Saturday, October 22, 2011

Ellie's Last Tea Party

Ellie has been on my mind non-stop the last couple of days. I think about the times we had with her before she got sick and all the times we've missed in the last year. I try not to let myself think about the hospital but it's hard- the memories find a way to creep in... I just miss my girl so much. She was such a happy and seemingly healthy little girl. It's hard to believe that in just 25 hours she was ripped away forever...

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Remembering October 22nd, 2010
These are the last pictures we have of Ellie- we have some from the hospital and from the funeral home, but those are not Ellie. I will never forgive myself for choosing to not bring the camera with us to the Children's Museum on the 23rd. 
I don't remember what we did on the morning of the 22nd, probably just hung out at home. My mom finished work at 11am, come over and we headed to the clinic to get Max's hearing checked. We had started his autism work-up and a hearing check was part of it. My mom stayed out in the lobby with Ellie, while Max and I went back for the appt. Ellie had on the cutest little outfit that day, purple long sleeved onesie, denim skirt, striped BabyLegs, stripped pink/ purple sweater. For the first time, I was able to put a barrette in her hair- it was so cute!
Afterward we went to the mall. I wanted to start looking for Thanksgiving and Christmas clothes for the kids. I don't think I found anything for Max, but I remember I got Ellie a knit red sweater dress for Christmas Day, and two long-sleeved onesies. When we got home that day I cut the tags off, put the onesies in her hamper and the dress downstairs in the laundry room. My mom had washed all of Ellie's dirty clothes/ laundry while we were at the hospital and put it away- weeks later the onesies took my breath away when I opened a drawer and saw them sitting there. Just reminders of what would never be. Her dress I ended up giving to the neighbor- that was never in her room so it was easier to let go of...
After shopping we took the kids to lunch at Noodles and Co. It was soooo crowded and Ellie decided to not to sit in the high chair but on mine and Ma's lap so she could get a better view and smile at the people sitting behind us. She chewed on a Num-Num cracker and threw stuff on the floor. She loved to be out and about. 
At some point we took the kids to play at the indoor play area, and it was the first time that Ellie was really big enough to "play." She was so thrilled to be sitting next to Max and included in the big kid fun.
 Later that night, we stayed at home and played with the kids in the playroom. Ellie has able to get some stolen time with Max's Georgie and cuddle time with Daddy. Ellie had just started to understand that toys were more than just things to chew on. A couple days earlier, I had realized she liked to play Tea Party with her adorable tea set. She would take a sip out of the cup and bite of the treats. It was the cutest thing- she thought it was soooo fun.


26 comments:

B. Wilson said...

I am so happy you took so many photos. I know it's hard not to beat yourself up over what you wished you'd done. I'm pretty sure we all have remorse in some way-- hard not to when you had no idea your child was going to die. From a complete outsider's perspective, you captured the essence of your beautiful daughter. I think I love that first picture the most. Her little face has this adorable way about it. She really is a beauty, Tiffany. Her light shines.

Sarita Boyette said...

Tiffany, I had logged off tonight & then decided I would get back on to see if you had posted. You and Ellie have been on my mind all day. Wanted to let you know I'm holding you and your family close in thought. I love the tea party pictures - what a doll she is, and I am also happy you have all these pictures of your two wonderful children.

Our Journey said...

You have pictures to treasure for a lifetime. You did such a great job of capturing Ellie. She is just beautiful!

NewYearMum2.blogspot.com said...

These days must be so hard to remember... each moment so special. Thinking of you with all my heart over these particular days and with you always xoxo

crystal said...

Tiffany,
My heart is breaking for you. I love looking at all the pictures you have of Ellie!!! SHe is a beautiful little girl. Praying for you and your family!!!

Rachel said...

Tiffany, I've been reading along since our Illuminate class (this is my other blog) and I just wanted to thank you for sharing so much of Ellie. She is so vibrant in these photos, even though I'm sure you never thought they would become so precious. I'll be thinking of you this week as you remember this time last year.

brigette said...

Hugs mama!!! Praying for you these next few days especially!!! These pics are priceless. What a good mom u are for taking so many! Much love!!

Natasha said...

Tiffany I love all the pictures you have of both the kids......they are just so beautiful and special. Eliie is always gorgeous in her pictures- always such a beautiful sparkly light shining from her eyes.

