Last Trip to the Park

My desire for this next week to be over is immeasurable. I can feel myself starting to crack. Anytime I get in the car (which is a good chunk of every morning), I start to cry. Nothing really triggers me- except this morning it was definitely "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam, a song we played at Ellie's funeral- I just start crying. I hate the empty spot in the back seat, I don't hardly even look back there now. The other day I decided it was best to hide in the car during Max's therapy instead of sitting in the waiting room with the other moms. I am, once again, finding myself HATING those moms at Target pushing around their toddler daughters in their carts wearing their cute bows and little skirts. I'm so tired- just exhausted.
I read the other day that sometimes the second year without your child is the worst. You spend so much of your time the first year in denial and shock that the second year seems much harder. I don't know if it can be- I mean, I'm not expecting the calender to turn to November and all of sudden all of the weight on my heart will disappear. But I don't see how anything that be as bad as those early days. I do expect there to be a lot of pain during the holidays this year, last year we were still definitely in survival mode. This year will be different, I am dreading it already.
What I wouldn't give to go back a year and live in that world, with that perspective. With my little girl...

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Remembering October 19th, 2010

It was a chilly fall day but I decided to take the kids to the park anyways. I can remember telling the kids (like they cared...) that this would probably be the last time we went to the park this year- if I had only known how true that was going to be... I remember that there was hardly anyone else there, and that Max played while I fed Ellie an orange Mish-Mash. I remember thinking how nice it was that she was eating it out of the pouch and there was no mess. She was SO proud of herself...

These aren't the greatest photos of the kids by any means, but they are what we have now...

 Max loves looking at this picture for some reason... I remember thinking how nice it was to be able to take both of them to the park and have them play happily. Seriously- it doesn't get much better than being able to push both of your kids in the swings side-by-side.

 Under the nuk smile and the Ellie excited dance.

 Ellie loved to sit at the bottom of the slide and play like a big girl.