That's what we should have today.
If she were here, this day would have likely passed without much notice on my part. But without her here, the 15th of every month always stands out. Since her first birthday has passed, it stings a little less. It's just another reminder that while time keeps passing here for us, it does not for Ellie.
For the most part, I think we are doing pretty good. We do what needs to get done, and more. We do find real joy and happiness. But it doesn't mean, we are better. It sure as hell doesn't mean we are over it. Almost every single person in my world gets this. For the most part, we have an amazing support system. I am constantly amazed by how kind, generous and loving some people have been.
But since Ellie died, I find that those few idiots seem to affect me more than I would have let them before. I completely hate stupid people. I am genetically programmed to have little to no patience for these people. I try to control it, but sometimes people are so stupid and dumb that I can't help it. I still greatly dislike these people, but now, when people do stupid things, especially regarding me or my family, especially Ellie, I take it to heart. It really bothers me. Especially when it comes from a family member... or should I say a "family" member...
There is one particular person that has really started to irritate me. Now normally, I would try to just let it go. But I'm getting really sick hearing all the stupid things this individual says regarding how I am handling my daughter's death and how I use my time now. But today, I am really jacked up about her. I've really had enough. So I'm gonna let it out, here. Maybe I'll feel better. I don't really care if she reads this, but I know she won't. Because according to her, my blog (and life) is just "too depressing."
So here it goes...
Dear Relative who will remain unnamed even though I think most people will know who I am referring to because you can't keep your mouth shut and you are the only that acts like this,
Shut up. Seriously. No one wants to hear you talk. You are rude. And thoughtless. And obviously have some unresolved issues from your youth. Let's make a few things clear...
1. Losing your parents, even if you were a child when one passed away, is NOT the same as losing a child. Parents are supposed to die first. Babies die, yes. But they shouldn't. No one should EVER have to visit their child at a cemetery on their birthday.
2. You don't just "handle it." You don't just "deal with it." This is not easy. I won't ever "get over it." Losing a child causes a huge hole in your heart. Slowly it will heal. I do believe this. But it takes time. And there will always be a scar. Right now, I am still developing a scab. Every time you open your big mouth and let out another ignorant comment, you are slowing down my healing. QUIT PICKING MY SCAB BITCH!
3. My life isn't "soooo depressing." Lately my life has sucked. I will give you that. But we are dealing. We laugh, we smile. We love. I would give ANYTHING to have my daughter back. But being depressed would do nothing to honor our girl. She was a happy, joyful baby. We find happiness for her. Don't you for one second pretend that I walk around with a rain cloud over my head.
4. If you say you are going to be there/ here. Then be here! You've all but disappeared since the week we buried Ellie. It was a good show that you put on for everyone that first week though.
5. This is what makes me really mad... This actually makes me want to call you and let you have it. But since you prefer to be two-faced about things, I'll let it out here and just be nice the next time I see you...
My blog, and the blogs of all the other AMAZING mother's I have met through it, are not "pity parties." We do not spend time on our blogs, messaging each other so that we can continue to feel bad for ourselves. We support each other. This is obviously not something you understand so I see how you might be confused. We do have bad days, we do use this space to let it out. It helps us heal. These other women are incredible people. They are kind, caring and generous. They use their grief as fuel for all the energy they use to put into projects they do in memory of their children. The word pity makes me so fucking mad, I could scream!
You have no right whatsoever, to have an opinion on my grief. You don't get it. You should just be grateful it isn't you. Why don't you try imaging how you would handle it?? Why don't you look into your daughter's face and try to imagine how you would feel if your daughter was so sick, her eyes were blank? How would you feel after you've seen your baby with a tube in down her throat, in both groins, up her nose, in her arms? How would it feel to see her swollen, purple and oozing? How would it feel to pick out her casket? Her grave site? Her headstone?
How would you feel on her birthday? Easter? Christmas? The first day of school for the other kids her age? How would you feel about those pretty skirts and dresses in her closet that she won't ever wear? Would it be easy for you to leave the house and hear people talk about their kids? See kids her age? See other girls wearing the same clothes she did? Hear other mother's call out that same name that you no longer get to use?
Would you get up every day? Would you be depressed? I can guess how you'd be. Try to go to bed with those images in your head tonight. Then we'll talk....
Thanks to anyone who is still reading... I feel a little better now. A glass of wine a little later and I'll be good to go! Now for some pictures of my incredible cute little girl...
Remembering June 15th, 2010