. For that reason, I gave the A-OK for others to start buying things for the babies. We even bought a couple of outfits and I picked out their baby books. I guess it's start to getting ready for babies!

Our Little Guy: He is facing towards the left and looking away. You can't see his face but his hand is up by his cheek and his pointer finger is pointed at his ear.

Our Little Girl: She is looking to the left and also hiding her face. Her right arm is raised up with her hand resting on her head. The fingers from her left hand are poking out from under her chin.