Friday, June 24, 2011

The passing of time

It's been 8 months since the worst day of my life. How did this happen? How are we already this far away from her? I miss her so much. Lately, I look at her pictures and I just want to hold her so bad. I want to touch her soft skin and kiss her chubby feet. The other night I was watching videos of her on my mom's phone and when I heard her voice, it was like getting electrocuted. I didn't realize until that second, that I have started to forget what her sweet little voice sounds like.

The passing of time is something I don't think I will ever understand. How can something seem like forever go and at the same time, like it happened yesterday?

Eight months ago today, we were battling for Ellie's life. To be honest, I have no idea where we were or what we were doing at this point during the day. After we left in the ambulance, I have no idea how time played out for the rest of the day, until I looked at the clock at 11:55pm, which is when I think Ellie left us for Heaven. That day plays in my mind on fast forward and slow motion all at once. Large segments of it are just skipped over.
That day was 24 hours. Just like the rest of them. But in my mind, it was the shortest and longest day ever...

The clock doesn't really care about what else is going on. It didn't care that we needed more time with our girl. It kept ticking. The pages of the calender just keep turning. It doesn't care that sometimes, we just don't want to greet another month without Ellie... Time just keeps on passing...

Five years ago today, I was sitting in the waiting room of the same hospital where Ellie was brought via ambulance. Our family drifted in and out of the waiting room all stinkin' day. Just waiting. Time that day, went soooo slow. Much slower than it would be four years and 8 months later. But that day, we were there for a much different reason. A happy reason. A very happy reason.

Our nephew.

I can't believe it's been five years since we sat in that waiting room... It doesn't seem like that long ago, but on the hand, it seems like forever ago. For Dave and I, it was a different lifetime. We were just married for a week, living in our apartment, no kids.
Four years, eight months and 12 minutes after Evan arrived, Ellie left us. Five years ago, sitting in that waiting room, I never thought that on Evan's 5th birthday, my mind would be focused on anything but ice cream and cake. I never thought one of his cousins would be celebrating his birthday from Heaven.

Five years ago, we sat waiting for life.
Eight months ago, we sat praying for her life.
Tonight, I sit here, writing about things that I should know nothing about. And Dave sits out at the cemetery, with our little girl. I just don't get it....

Even though sometimes the minutes feel excruciatingly long, time seems to pass in the blink of an eye.

Pretty Girl~~ It's been too long without you. There aren't words to describe how it feels to be without you here in our arms. Still, every day, I wonder how we got here. I hope you know how much we miss you and how much we love you. We think about you everyday. All day long, we carry you with us, tucked safely inside our hearts. Please come visit me in my dreams soon, it's been too long. I love you so much!
Love you forever. Forever your Mama.

Five years ago already...
me: "MJ, how big was the epidural needle??"

One of the many games of Scrabble we played while waiting... "DOG"

Random sign in the hallway


Harlowe said...

I've never posted here before, and I know you have no idea who I am. I just want to say, that as a stranger out in internet land, that I am so sorry you have to live your life without your Ellie. She is beautiful. It's not fair.

LauraJane said...

It's terrible how quickly time goes when you want to hold onto it, how it slips through your fingers... 8 months... It's crazy, isn't it? :(

BTW, yes, Canada Post is locked-out so there's no mail being delivered. I'll post a comment when it's up and going again, looking forward to the cookbook. :)

Natasha said...

"That day was 24 hours. Just like the rest of them. But in my mind, it was the shortest and longest day ever...

The clock doesn't really care about what else is going on. It didn't care that we needed more time with our girl. It kept ticking." much.

I feel like the day we lost Aiden dragged on and on forever but at the same time it wasn't long enough. It wasn't enough time with him. I would give anything to have a few more hours.........

Time doesn't stop- it just moves right past us not even caring that we're stuck, that we don't want to move forward. Moving forward means moving further away from them. It's just so wrong. So very unfair.

Love you girl- thinking of you and little Ellie always.....


ccc said...

Thinking of you during this 8 month mark.{{hugs}]

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