The day was spent doing mostly normal things. We took Max to therapy and school. Did some dishes, laundry. Lots of playing, a lot of Patty Cake and I stole many hugs and kisses.
Levi and Addy had their nine month well child check today. It was
As he said this, we both knew I only half believed him.
After all, Ellie was once nine months and nine days old too.
The day Ellie was nine months and nine days old, I also stole many hugs and kisses from her. In fact I stole hundreds- probably thousands. The day Ellie was nine months and nine days old, she had our undivided attention for the entire day. She was the only thing we could see that day.
But the day Ellie was nine months and nine days old was nothing like the babies' ninth month and ninth day.
Ellie spent her day fighting. Fighting against something she never had a chance of beating. On Ellie's ninth month and ninth day, she woke up at 2am and gave me a goodbye smile. Her day was filled with tubes, needles, bags and vials of medication. On her day, dozens and dozens of people fought with everything they had to keep her with us.
On Ellie's ninth month and ninth day, she disappeared before our very eyes.
As I watched Addy and Levi laugh and play today, I couldn't help but see how alive they were. Their eyes sparkle, their laughter vibrates right into my core. Their brightness shines through the whole house... As much as I told myself, I wasn't going to let my mind go there- it did. All damn day.
What if from out of nowhere- they were taken today too? How is it possible that on her ninth month and eighth day Ellie was this alive, and then the next day, not? How does that much light just disappear?
Its been two years, four months, two days and 17 hours since Ellie died.
It still doesn't make sense.