Wednesday, October 5, 2011

Nineteen Days

Nineteen Days.

I feel like the next 19 days are going to be some of the longest days of my life. The memories of how life was at this time last year are unavoidable. There is something to powerful about the weather, and the crisp fall air just whisks me back to last year. The smell of fall in the air brings me back to sitting on the patio with the kids in their hats and jackets, playing before bath time. We were just starting to break out the fuzzy footie pajamas that I love so much. Generally speaking, during the last year since Ellie died, memories of 2010 gave me comfort. Now, they seem to squeeze the air right out of me.
I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of tears, just the changing colors of certain trees send the tears to the surface. The local radio stations seem to be conspiring against me and they play certain songs every time I get into the car. Songs that I haven't really listened to or heard since last fall, have suddenly made a resurgence and they get to me. Lately, I've just been driving around in silence- it somehow seems better.
I just want the next 19 days to be over with quickly... I would love to just go over to the calender and put an X through every day of October, turn the page to November. This isn't like the early days when I had that secret hope that this was just the worst kind of nightmare ever. I know. I know my little girl isn't ever coming back, and that I have to spend every day without her here. So, I just want to skip this part.
The fear of all of those things I haven't let myself think about in the last year, is seriously paralyzing. Today an ambulance passed up on the way to therapy, and it was just like a time-warp, I was back in that ambulance with my pale little girl with big scared eyes. Words that I heard that paramedic saying about MY daughter and the awful numbers that appeared on the heart monitored were all of a sudden flashing through my head. These things stay with me the entire day and are like a weight dragging me down. They make me not want to leave the house or even get out of bed. I have a constant tightness in my chest and lump in my throat. Like the early days, I have a hard time concentrating, have no appetite and seem to have no real purpose. I assure you any bit of "togetherness," stability or "ok-ness" I display is fake.
It's all so much. The sadness of missing my girl and anger for what our life should be. The anxiety of wondering just how hard these next few weeks are going to be. The fear that all of those horrible memories of the day she got sick, our time in the hospital and funeral home, the funeral and burial, will just all come tumbling back. Having to relive some of those things may just kill me. I am so sad for so many of my dear friends that I know are feeling the exact same things right now. For some sick reason, so many of us seem to have lost our beautiful babies in October- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Really?! I pray that we can all just get through it and that our babies will help, because right now, it seems pretty impossible.

Remembering October 5th, 2010
If I remember correctly the Twins were actually doing pretty good last year and made it to the play-offs. In honor of this, I dressed the kids in their Twin's outfits. Then I realized that the game was the next day so I stripped them down and took a few pictures of them before going upstairs to get different outfits...

Ellie trying to get her hands on Max
Still trying to get her hands on him...
Cute! When Ellie was playing with something and she decided she was done with it, she would just put it over her shoulder and drop it.
 After Dave came home from work, we took the kids up to the fire house for their open house. It was pretty much a disaster. Pushing it too close to bedtime for Elle, and too many people in an unfamiliar place for Max.


crystal said...

Been thinking about you a lot lately!!! Sending up lots of prayers for you, Dave and Max!!!

Renel said...

oh man! the next 19 days seem like they will be beyond rough. I am sending you love and light.

Sarita Boyette said...

Holding you close in thought & prayer. I well remember that first year, the absolute horror of reliving everything. I understand you wishing you could just skip to November.

Kelly said...

I feel the same way when I hear an ambulance. I didn't ride with Adam, but the loud sirens coming to MY house for MY baby in the middle of the night...I can't stand the noise. I'm thinking about you so much.

Harlowe said...


Every thing you write brings tears to my eyes. Just seeing pictures of Ellie with you guys and knowing that she won't come back, and there won't be any more pictures, my heart breaks for you guys. You'll be in my thoughts.

Aunt Kerri said...

Tiffany, your raw emotion is inspiring. I know that sounds strange, but I admire your strength and your courage to say, "this sucks". Because it does suck. Keep feeling; keep living your life out loud. You are an amazing woman and I kinda like you. Just the way you are.

Deanna said...

I wish there were some way to take all of the pain away. I would if I could. Know that this grief is going to subside, just like it did before. We will be sending you lots of love and prayers that the next few weeks are gentle on you as you remember Ellie <3

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