I am so sick of planning "parties" for a dead baby. I know I don't have to do something for Ellie's birthday, angelversary, or whatever... I want to do something- I want to do it for her. But I hate, hate, HATE that she will never be at one of her birthday parties. Planning a birthday party for a little girl who will never blow out candles, open presents or smear cake across her face is almost unexplainable... For me, its exhausting. Its almost an out of body of experience. It makes me feel like I'm a crazy person...
Ellie's second birthday is on Sunday. I can't believe it. I should have a two year old running around here leaving a path of destruction in her wake. Instead, I have a headstone...
Last year, we did a big party for Ellie. This year, I just don't have it in me. We are doing a blanket making party again and collecting fleece blankets (more on that tomorrow) for the hospital. Just a few friends and family are joining us to make blankets and have a piece of cake... I've avoided planning for as long as possible, but today I needed to order her cake and get some plates and utensils. So I went to Target.
I wish that I'd had a tshirt made beforehand that said in bold letters, "THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD."
I don't understand how some people are not able to pick up on certain conversational cues! I went to the bakery to order her cake. I flipped through the book of obnoxious Dora, SpongeBob, etc cakes looking for a cake appropriate for a two year old that has spent the last 15 months in Heaven. There weren't any... So I took a deep breath and prepared myself...
I saw a round Barbie cake that had bright pink and purple decorations on top but an edible Barbie wrap around the sides. I did NOT want the Barbie part. The lady just kept asking questions that were not on the little order sheet in her hands. She wanted to know why I didn't want the Barbie part... Did the birthday girl not like Barbie? Would she prefer something else?
I was like I'm trying to make your life easier here- just don't put the Barbie part on it and quit talking! I don't know if the Birthday Girl likes Barbie. I'll never get to know. Because THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD! So take my damn order and shut it.
Even though her little hands will never touch it, I like to get Ellie a present on certain occasions. But what do you get in a situation like this?? I found something but in the end, it’s really for me. Because, the birthday girl is dead.
I brought all my crap up to the check out- there were only two open- and since there was a little girl about two years old in one lane, I went to the other one. I immediately noticed the cashier was a talker… I hate that! He started in on the questions right away…
“Having a birthday party?”
“How old is the birthday girl?”
“The Birthday Girl doesn’t get to pick out her birthday stuff?”
NO. NO SHE DOESN’T. BECAUSE THE BIRTHDAY GIRL IS DEAD!!! Is what I should have just said. It was on the tip of my tongue. It wanted to come out. But the little girl and mom now standing right behind me were listening to the whole conversation and the little girl was admiring the pink and purple party decorations. For some reason, I just didn’t want that little girl to hear those words come out of my mouth… But it took everything to not say it to him. I know he would have felt awful- he was just trying to be nice. But seriously- take a hint. I obviously do NOT want to talk about this… be quiet, scan my things and let me leave!
Planning a little girl's second birthday party is only fun if the birthday girl is going to be there...
Yes, we are having a party. Yes, we will acknowledge a day that I will forever be grateful for. A day that brought a screaming, chunky little girl into our lives and changed them forever. But I just can’t bring myself to think of it as a celebration. How could it be when the birthday girl is dead?