Thursday, June 30, 2011

Some People.

Why are some people allowed to reproduce??


How is it that those of us that can provide for a child and put a child first don't necessarily "just get knocked up?" Huh? Why do some of us have to go through procedures and treatments just for a chance at pregnancy? And then how come we don't necessarily even get to keep that child? That very much loved, adored and cared for child?
But there are people out there who put their hobbies, and "dreams" before their child(ren) yet they just get another one. Where do they even get off thinking they should bring another life into this world. I'm sorry but unless you can 100% provide everything for your child, yourself, then keep your effing legs shut, and pop those birth control pills like they are tic-tacs. Seriously. Just because you want another kid, because that was your dream, doesn't mean you should have them. Kids aren't dogs. They can't be returned to the pound if you later decide they are too much work.

Life isn't fair. I know that. You don't need to tell me. But this is one thing that I can't seem to make right in my mind. I can't make peace with this idea. I can't ignore it and it makes my blood boil. I love my baby. I would have taken her place in a second that day if I could have. I put my body through hell to get her, and I only got nine months. I made every right decision that I could for her. In the end, it didn't matter.
But some people, they have other priorities, they're all "talk" and they just get these kids. And they don't even appreciate them like they should. But they get them, and they get to keep them.

I don't get it.

Remembering June 30th, 2010
My kids like to eat.

Ellie had been eating cereal for a couple of weeks and she was ready for more! We started with some homemade organic sweet potatoes. She got a funny look on her face at first, but she liked them. And she wanted more, and more! My girl liked to eat! Just as long as it wasn't green, she would eat it- she would start gagging as soon as she saw anything green! Silly girl!

Raspberry picking with Max in the backyard. There's nothing better than food straight from the garden!
"Hi, I'm Max. And I'm addicted to berries."
 MMMMMM! Good Raspberries!
 I miss our garden this year. We didn't plant one since we will be moving half way through the summer- I wasn't about to take care of a garden just so the new people could eat all the good fresh food! Hopefully we will have some raspberries before we move though!

Hungry Baby ready for her bedtime bottle!

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

New Neighborhood

Tonight we went over to "new house" to check out the stain job on the porch and take Max for a walk around the neighborhood. Max rode his bike (kinda, he's learning how to pedal, luckily the trike has a handle!) and we went up to the park. While we were there another family arrived and we found out they have a little boy that is just about a week older than Max. They also have a three week old.
On our way back to the house, we met another lady, who we've emailed a couple of times. Her and her husband had a stillborn in February. Their baby's name was Ella. I hate that someone else lost their baby, but it is so nice that someone in the new neighborhood will understand. Moving out of my safety zone and into a whole new world of people is scary to me. It's even more scary and stressful when I think about how I will handle telling people about Ellie. I'm refuse to deny her, but I don't want to make people uncomfortable. Ugh...

I've had this conversation playing over and over in my head since we decided to move-
Me: Hi, I'm the new neighbor. I've got an autistic toddler and dead baby. Would you like to come in for a drink??
New Neighbor: [look of complete shock, jaw hanging open, slowly backing away from door until getting to drive way, than taking off in full sprint]
Me: Yeah... I didn't think so....

I'm sure I'm being a little dramatic- everyone we have met has seemed really, really nice. I'm sure they won't sprint away from us, maybe just a slow jog... I still haven't really figured out whole to handle the whole "dead child and special needs child" conversations yet. Breaking Max in at the new house and neighborhood will be quite the task. It's hard to meet new people and stop to talk when Max has his mind set on one thing and we interrupt his plans. It's hard when people want to get together to have our kids play, when my kid, won't. Max doesn't want to play with other kids, and he certainly doesn't want to do it somewhere new. Not that I want another family to have to deal with autism, but it would be kind of nice if there was another family with an autistic toddler in the neighborhood.

