Permanent

 This is not how any Daddy should be spending a Father's Day...

The cemetery sent me an email to let me know that Ellie's headstone has arrived. They would like to put it in before the weekend...

I've known that this was coming for a long, long time. We ordered the headstone a while ago and it took many, many weeks longer to arrive than we were initially told. But when I opened the email, it kind of took the wind out of my sails.

Ellie deserves a nice marker at her spot. I know this. Right now, her spot is still covered with dirt. And it still has a temporary marker. A temporary marker. I know the headstone doesn't change anything, but somewhere in my mind, the temporary marker means that just maybe, this isn't going to be our life forever. But once the permanent marker is placed, that's it. Forever. Once it's been placed, there will be no denying that it's our baby that lies there beneath our feet.

After they install the headstone, they will seed around the rest of her spot so that the grass can fill in. This bothers me more than I ever thought it would too. Once the grass grows in, her spot will look just like the rest of them that have been there for years. The dark dirt that's there now, shows the world that it's fresh. It wasn't that long ago, that she was here. Of course, it's been almost exactly 8 months since Ellie left us. But to me, the headstone, means time is passing, and we are getting further, and further away. I HATE that.

I know it might seem ridiculous... I know Ellie is gone, and she isn't coming back. But her headstone changes things in my mind. I don't think I'm ready to see her pretty face on something so ugly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Remembering June 22nd, 2010

 Fuzzy-headed Ellie bouncing while her cousin, Evan, plays nearby...