Saturday, October 29, 2011

Ellie's Celebration

Planning a funeral was always sort of a mysterious thing to me... How did something so large come to fruition so quickly? How do you make decisions like that for a loved one when you are so devastated? I never in a million years thought that I would plan a funeral for one of my children- a baby at that. Thankfully, we had a group of people that just kind of did everything for us. We said what we wanted- well mostly what we didn't want- and everything just sort of happened.
As I've said before, we didn't have a regular church to have Ellie's funeral at, my aunt stepped in a took care of that by enlisting her's and my grandparent's church. The Pastor- the amazing Pastor Paul- and the "Caring Ministry" were unbelievable. They took care of everything, and were so kind and caring about it all. We told the Pastor many times that we didn't want the funeral to be completely depressing- that wasn't Ellie. We wanted pink and purple- not old lady funeral flower arrangements or old church hymns. Pastor Paul did pause for a second when we said we wanted a Pearl Jam song played at the end, but once he listened to it- he agreed.
I can't say Ellie's funeral was perfect. The words Ellie and funeral and perfect don't belong together. But it was the best we could do for her. We wanted all of the people who never got a chance to meet Ellie, to know just how amazing she was. We asked people to wear bright colors, especially pink and purple, we made poster boards of her pictures, we had people write notes on pink and purples hearts to send up on balloons, we handed out her picture with bows, jingle bells (Elle Bells) and Baby Beluga lyrics on them. An entire congregation sang her Baby Beluga one last time. My cousin sang a song, another cousin read her a poem. I had a chance to tell everyone how perfect, funny and loving our girl was. My friend made a beautiful video to show exactly what I was talking about.
So many people came that day to celebrate a life just nine months long; people we hadn't seen or talked to in years, family members from across the country, the OB that delivered Ellie, her pediatrician and his nurse, my old co-workers still scrubs, my dad's co-workers in uniform. Ellie had a her own little honor guard, and a police escort to the cemetery. Ellie's two uncles and our two guy friends carried her small casket and laid her to rest for the final time. Our closest friends and family gathered around her casket while Pastor Paul said his final words, and while we placed white roses on her casket. We all sent Ellie balloons with little heart messages to let her know how loved and missed she was.
It wasn't at all how I planned to spend October 29th, 2010. But I think we did the best we could for her. And I think she was there with us that day- she knew how much we loved her. She knew we wanted her back more than anything... She knew it shouldn't be this way, and she knew that she needed to show us she was with us. And that she was ok...

Ellie's beautiful picture and her little tutu
Having to show 3 and 4 year olds what Ellie's casket is something that we should have never had to do.
Trying to keep Max entertained...
Quick story: The man in the picture is the chiropractor we took both kids to for their reflux. When we got to the church for Ellie's funeral, I noticed Dr. D was there. He said that the church had called a couple of days before to see if he could usher at funeral at their church on Friday. He said no, because they had planned on going to Ellie's funeral... The church later called him back to say the funeral was Ellie's... So Dr. D ended up being an usher at Ellie's funeral and passing out her pictures. It's funny how this world works sometimes...
Me giving Ellie's eulogy
The last clip from Ellie's video was an actual video of Ellie- taken a week before she died. In this clip she is waving...

Just some of Ellie's procession...

Nearly impossible to see, I know- but its an eagle (that has started to move away) that was hovering above the burial
Placing white roses on Ellie's casket

Ellie's Balloon Release: Only three balloons got stuck in the trees- read this post to see why it was so amazing that those specific balloons got stuck.

Friday, October 28, 2011

Saying Good-bye

Tonight, we carved pumpkins- well Dave and I carved pumpkins, and Max painted his pumpkin. We put Ellie's name on a pumpkin for home, and a heart with angel wings on a pumpkin for the cemetery. Two pumpkins for a little girl who missed celebrating her first Halloween by just six days. Six days... After pumpkins were cleaned up, I finished painting tiny boxes for the bereavement program- Lock of Hair boxes for families like us. Why is this our life? Why can't we have two toddlers freaked out by pumpkin goo? Why are we making pumpkins for a cemetery? Why am I painting boxes for the hospital? Why is Ellie gone?

I wish I could say that I wish we had our life back from a year ago... but now it's been over a year since Ellie was taken away. A whole year without the little cuddly, chubby girl that made us laugh with her silly antics and growls. One year ago tonight, we saw our Ellie at the funeral home. The last time we saw Ellie's body. We weren't going to see Ellie's body again, but the funeral home director convinced us that it might be helpful... Was it? I'm not sure...
When we arrived at the funeral home, Dave and I went in first. With vomit in my throat, we walked up to her tiny, white casket at the back of the room. I remember bursting into tears when I saw how awful she looked. For some reason, I had hoped we would get one more glimpse of the face we recognized. It wasn't possible. The director had tried- he called my Dad several times to say he was trying; he'd never been this affected by a person before... She looked horrible. Fake. Honestly, I don't remember exactly what she looked like. I pray I never do. I just remember crying at how bad it was.
The funeral director helped us put a pink bow in her hair, and her first jewelry- a pearl necklace and bracelet on her. The bracelet didn't fit her swollen wrist and we had to drape it through her fingers, along with her nuk. We talked to her, rubbed her fuzzy hair over and over again. The funeral director had tried to convince us to bring a hat for her, as he couldn't cover the coloring on her scalp, but I wanted to be able to see and feel her hair. I can still remember, and always will, remember closing my eyes, and rubbing my face through her hair.
We placed all of the items we had brought into her casket... pictures, letters, Georgie (we bought Max a replacement- he never knew...), a couple books, and a musical puppy that Max picked out. I painted her fingernails a bright pink- I did a horrible job... our siblings, parents, and my grandparents came into the room. Everyone took turns saying their last good bye to Ellie. Max was there, but he never asked to see what was in the casket, so we never lifted him up. I don't think that we even told him why we were there...
We had our family step back out and took some more time with our girl. I wanted to hold her so bad, but there was no way, she was too big, her skin too fragile, fluids were still leaking out... I sang her Baby Beluga, and read her a story- "God Gave Us You"... I must have kissed her a million times and rubbed her head even more. We told her "I love you" over and over again... As we were standing over Ellie, for the last time, looking down at her, all of a sudden, from her left eye, came a single tear. It slid right down her temple, under her ear, and into her hair... I know why it happened- I know what was happening with her body at the time... But I don't know what to think of it happening right then- right as we were kissing her for the last time...
We asked the funeral director to carefully place everything into the casket with her before closing it. We asked him not to move the blankie from her cheek- she liked to have it there, or her nuk from her hand. We asked him to pull the string on her musical puppy and put it beside her as he closed the lid. It killed me to think of her being in there... At least the music wouldn't make it so scary...
I don't know that it helped to see her again. I guess maybe it did. It was nice to know that someone had tried, very hard, to make her look at best they could. They were respectful with her, she was carefully washed, and respectfully put into her fleece pink footie pjs, and placed her onto my baby blanket. We know it was hard for the people at the funeral home, they told us, it was comforting to know that someone lovingly did the things for her that we weren't able to. The funeral home director had even called me to let me know when they picked Ellie up from the hospital- just so I knew where she was. He understood a mother needs to know where her baby is- always, and no matter what...

They say when you decide to have a child, you are choosing to let a piece of your heart walk around outside your body. It's true. Without a doubt, it's true. But what happens when that piece of your heart isn't walking around? What happens when you have to put that piece of your heart into a tiny white casket and bury it? I guess that piece of your heart stays there forever... You certainly don't get it back... not that I'd want it back anyways- that piece will always be her's.