I want to be excited about our new house and new neighborhood. In the end, I think it will be good for us, but right now, it just seems like a lot of stress and anxiety. Packing up Ellie's room, saying goodbye to our house and all it's memories, moving into a new place without Ellie, all the stress it will cause for Max, meeting new people and having to eventually explain our situation(s). I think it just needs to happen so I can quit worrying. Less than one month...

Remembering June 29th, 2010

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Her Picture

As I shuffled Max out of the locker room past the desk, after swim lessons this evening, something caught my eye in the back office. I grabbed Max and took several steps backwards. In the very small office of the swim school, in the corner, are several clear plastic Rubbermaid drawer sets stacked on top of each other. My eyes were immediately drawn to the far left stack, about midway up. There in the front of the drawer, was her picture, pressed right up against the front. My sweet smiley, Elle Belle. Peeking right out at us.

After she passed away last fall, my mom told her instructor that Ellie wouldn't be back for the rest of the session because she'd passed away. For a couple of weeks after Ellie passed away, my mom, mother-in-law and both sister-in-laws helped with swimming so I didn't have to go and see Ellie's class file in after Max's. Eventually I sucked it up and went with, just to watch at first, while my mom got in the pool with Max.
One evening, a girl from the desk came over and asked if I was Ellie's mom, handed me an envelope, said, "I'm so, so sorry" and walked away. In the envelope was a check for Ellie's Memorial Fund, and a session of free swim lessons for Max. Ellie's teacher came over to me later and explained that they thought it would be good for Max to continue with swimming and if I didn't feel like I could get into the pool with him and there weren't any relatives available, that I could call ahead and they would have an instructor get in with him. It was a very kind thing for them to do.
A few weeks later I sent them one of the thank you cards we had made. The cards were beautiful, they had four pictures of Ellie on them and the company altered them so they were appropriate for us. Even though it was almost 7 months ago, they still have their pictures of Ellie out. It was such an amazing surprise to see her little face there today.

On our way to swim lessons, I was thinking, "I should have two kids in the backseat. My mom should be in the front with me so that she can watch one kid while I swim with the other, and then we would switch like we did last fall. There should be two." I felt the tears starting to well up so I turned up the radio to distract myself and at that exact moment, Ellie's song, "The Rhythm of Love" started on the radio. I had to smile. Even though it's not at all what I want, she was there... After spying her cute little face in the swim office on our way out, there is no doubt in my mind, that she is trying to tell me that she isn't as far away as she feels.

Thank you Belle... After these past weeks, I needed that. I love you!!

Remembering June 28th, 2010

A little playroom action...

Ellie always wanted to get her hands on Max and as soon as she would get her chance, she'd take it!

I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this picture of Ellie. I just love the expression on her face- it's so Elle.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

"No farewell words were spoken, 
no time to say goodbye, 
you were gone before
we knew it,
and, only God
knows why."

Remembering June 26th, 2010

A day at the zoo...

 A very tired little girl

Max took a header near the goats and was left with a little road rash on his forehead

Ellie looking at the fishies

Saturday, June 25, 2011

8 long months

Today was much harder than I anticipated. It took me a little by surprise actually. It was a "go cry in the stairwell so you don't totally ruin a 5 year old's birthday party" sort of day. A "don't look at me or talk to me or let your one year old little girl make a noise because it will make me cry and I just finally was able to stop so please don't make me start again..." sort of day.... I was out of the house, my safety zone, for all of 2.5 hours today and I am exhausted. I am beyond exhausted. Blurry vision, dehydrated, a little shaky and a mounting headache... I call it the "grief hangover." I would much more enjoy an actual hangover...

I can't believe it's been 8 months without our girl.

I just want her back.

Remembering June 25th, 2010

Friday, June 24, 2011

The passing of time

It's been 8 months since the worst day of my life. How did this happen? How are we already this far away from her? I miss her so much. Lately, I look at her pictures and I just want to hold her so bad. I want to touch her soft skin and kiss her chubby feet. The other night I was watching videos of her on my mom's phone and when I heard her voice, it was like getting electrocuted. I didn't realize until that second, that I have started to forget what her sweet little voice sounds like.

