Friday, February 1, 2013

Ellie's Third Birthday


On January 15th, Ellie should have turned three.

There should have been a little girl with pigtails, sassy mouth and big blue eyes, waking us up at the crack of down to remind us that she was now three. There should have been a big Princess or Dora, or whatever, birthday party. There should have been cake. There should have been candles. There should have been someone to blow out those three little candles. And there should have been a little girl there to open presents. There should have been laughter and giggles. There should be a picture on my camera of Ellie at exactly 12:42pm.

But there wasn't any of that.

There were balloons. At the cemetery. There was singing. At the cemetery.

The presents we bought were three stuffed animals for Ellie's Light, a purple blanket for her "room" and a candle that smells of sugar- what I imagine our three year old would smell like. The presents weren't opened. The card never read.

There were cupcakes. But no cake. This mommy couldn't bear another conversation with a baker about the birthday girl.

There were tears. Not because I can't believe my baby is growing up so fast. But tears because my baby isn't growing up at all. Because we never got to see Ellie do any of the things that birthday girls do.

Birthdays are supposed to come every year. But sometimes they don't.






***

Dear Peanut,
Three years.
I really can't picture you as a three year old. But I bet you'd be a little mother to all three of your siblings, but a little bit of a puppet master. Smart, funny and adorable. I know there would still be that sparkle in your eyes. Honestly, I don't like to think of you as a three year old. I like to think of you as our chubby, sweet and endearing nine month old. I like to think that some day, we will get to see you blow out three candles on a pink and purple birthday cake. I like to believe that we will get back every moment we have missed with you.
I am so grateful for that day three years ago when you came screaming into this world. From the moment I laid eyes on you, I knew you were something special. You were magical from the minute you arrived, and there hasn't been since, that I stopped believing that you were here to serve a special purpose. Your mere existence forever changed our lives, and so many the lives of so many others.
You are in a word, amazing.

Happy third birthday to our beautiful, beautiful girl. I miss you everyday, every minute.
Love you forever and ever. And ever and ever,
Mama

10 comments:

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

I like to believe you'll get back every moment you missed with her, too.

I really, truly wish I didn't have about 100 comments on these posts to express how much I wish Ellie was still with your family and blowing out those candles. Comments to amount to much, but your daughter is always remembered to me.

She's so beautiful and I just wish she were here to celebrate 3.

B. Wilson @ Windy {City} Wilsons said...

don't*

kaela said...

I wish she was with you all to celebrate. Please know that many are thinking of her and your family.

LauraJane said...

Always remembering your Ellie and wishing with all my might she were still here.

I love what you wrote about knowing she was magic. Love that. She's totally magic.

TanaLee Davis said...

my heart aches when you say, "they never grow up". It is the bitter truth....our babies truly stay babies. TanaLee, my three year old is frozen as a seven month old laying in a hospital bed. hugs mama-
Felicia

Mary said...

Hugs momma. Ellie will always be remembered, though she may never grow up.

Natasha said...

Remembering Ellie with you always my friend <3

Kelly said...

Happy Birthday Ellie. <3 I love that giant "3" balloon. We sent Adam those same star balloons this year on his angelversary, a green and blue one. Thinking of you my dear.

Rose said...

Hi...late in posting this but thinking of you. :o( It is not fair that babies (or little girls!) can't be here to celebrate their birthdays. Those gifts are so, so, sweet. Hugs.

Rose

Deanna said...

thinking of you, always. I can't imagine our babies as anything else, certainly not 3 year olds! Wishing Ellie were here with you <3

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