Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A 17 month old. and something I need to get off my chest...

A 17 month old.
That's what we should have today.

If she were here, this day would have likely passed without much notice on my part. But without her here, the 15th of every month always stands out. Since her first birthday has passed, it stings a little less. It's just another reminder that while time keeps passing here for us, it does not for Ellie.

For the most part, I think we are doing pretty good. We do what needs to get done, and more. We do find real joy and happiness. But it doesn't mean, we are better. It sure as hell doesn't mean we are over it. Almost every single person in my world gets this. For the most part, we have an amazing support system. I am constantly amazed by how kind, generous and loving some people have been.
But since Ellie died, I find that those few idiots seem to affect me more than I would have let them before. I completely hate stupid people. I am genetically programmed to have little to no patience for these people. I try to control it, but sometimes people are so stupid and dumb that I can't help it. I still greatly dislike these people, but now, when people do stupid things, especially regarding me or my family, especially Ellie, I take it to heart. It really bothers me. Especially when it comes from a family member... or should I say a "family" member...

There is one particular person that has really started to irritate me. Now normally, I would try to just let it go. But I'm getting really sick hearing all the stupid things this individual says regarding how I am handling my daughter's death and how I use my time now. But today, I am really jacked up about her. I've really had enough. So I'm gonna let it out, here. Maybe I'll feel better. I don't really care if she reads this, but I know she won't. Because according to her, my blog (and life) is just "too depressing."

So here it goes...

Dear Relative who will remain unnamed even though I think most people will know who I am referring to because you can't keep your mouth shut and you are the only that acts like this,

Shut up. Seriously. No one wants to hear you talk. You are rude. And thoughtless. And obviously have some unresolved issues from your youth. Let's make a few things clear...

1. Losing your parents, even if you were a child when one passed away, is NOT the same as losing a child. Parents are supposed to die first. Babies die, yes. But they shouldn't. No one should EVER have to visit their child at a cemetery on their birthday.

2. You don't just "handle it." You don't just "deal with it." This is not easy. I won't ever "get over it." Losing a child causes a huge hole in your heart. Slowly it will heal. I do believe this. But it takes time. And there will always be a scar. Right now, I am still developing a scab. Every time you open your big mouth and let out another ignorant comment, you are slowing down my healing. QUIT PICKING MY SCAB BITCH!

3. My life isn't "soooo depressing." Lately my life has sucked. I will give you that. But we are dealing. We laugh, we smile. We love. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back. But being depressed would do nothing to honor our girl. She was a happy, joyful baby. We find happiness for her. Don't you for one second pretend that I walk around with a rain cloud over my head.

4. If you say you are going to be there/ here. Then be here! You've all but disappeared since the week we buried Ellie. It was a good show that you put on for everyone that first week though.

5. This is what makes me really mad... This actually makes me want to call you and let you have it. But since you prefer to be two-faced about things, I'll let it out here and just be nice the next time I see you...
My blog, and the blogs of all the other AMAZING mother's I have met through it, are not "pity parties." We do not spend time on our blogs, messaging each other so that we can continue to feel bad for ourselves. We support each other. This is obviously not something you understand so I see how you might be confused. We do have bad days, we do use this space to let it out. It helps us heal. These other women are incredible people. They are kind, caring and generous. They use their grief as fuel for all the energy they use to put into projects they do in memory of their children. The word pity makes me so fucking mad, I could scream!

You have no right whatsoever, to have an opinion on my grief. You don't get it. You should just be grateful it isn't you. Why don't you try imaging how you would handle it?? Why don't you look into your daughter's face and try to imagine how you would feel if your daughter was so sick, her eyes were blank? How would you feel after you've seen your baby with a tube in down her throat, in both groins, up her nose, in her arms? How would it feel to see her swollen, purple and oozing? How would it feel to pick out her casket? Her grave site? Her headstone?
How would you feel on her birthday? Easter? Christmas? The first day of school for the other kids her age? How would you feel about those pretty skirts and dresses in her closet that she won't ever wear? Would it be easy for you to leave the house and hear people talk about their kids? See kids her age? See other girls wearing the same clothes she did? Hear other mother's call out that same name that you no longer get to use?
Would you get up every day? Would you be depressed? I can guess how you'd be. Try to go to bed with those images in your head tonight. Then we'll talk....

Thanks to anyone who is still reading... I feel a little better now. A glass of wine a little later and I'll be good to go! Now for some pictures of my incredible cute little girl...

Remembering June 15th, 2010


Kelly said...

I love Ellie's little expressions! <3

UGGGGHHHHH, I am so sorry you have someone like this in your life. So far, only strangers have pissed me off. The only thing I have come across is friends that text me to see how I am, but then completely avoid the subject of Adam altogether in person. I don't get it. I love how this person tries to tell you how to grieve even though she's never been through it. Again, I say, UGGGGGHHHHHH. (((hugs)))

Jasmine said...

I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your sweet little Ellie. I read your posts regularly - I can't even imagine what you are going through. I am also sorry that some people aren't very sensitive and don't even try to understand where you are coming from :( They shouldn't judge you, especially if they have never been there!

LauraJane said...

I love the bottom two photos especially. Beautiful. :) I love the little curl of her tongue in the last one. :)

I don't even know what to say about this relative of yours. Stupid. What you said about wishing she would truly try to put herself in your shoes before she sits back and judges you. Sometimes I want to physically grab peoples faces and scream, "look at me. THIS could just as easily been you".