I am keeping you so close to my heart in the days to come. Remembering sweet little Ellie with you always friend......xoxo

Beth said...

Tiffany,
I read every day but don't post. I don't feel like I ever have the right words. I think of you and Ellie and your family often. You are such a giving and warm person. Your help with the care package for my friend's whose boy had cancer was more appreciated than you ever will know. Whenever I see Hudson (now cancer free after his horrific valiant fight), I see Ellie's light shining. I think of her every time I look at him. I was able to give something useful to the family in a time of need because of your advice and support. Without your help, I would not have known what items would be useful to them in the PICU and what would be just a burden to haul around. As you know, in grief, people make some bizarre choices (as evidenced by a flower arrangement in the shape of a margarita glass that his dad had to sign for at the front desk...wtf??). The look of relief in his parents eyes to see the items you helped me compile was the best thing I could have seen during such an awful time. It made me feel like I was doing something to help. I made a little light in their darkness. a little Ellie light. And I was much better at abiding with his parents during the hell that is pediatric cancer, because of the things I've learned while reading your blog.
I feel like I know sweet Ellie by reading your blog and seeing your amazing photos. Her light will forever shine. Hugs to you.
XOXO
Beth

Kelly said...

More chills. I haven't stopped thinking of you. Love you. <3 Ellie <3

LauraJane said...

Oh, Ellie playing tea party just kills me. Such a sweetheart with the stolen Georgie, too. :)

I know you hold yourself responsible for not having the camera, but the sheer volume of photos of your girl shows how very much you love her and Max, too. :)

Thinking of you so much. I know the hospital thoughts are the very worst, I try very hard not to think of them and keep myself from "going there". xox momma.

Janet said...

As you have endured every mother's worst fear, along this dark path you have shared Ellie's beautiful light with us all. Thank you for sharing your beautiful family with us...we will be saying a few extra prayers for you <3

Ashley said...

Beautiful pictures and post. Thank you for sharing your last moments and memories of your daughter. She absolutely amazing and I have been thinking so much about you lately :( I hope things are going alright for you right now ((Hugs))

ccc said...

Thinking of you so much right now. I hope that you can get through these next couple of days--I will be praying for you and I am sure Ellie will take care of you(and Dave) too.

Jennifer said...

Beautiful, happy, shining Ellie. What amazing pictures of your little treasures. I think of your family and sweet Ellie so often. I will be holding you close to my heart as you struggle through these next days. Ellie's gorgeous light will shine on forever and she will never be forgotten. Love to you and your family.

SG said...

I've been thinking of sweet little Ellie very often, especially this weekend. Wishing you strength and light today.

Ashley said...

Ellie and Max are too cute!!!!

I know how much your heart is hurting as her one year is here.

Thinking of you Tiffany......

Emily.Fox said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family more than ever this week. Ellie's light shines in Kansas city, and there has been no shortage of beautiful pink sunsets lately!

B. Wilson said...

I know today has probably been very difficult for you. I'm thinking of you and hoping your memories of sweet Ellie can pull you through.

LauraJane said...

I'm thinking of you girl, and of your girl tonight. xox

Lisa said...

Thinking of you as you remember sweet Ellie Lauree.

Rebecca P. said...

You don't know me, but I have been reading your story for a while now. What you have endured in the past year is awful; no parent should ever have to bury their baby. Your Ellie was truly one of the most beautiful babies I have ever seen. My thoughts have been with you and your sweet Ellie.

- Rebecca

Boo's Mom said...

Thinking of you and your family today. I hope that you have a peaceful day while honoring your sweet Ellie's life. I cant even imagine how hard this day must have been. Sending you lots of hugs, love and prayers.

Chelle406 said...

You and your family have been in my thoughts today! Hoping Ellie sent you a beautfiul sunrise and an even more amazing sunset in her pinks and purples.

MrsH said...

I just read your story and Ellie's. She is so adorable in the pictures, i can only imagine how adorable she was in real life. I am so very sorry about what happened. I cannot even begin to imagine how hard it is to be without her. MAny hugs. I am here after following HolyBFP (Tiffany Walker's blog).
www.asecondline.blogspot.com

Mary said...

You and your precious Ellie have been in my thoughts and prayers. I am praying that you have been feeling Ellie close to you. ((((HUGS))))
Love,
Mary

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