Sunday, October 31, 2010

It wasn't supposed to be like this...

Upstairs there is a little orange shirt with a jack-o-lantern face that matches her brother's, black leggings with silver stars, a black tutu, and halloween bow. Thats what Ellie was supposed to wear today.

In the playroom closet there is a tiny Princess Leia costume. Thats what Ellie was supposed to wear tonight.

In the basement there is a bright orange tacky pumpkin pail. Thats what Ellie was supposed to hold onto tonight with her chubby hands while we trick-or-treated.

Tonight a very happy family was supposed to go through my parent's neighborhood and proudly show off their Darth Vader, Luke SkyWalker and Princess Leia.

Instead the little orange shirt, black leggings and tutu stayed in a dark closet. Instead the halloween bow was attached to the stocking cap of a sobbing mother.

Instead the Princess Leia costume stayed in the closet. Too painful to even see, it will probably stay there for a long time.

Instead that tacky orange pumpkin pail will remain in the basement to collect dust.

Instead a very sad family put on the best face they could for a very excited Dr. Evan and angry, crying Luke SkyWalker.

Today was our first holiday without our baby girl. Just two weeks ago, we were tucking her into bed, all clean and snuggly. One week ago, we were standing over her destroyed body as they desperately tried to save her. Its only been one week since she died and we already have to start with the whole holiday thing. Today I feel numb, depressed, angry, jealous and desperate. I am angry that other people are going on with their lives while ours seems frozen in this never ending hell. I am jealous of all those mothers out there that put their babies into their costumes to celebrate their first halloween. That should be us- it wasn't supposed to be like this. Ellie would have loved carving the pumpkins, she would have had her hands in the goo and it would have been in her hair, ears and everywhere. Max wanted nothing to do with carving pumpkins... Ellie would have loved trick-or-treating. Everyone oh-ing and ah-ing over how cute she looked in her costume. She would have put her head down on my chest and looked away- pretending she was shy. Only to turn back and smile at her admirer. Many times today I found myself holding my breath- not even realizing I wasn't breathing.
Ellie Lauree, you would have been the cutest Princess Leia ever...

There was supposed to be four carved pumkpins sitting out of the front step with candles flickering in them.
Instead there are three uncarved pumpkins in the garage, untouched, and there is one tiny pumpkin with a heart and angel wings carved in it at the cemetary next to a freshly dug grave. It was never supposed to be like this.

Happy Halloween Sweet Girl!


JenB37 said...

My heart breaks for you every single day.
It breaks because you are sad.
It breaks because you are angry.
It breaks because there is NOTHING I can do to make it all go away and be "normal" for you again.

But I can tell you that I love you. And that I know you will make it through this.

You have to make it through this.

For her.

karinkish said...

A giant (virtual) hug

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