Last year, I had no idea. I wish I still had no idea. I wish I didn't know anything about, all the organizations that support it and all the people who have worked so hard this year to make sure the word gets out.
I wish my life was different.
I wish my little girl was here still. She would be 21 months old today. Almost two years old. Full blown toddler. Instead, we have a cemetery plot. Three actually. I can't even compare what we did today with what we would have been doing if Ellie was still here- that's impossible. I feel like so much of our life right now is what it is, because Ellie isn't here. We probably wouldn't have moved, so our house wouldn't be getting painted right now, and we wouldn't have gone to Duluth. I would not have spent a portion of my morning taking pictures down at the beach today.
I wish today never had the possibility of happening.
But 356 days ago, our lives took a turn that we never expected, a change we had no control over and the things that happened that day forever changed the course of our lives. Because of it, nothing will ever be the same. Everyday, I wish things were different. Every day I still look around and can't believe we are living this life.
I am thankful for all the wonderful people I've met since Ellie died, but I would trade them (as anyone in our position would...) in a second for my little girl. It's been a year of missed kisses, missed cuddles, missed milestones and heartache. It's been a year of wondering what things would be like and praying for just one more second with her.
I've said it a million times, but unless you've lost a child, you can never know how all encompassing this loss is. Every aspect of my life, my family and myself has been affected. My perspective on the world and life has changed in ways I could never expected. Not all of them are bad, some are good. Everything is different now.
I didn't want to be a supporter or advocate for Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness. But no one asked me. I was thrust into this world almost a year ago, without warning. A year ago, I would not have understood how important this is. If I could hope anything would come out of having an awareness day and month like this, I hope that one, people won't forget our babies. They will continue to remember them long after they are gone. And two, that people will try to understand that losing a child is something that changes you forever. The person that you were before your child came and went, is gone. When you lose a child, you have to learn to carry around this pain and to want to get up out of bed everyday. You have to learn how to be a part of a world that doesn't seem to understand. You have to learn to live with a half a heart...
Today we were down at the beach- Park Point in Duluth. I wrote many names on the beach- all babies that have been lost. I could have written so many more names today. I wanted to, but it was so cold, and we were contending with a slightly uncooperative toddler. If I didn't get to your child's name, it doesn't mean I wasn't thinking about them, I most definitely was... The picture of the two hearts represents all the other babies' names I didn't have a chance to write...
PS- I'm not Carly! These are a lot harder to pull of than I thought!
3.28.10 - 11.12.10
6.13.10 - 6.15.10
11.4.09 - 10.7.10
All the names in a looooong line...
Remembering October 15th, 2010
Ellie's 9 month pictures... they break my heart...