Deanna said...

My hat is off to you for posting this. I am sorry that someone is making you feel this way, but glad you can share it here. I haven't had anyone use the pity word with me yet, and if they did, I am sure they would get an earful! We did not intentionally lose our children so we could get sympathy from others. This person has no idea what REAL suffering is all about, waking up every day knowing our children are gone is indescribable. UGH!! I agree that anyone that judges what any of us mothers do for children no longer here, needs a reality check! We're here for you, Tiffany!!! Oh and I LOVE the photos. Such sweet kiddies you have.

Mary said...

Dear Relative,
I pray that you NEVER know the pain that Tiffany does. I pray that your child/children all stay healthy and safe as long as you live. Tiffany has had her heart ripped out of her chest, stomped on, cut into little bits, taped back together and put back into her chest. She is handling that amazingly well in my opinion. She will live with the greatest pain imaginable for the rest of her life. Her daughter died a horrible death right before her eyes. Don't you get that??? She will never stop missing her daughter, but she is doing a great job of living life as happily as possible and of honoring her daughter. Please stop to think what it would be like to be in her shoes. Please take a moment to count your own blessings and show Tiffany a little compassion. That beautiful little girl is a HUGE part of her and she is no longer here on this Earth. Please, please try to understand or at least just leave it alone. Tiffany's heart is broken enough.
A Concerned Friend

Dear Tiffany,
Those pictures are absolutely GORGEOUS!! Ellie is absolutely GORGEOUS!! You are doing a great job of honoring and remembering your daughter. You are also doing a great job of caring for and loving your son while showing him the happiness that life has to offer. You are a great mom to BOTH of your children! I KNOW that it is not easy and that your heart is hurting. I am sorry for those that judge you. They have no right! You are Ellie's mama and only you know the deep hurt that comes with losing that beautiful little girl the way you did. I am so sorry! I am sorry if it wasn't my place to address your relative. I just want her to understand. I want you to know that I look forward to your posts because I know I will always find little Ellie at the bottom. She makes me smile! Thank you so much for sharing her with us. God bless you and your family.

crystal said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
crystal said...

I am so sorry. Like you said, until they have to go through the loss of a child, they have no idea how it feels. I am praying for you and I am praying that God will give this relative a heart and some compassion. Like the saying says,
"A woman who loses her husband is called a widow.
A man who loses his wife is called a widower.
A child who loses its parents is called an orphan.
There is no word to describe a parent who loses a child, for there is no word to describe the pain."
No one knows the pain until they have worn those ugly pair of shoes.

Angie said...

Ellie is gorgeous, these pictures are too cute!!

Your relative, on the other hand, is a disgusting cow. I had a friend yell, "Yuck! Where is fun Angie?!" 3 months after Aiden died, because he didn't like that I was listening to a Christian band in my car. After a verbal bitch slap and some blog venting, we have reconciled. But some people are just freaking stupid and don't get it because of their own fear. Not that I'm making excuses, because this person you're talking about sounds like a a huge moron. xo

Natasha said...

First I just have to say those leg warmers are so freaking cute and Ellie looks adorable in them! Love these pictures! So beautiful!

Second I hate that you are having to deal with a bunch of drama- like we don't have enough to deal with in our live already. You know I feel this way too although I have never had anyone be that rude and mean. People are such a disappointment.....they just can't deal with our reality so they try to make us think something is wrong with what we are doing to cope.

Well guess what- your little girl is gone so you get to do whatever the hell you need to do to make it through the day. Blogging, talking to other moms who get it, crying, throwing yourself on the floor and having a tantrum- whatever. Until someone has walked in our shoes they don't get to have an opinion about it.

Nothing is wrong with you, you're not having a pity party, and you are surely an amazing mama who is dealing well with the most horrible tragedy of losing a child.

Like I said the other day on my blog- the real reason they judge us and stay away is because they don't want to face the reality that it could happen to them. We didn't do anything wrong, we weren't bad parents, we didn't hate our children, we didn't do anything to deserve this. We were just people who found themselves in the middle of horrible circumstances. And it could happen to ANYONE! That's what they don't want to think about.

I'm sending love as always my friend......hope you feel better after that glass of wine!



Love Love Love Ellie's leggins!!

I might need to send this "letter" to a few friends :) Perfectly put.

made in mn said...

your Ellie's eyes in the bath time photos are so telling of her lovely, giggly, and oh so fun personality!

michelle said...

Ellie is so cute, she looks like little model posing for the camera. I know how you feel. I not only lost Jack but lost my family too. I no longer have anything to do with them as they were not supportive when Jack was in the hospital and did not even show up for his funeral. I was very close with my family and it was a real blow learning what they were really like.Finding out the true nature of some people is also a very hard reality for parents of loss. I will also join you in that glass of wine tonight and toast you to words well said. Well Wishes

Amanda said...

I'm glad I stumbled upon this post. I had a friend, a few weeks ago, express her discomfort with my blog which has inadvertantly turned into a memorial for my best friend five months ago.....suddenly she became uncomfortable reading it so she decided to tell me that she wants/needs to "edit and correct" it. Edit and correct what? We were mutual friends with the friend that died so I know that's a sore spot and I also realize that her discomfort really has NOTHING to do with me......I just found it weird that she expressed it out of the blue.....again I love this post!!!

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