The passing of time is something I don't think I will ever understand. How can something seem like forever go and at the same time, like it happened yesterday?

Eight months ago today, we were battling for Ellie's life. To be honest, I have no idea where we were or what we were doing at this point during the day. After we left in the ambulance, I have no idea how time played out for the rest of the day, until I looked at the clock at 11:55pm, which is when I think Ellie left us for Heaven. That day plays in my mind on fast forward and slow motion all at once. Large segments of it are just skipped over.
That day was 24 hours. Just like the rest of them. But in my mind, it was the shortest and longest day ever...

The clock doesn't really care about what else is going on. It didn't care that we needed more time with our girl. It kept ticking. The pages of the calender just keep turning. It doesn't care that sometimes, we just don't want to greet another month without Ellie... Time just keeps on passing...

Five years ago today, I was sitting in the waiting room of the same hospital where Ellie was brought via ambulance. Our family drifted in and out of the waiting room all stinkin' day. Just waiting. Time that day, went soooo slow. Much slower than it would be four years and 8 months later. But that day, we were there for a much different reason. A happy reason. A very happy reason.

Our nephew.

I can't believe it's been five years since we sat in that waiting room... It doesn't seem like that long ago, but on the hand, it seems like forever ago. For Dave and I, it was a different lifetime. We were just married for a week, living in our apartment, no kids.
Four years, eight months and 12 minutes after Evan arrived, Ellie left us. Five years ago, sitting in that waiting room, I never thought that on Evan's 5th birthday, my mind would be focused on anything but ice cream and cake. I never thought one of his cousins would be celebrating his birthday from Heaven.

Five years ago, we sat waiting for life.
Eight months ago, we sat praying for her life.
Tonight, I sit here, writing about things that I should know nothing about. And Dave sits out at the cemetery, with our little girl. I just don't get it....

Even though sometimes the minutes feel excruciatingly long, time seems to pass in the blink of an eye.

Pretty Girl~~ It's been too long without you. There aren't words to describe how it feels to be without you here in our arms. Still, every day, I wonder how we got here. I hope you know how much we miss you and how much we love you. We think about you everyday. All day long, we carry you with us, tucked safely inside our hearts. Please come visit me in my dreams soon, it's been too long. I love you so much!
Love you forever. Forever your Mama.

Five years ago already...
me: "MJ, how big was the epidural needle??"

One of the many games of Scrabble we played while waiting... "DOG"

Random sign in the hallway

Wednesday, June 22, 2011


 This is not how any Daddy should be spending a Father's Day...

The cemetery sent me an email to let me know that Ellie's headstone has arrived. They would like to put it in before the weekend...

I've known that this was coming for a long, long time. We ordered the headstone a while ago and it took many, many weeks longer to arrive than we were initially told. But when I opened the email, it kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Ellie deserves a nice marker at her spot. I know this. Right now, her spot is still covered with dirt. And it still has a temporary marker. A temporary marker. I know the headstone doesn't change anything, but somewhere in my mind, the temporary marker means that just maybe, this isn't going to be our life forever. But once the permanent marker is placed, that's it. Forever. Once it's been placed, there will be no denying that it's our baby that lies there beneath our feet.

After they install the headstone, they will seed around the rest of her spot so that the grass can fill in. This bothers me more than I ever thought it would too. Once the grass grows in, her spot will look just like the rest of them that have been there for years. The dark dirt that's there now, shows the world that it's fresh. It wasn't that long ago, that she was here. Of course, it's been almost exactly 8 months since Ellie left us. But to me, the headstone, means time is passing, and we are getting further, and further away. I HATE that.

I know it might seem ridiculous... I know Ellie is gone, and she isn't coming back. But her headstone changes things in my mind. I don't think I'm ready to see her pretty face on something so ugly.

Remembering June 22nd, 2010

 Fuzzy-headed Ellie bouncing while her cousin, Evan, plays nearby...