Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Nine months, nine days

Today Addy and Levi turned nine months and nine days old.

The day was spent doing mostly normal things. We took Max to therapy and school. Did some dishes, laundry. Lots of playing, a lot of Patty Cake and I stole many hugs and kisses.

Levi and Addy had their nine month well child check today. It was mostly a normal well child check- except for the conversation regarding their older sister's autopsy report. Our wonderful doctor assured us several times that the babies were perfectly healthy. Nothing APPEARED to be wrong with them.

As he said this, we both knew I only half believed him.

After all, Ellie was once nine months and nine days old too.

The day Ellie was nine months and nine days old, I also stole many hugs and kisses from her. In fact I stole hundreds- probably thousands. The day Ellie was nine months and nine days old, she had our undivided attention for the entire day. She was the only thing we could see that day.

But the day Ellie was nine months and nine days old was nothing like the babies' ninth month and ninth day.

Ellie spent her day fighting. Fighting against something she never had a chance of beating. On Ellie's ninth month and ninth day, she woke up at 2am and gave me a goodbye smile. Her day was filled with tubes, needles, bags and vials of medication. On her day, dozens and dozens of people fought with everything they had to keep her with us.

On Ellie's ninth month and ninth day, she disappeared before our very eyes.

As I watched Addy and Levi laugh and play today, I couldn't help but see how alive they were. Their eyes sparkle, their laughter vibrates right into my core. Their brightness shines through the whole house... As much as I told myself, I wasn't going to let my mind go there- it did. All damn day.

What if from out of nowhere- they were taken today too? How is it possible that on her ninth month and eighth day Ellie was this alive, and then the next day, not? How does that much light just disappear?

Its been two years, four months, two days and 17 hours since Ellie died.

It still doesn't make sense.

6 comments:

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

It really doesn't make any sense. :/

I'm sorry your day went there, but I feel it would be impossible for it not to go there. Thinking of you, those babies and most definitely Ellie on this 9/9 day.

LauraJane said...

This is a stunning post Tiffany. I hate so much that your memories of Ellie were like mine of Jack- stealing kisses and hugs and watching your baby on the worst day of your life (and theirs too). :(

She's such a beautiful baby and has left such a beautiful legacy. And Levi and Addi (and Max too) are so lucky to be who they are because of Ellie. I know that's not even nearly enough and that you want more than anything to hold her again but just know I'm thinking of you and of your Ellie.

Sally said...

Thinking of you Tiffany. This post brought tears to my eyes. I can't imagine. All 4 of your babies are so beautiful. I wish I knew you so I could give you a big hug. Stay strong for those little darlings. Thinking and praying for you:)

Kelly said...

I remember when Lydia turned 59 days old, the age Adam was when he left us. It was a rough day with all those same memories, and then she out lived him. So happy for her, so sad for him. I hate it all. Lots of love to you friend.

Rachel said...

Tiffany I am praying for you today. For comfort for your broken mamas heart. For hope in the one who can give you eternity with your Ellie. 9 months is much too short! I didn't realize you lost her almost the same time as my Makiah. I haven't been here in a while and wanted to say congrats on your twins! They are beautiful! Rachelsuzking.blogspot.com

Caroline said...

So glad you've gotten more time with the twins. Just wish you did with Ellie too.

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