Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Last Trip to the Park

My desire for this next week to be over is immeasurable. I can feel myself starting to crack. Anytime I get in the car (which is a good chunk of every morning), I start to cry. Nothing really triggers me- except this morning it was definitely "Just Breathe" by Pearl Jam, a song we played at Ellie's funeral- I just start crying. I hate the empty spot in the back seat, I don't hardly even look back there now. The other day I decided it was best to hide in the car during Max's therapy instead of sitting in the waiting room with the other moms. I am, once again, finding myself HATING those moms at Target pushing around their toddler daughters in their carts wearing their cute bows and little skirts. I'm so tired- just exhausted.
I read the other day that sometimes the second year without your child is the worst. You spend so much of your time the first year in denial and shock that the second year seems much harder. I don't know if it can be- I mean, I'm not expecting the calender to turn to November and all of sudden all of the weight on my heart will disappear. But I don't see how anything that be as bad as those early days. I do expect there to be a lot of pain during the holidays this year, last year we were still definitely in survival mode. This year will be different, I am dreading it already.
What I wouldn't give to go back a year and live in that world, with that perspective. With my little girl...

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Remembering October 19th, 2010
It was a chilly fall day but I decided to take the kids to the park anyways. I can remember telling the kids (like they cared...) that this would probably be the last time we went to the park this year- if I had only known how true that was going to be... I remember that there was hardly anyone else there, and that Max played while I fed Ellie an orange Mish-Mash. I remember thinking how nice it was that she was eating it out of the pouch and there was no mess. She was SO proud of herself...
These aren't the greatest photos of the kids by any means, but they are what we have now...

 Max loves looking at this picture for some reason... I remember thinking how nice it was to be able to take both of them to the park and have them play happily. Seriously- it doesn't get much better than being able to push both of your kids in the swings side-by-side.
 Under the nuk smile and the Ellie excited dance.

 Ellie loved to sit at the bottom of the slide and play like a big girl.

12 comments:

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

Each day must seem like an eternity... each memory must be filled with so much pain now. My heart always goes out to you & Ellie... I wish there was something I could do for you to ease this pain. Please know that my heart and thoughts are with you xoxo

Caroline said...

Thinking of you so much. Holding you close to my heart.

Mary said...

Thinking of you Tiffany! Sending you lots of love and strength as the day draws closer.

Melissa said...

Found your blog a few months back and cannot stop reading. I don't know you personally, but I think of you and your family every day. Just wanted you to know that even strangers are pulling and praying for you and your beautiful baby girl.

Kelly said...

Always thinking of you sweets. Chills again. Love you!

Harlowe said...

Aw, the happy dance. Thinking of you this week.

Ashley said...

Praying for you always, but especially hard this week and the days leading up to the dreaded anniversary. (((HUGS)))

Ashley said...

Love you pictures. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this, I wish I could take away your pain :( I ahve heard the same thing about the second year being harder because it really becomes reality and I have to say that in some cases, so far, it is harder. I am really realizing now more than ever that my son isn't coming back and yet it is ALL I talk about, the what if he was here, what would he be doing...I shouldn't play games like that in my head, it makes it hurt more because he isn't here and isn't going to come back.

ccc said...

This past weekend was the anniversary of the last time I went to the park with David in my belly. I remember it vividly because we were not going to go and then the whole family decided to come and we did a nature walk through the nature trail. I ended up getting poison ivy a few days later from one of the kid's clothes and it got really bad over the week and it spread everywhere even on my belly and I always wondered if that had something to do with his death and I cannot look at that park when we drive by it and I have not stepped foot in it since. Sorry about the rambling.
Thinking of you every day during this time.

Sarita Boyette said...

Many hugs and love sent to all of you as you navigate this very tough week. xoxo

Boo's Mom said...

Hugs and prayers to you and your family. I know from reading your blog that you listen to the words in song lyrics and relate them to your sweet girl. I bought the new Lady Antebellum CD yesterday, listened to the first song and one verse gave me chills and made me think of Ellie! The rest of the song doesnt really apply but this verse does. I hope you love it!
Lady Antebellum - We Owned the Night
She was the purest beauty
But not the common kind
She had a way about her
That made you feel alive
And for a moment
You made the world stand still

Althought she was here just for a "moment" she has made many people in the world kinder, more aware and more loving. I know that she's had that impact on me, through you and this blog.

Hugs today!

Desiree said...

You are in my thoughts and prayers every day. Sending up some extra prayers this week.

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