It has been a while since
I've spent any time in this space... Life has been busy and not afforded me
much time to spend here. And in all honesty, this space has been consciously
avoided at times. But we are nearing that time of year again when the air is
crisp and fills my chest with dread. My mind starts to drift places that I
typically don't allow it to stray. And there is something that has been on my
mind since Monday, July 22nd...
When Ellie died, my life
changed forever. In fact, the second Ellie entered the PICU in critical
condition, my perspective on everything instantly changed. It quickly became
obvious that those who had not stood where we had did not understand. Most
tried, but never really understood. I found great comfort in those who were on
my side- The Other Side.
The Other Side... On this
side, a nurse has looked at you with incredibly sad, knowing eyes. A doctor has
sighed before walking up to you to say the words that you will remember
forever. On this side, you have had sleepless nights at the hospital and spent
hours in prayer, begging for a miracle. You may have had a conversation with a
serious man in a tie that ended up with you picking out a casket or burial spot
for your loved one. On this side, you have walked back through your door wondering
what the hell has just happened to your life.
It is hard on The Other
Side- impossible at times. Suffocating, lonely, desperate and out of control.
It is sad, full of regret and guilt. To me, I could almost see a physical wall
between me and those who were not on The Other Side. Being on The Other Side is
all consuming and it is blinding. It isn’t that you stop caring about those you
once stood with, but you just can’t see past where you are at now.
The wall never completely
goes away, but I think, over time, it becomes more transparent. You get
glimpses of what is going on over there and sometimes remember what it was like
before the wall. You remember that there are loved ones still over and maybe,
you understand that it hasn’t been easy for them either. It is hard on them
having you on The Other Side…
On the evening of Monday,
July 22nd, 2013, Dave and I were powering through another dinner
with the kids. Life here was our normal. Kids throwing food on the floor,
demanding more fruit and Dave and I were looking forward to bedtime! We had no
idea that we were about to cross over to The Other Side of The Other Side.
Right at the end of dinner,
Dave’s phone rang. It was the call no one ever wants…
Our brother-in-law,
Travis, and one year old nephew, Layton had been in a bad car accident. All we
knew was that they were on their way to the trauma hospital and Dave’s sister,
Chrissy, was on their way to meet them. We made plans for my mom to come sit
with your kids after they were in bed so we could go down there. Over the next
hour, we got confusing bits of information from various people but it became
obvious that the accident was much worse than we assumed…
Travis and Layton had been
on their way home, when a man fleeing the police, driving down the wrong side
of the road, ran a red light and broadsided them. Both were air-lifted to the
hospital and emergency personal at the scene were certain that Travis would not
make it to the hospital. Layton had a small brain bleed in one ventricle and a
bruise on his temple. Travis had a larger brain bleed, a collapsed lung, broken
ride, large facial laceration and internal bleeding. Both were intubated and
sedated in the Trauma ICU when we arrived.
From the beginning, the
doctors were pretty sure Layton would be just fine. And he was. Within a week
and a half, he was out of the hospital and mostly back to himself. I have no
doubt that during that car accident, his cousin Ellie, laid down right over the
top of him. It is a miracle that this beautiful, beautiful boy survived with
such few injuries.
At the time of the
accident, Chrissy was seven months pregnant. And there were times during those
first couple days, when we weren’t sure if that baby would ever get to meet his
Daddy or at least the Daddy that the rest of us knew. Conversations were had
about survival, catastrophic brain damage, long term care…. It was devastating.
It was shocking, heart-breaking and mind numbing. In an instant, the rug was
pulled out from all of us. In a split second, everything changed.
As I stood alone in my
nephew’s room, next to his crib, holding his hand, I listened to the nurse in
the next room explain Travis’ injuries to his wife, parents, grandparents and
sisters. I thought about my sister in law Chrissy, and I was sick for her. I
knew how I felt as the sister in law to Travis and aunt to Layton. I couldn’t
imagine how horrible this was for her. To be seven months pregnant and have
your one year old intubated in the ICU and your husband- your support and other
half- in the room next door with life threatening injuries, is way more stress
than one person should ever have. It was tragic and unfair…
It was there in that quiet
room, standing next to my unconscious nephew, that it hit me- this is what it
feels like to be on The Other Side of The Other Side. This beautiful, innocent
family that we love so much was suffering and hurting, and we were powerless to
help them. There wasn’t one thing we could do to make it better. I didn’t have
words to make it not hurt so much and I couldn’t do anything to make it go away.
We couldn’t make the doctors stop telling her about all the bad things that
happened to her family and we couldn’t erase the vision of her son and husband lying
in hospital beds from her memory. And when everything was “calm” for the night,
we got to go home to our kids, together, who were safe and sound in their beds,
and leave Chrissy keeping vigil at her boys’ side.
We were sad, angry,
anxiety-ridden and shocked. We hurt for Travis, for sweet little Layton and for
Chrissy. We wanted it all to go away. We were sad for not being able to be at
the hospital with our family every moment… In these moments, I began to
understand how our friends and family felt when Ellie was sick, and after she
passed, and when Levi was shortly hospitalized for “meningitis.” They not only
hurt for themselves, but for our children and for us. They wanted to make it
better, make it go away, yet they were powerless. They were left to hand out
hugs and bring bottles of wine, all the while knowing it wasn’t enough. They
were grieving for themselves, and for us. They too, had sadness, anger and
pain. It wasn’t the same as mine, but just as real.
As I’ve said before, I
have very little recollection of many aspects of being in the hospital with
Ellie, and the few days after she died. And for that, I am extremely grateful.
I most certainly have aspects of PTSD, and can’t imagine how it would be if I
had to carry around memories of everything that happened. One thing I don’t remember
is how our friends and families were notified when it came time to say
good-bye. And I don’t want to know. It might be selfish, but I don’t want to know
how it all went down. I don’t want to know how they felt at her funeral, how
they felt carrying her small casket or standing at her graveside. I don’t want
to know, and I am so grateful that no one has forced that on me. I’m not sure I
could handle it. I feel like I can hardly handle my own grief- I think it would
kill me to know how hurt our loved ones were and still are.
But being on The Other
Side of The Other Side has reminded me just how much our families and friends
went through when Ellie died and again when Levi got “sick.” It reminded me
that they too were traumatized and forever changed. They dealt with all of that
while standing by us while we drowned in our grief. And for that, I am forever
grateful. I’m thankful they had the strength to endure it and eternally sorry
that they had too. Because if I learned one thing this summer, it was that even
though being on The Other Side is nearly impossible, it’s not easy on The Other
Side of The Other Side either.
*****
Travis walked out of the
hospital just over three weeks after the accident and graduated from outpatient
therapy after just two weeks with minimal residual injury from the accident. He
isn’t completely 100% yet, but he will get there. Less than two weeks ago, he
was there by her side, when Chrissy gave birth to our new perfect and
completely adorable nephew, Nash. Without a doubt, we witnessed a miracle this
summer….
The second lesson I
learned this summer- sometimes there are happy endings…
