Wednesday, January 11, 2012

The Birthday Girl is Dead.

I am so sick of planning "parties" for a dead baby. I know I don't have to do something for Ellie's birthday, angelversary, or whatever... I want to do something- I want to do it for her. But I hate, hate, HATE that she will never be at one of her birthday parties. Planning a birthday party for a little girl who will never blow out candles, open presents or smear cake across her face is almost unexplainable... For me, its exhausting. Its almost an out of body of experience. It makes me feel like I'm a crazy person...

Ellie's second birthday is on Sunday. I can't believe it. I should have a two year old running around here leaving a path of destruction in her wake. Instead, I have a headstone...

Last year, we did a big party for Ellie. This year, I just don't have it in me. We are doing a blanket making party again and collecting fleece blankets (more on that tomorrow) for the hospital. Just a few friends and family are joining us to make blankets and have a piece of cake... I've avoided planning for as long as possible, but today I needed to order her cake and get some plates and utensils. So I went to Target.

I wish that I'd had a tshirt made beforehand that said in bold letters, "THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD."

I don't understand how some people are not able to pick up on certain conversational cues! I went to the bakery to order her cake. I flipped through the book of obnoxious Dora, SpongeBob, etc cakes looking for a cake appropriate for a two year old that has spent the last 15 months in Heaven. There weren't any... So I took a deep breath and prepared myself... 
I saw a round Barbie cake that had bright pink and purple decorations on top but an edible Barbie wrap around the sides. I did NOT want the Barbie part. The lady just kept asking questions that were not on the little order sheet in her hands. She wanted to know why I didn't want the Barbie part... Did the birthday girl not like Barbie? Would she prefer something else? 
I was like I'm trying to make your life easier here- just don't put the Barbie part on it and quit talking! I don't know if the Birthday Girl likes Barbie. I'll never get to know. Because THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD! So take my damn order and shut it.

Even though her little hands will never touch it, I like to get Ellie a present on certain occasions. But what do you get in a situation like this?? I found something but in the end, it’s really for me. Because, the birthday girl is dead.

I brought all my crap up to the check out- there were only two open- and since there was a little girl about two years old in one lane, I went to the other one.  I immediately noticed the cashier was a talker… I hate that! He started in on the questions right away…

“Having a birthday party?”

“Yeah…”

“How old is the birthday girl?”

“Two.”

“Oh exciting!”

Silence.

“The Birthday Girl doesn’t get to pick out her birthday stuff?”

NO. NO SHE DOESN’T. BECAUSE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD!!! Is what I should have just said. It was on the tip of my tongue. It wanted to come out. But the little girl and mom now standing right behind me were listening to the whole conversation and the little girl was admiring the pink and purple party decorations. For some reason, I just didn’t want that little girl to hear those words come out of my mouth… But it took everything to not say it to him. I know he would have felt awful- he was just trying to be nice. But seriously- take a hint. I obviously do NOT want to talk about this… be quiet, scan my things and let me leave!

Planning a little girl's second birthday party is only fun if the birthday girl is going to be there...

Yes, we are having a party. Yes, we will acknowledge a day that I will forever be grateful for. A day that brought a screaming, chunky little girl into our lives and changed them forever. But I just can’t bring myself to think of it as a celebration. How could it be when the birthday girl is dead?

15 comments:

B. Wilson said...

Frick. Awful. I know people mean so well and don't intend to hurt our feelings, but man!? Can't we just be spared from having to answer such questions that require us to lie for their sake?

I'm sorry. I'll always, always be sorry Ellie is not here to celebrate her own life. It's a damning reality. Wishing you guys a swift weekend.

crystal said...

Tiffany, my heart is breaking for you. I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Life isn't fair and we never know why. I wish that I could do something to make things easier or change things. Praying for you!!! Thank you Ellie for leaving your footprints on my heart. You will always be so special to me.

Ginger said...

I cried and cried reading this. My heart is breaking too.

Laura said...

There's no good response here. People need to learn to take the hint and not try to get so personal with a check out conversation.

I hope that Ellie's birthday comes and goes with a peaceful feeling for you. I'm sure it will be hard and torturous but you'll get through it.

I'll be thinking of you, your family and most importantly your sweet angel girl.

~Laura

Darcey said...

I am so sorry you have to go through this and I know your pain too well...when I bought Logan's balloons for his 1st birthday/anniversary the guy kept asking me questions and I thought I was going to lose it. When he asked me what time the party was because he didn't want the balloons to run out of helium I just stared at him and finally said it doesn't matter because we are releasing the balloons because my son is in heaven...needless to say the conversation stopped there!!!

Praying for some peace for you and your family this weekend as you celebrate Ellie's birthday. Happy Birthday to your angel.

Kelly said...

Ugh. When I bought balloons for Adam's birthday, I also bought one for angel Charlotte. The girl asked me if they were twins. Grrr, no, not twins, and how about this, THEY'RE BOTH DEAD! I just said no and left it at that. I know people don't understand and are trying to be nice, but man that was hard to hear. Yesterday I got balloons for Adam and was told they'd only last 8-10 hours. I was thinking, doesn't matter, they're being released in like an hour. Blah. Anyways, I have been thinking about you all. Much love, always.

Robin said...

I'm so sorry your road is rough. I am praying for you and your family always.

brigette said...

Im so sorry these times are so sad!! So hard and not fair at all!!! Praying for you during this extremely hard time!

Ashley said...

(((HUGS))) I'll definitely be thinking of you on Sunday <3

Melissa said...

These reminders of what we are missing out on are so tough. Hugs!

Mandy said...

These people didn't know, how could they? Doesn't make it any easier though, that's the crappy part. When I come into situations like these that make me uncomfortable/upset/etc I try to remember what happened so that in the future I can try to plan a little better to avoid it - by either having someone else do the errand for me or seeking out a different place, different circumstance like purchasing/ordering online, etc.

When all else fails, sometimes all I can do is nod and smile and hope for it to be over quickly.

ferfischer said...

My friend Heather just posted about something similar - the danger of small talk and what lies beneath - I thought of you immediately. So true. here it is if you want to read it. http://samsmom-heathers.blogspot.com/2012/01/what-lies-beneath.html

Deanna said...

Sending you lots of prayers and love tomorrow as you remember Ellie. Happy birthday to a little girl who has brought so much love to so many people. I am sorry that she is not here with you to celebrate. Thinking of you ((hugs))

LauraJane said...

Thinking of you momma.

NewYearMum said...

My heart goes out to you... I'm so sorry that I missed Ellie's birthday while I was on a break. I hope it was a beautiful day for you and her... sending belated birthday love and wishes from afar xoxo

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