Capture Your Grief- Day Three

Day Three: After Loss Picture

The new Me- sitting on the couch with Max moments after returning from the funeral home.

We had just seen and kissed our baby for the last time.
I had just painted her fingernails for the first and last time. Given her her first and only necklace and bracelet. Read her her last story. Sang her her last song.
I had just seen my baby for the last time- and she didn't look a bit like our Ellie. Swollen and gray- covered in make-up, wearing pink fleece footie pajamas twice her normal size. Still leaking fluid from our futile attempts to save her- we had just watched a single tear slide down her cheek as we kissed her one last time and rubbed our face on her fuzzy head.
I had just asked the funeral director to pull the string on the stuffed toy we had put into the casket as he closed the lid for the last time. I wanted a song playing for her as the daylight was shut out for the last time.

This is the new Me.

Exhausted. Tear stained cheeks. Paralyzed by sadness. Heartbroken. Shocked. Wrapped in Ellie's blanket and desperately clinging to the smell of her that still lingered. Hoping to wake up from this nightmare.

Happy 4th Birthday Max!

Happy Birthday to my funny, smart, adorable and charming monkey!

I love you so much and am so thankful for every single second that I've gotten with you! You make me laugh every day and I love hearing your little voice.

You've come so far in the last year and I CANNOT wait to see whats in store for you next!!

I love you!!

Capture Your Grief- Day 2

Before Loss Self Portrait

This picture was taken on our wedding day- June 17th, 2006.... It seems like a different life. This girl has only been out of college for one year. She spends her days taking care of kids with cancer and isn't oblivious to the fact that kids die. But she knows that kind of thing only happens to other people. This girl is marrying her best friend and they are about to start their life together. She is pretty sure its going to be perfect.

She has no idea...

This picture was taken on October 22, 2010. Two days before Ellie got sick.

That lady in this picture is oblivious to what lies ahead. Blissfully unaware that everything is on the verge of falling apart. This lady just spent the afternoon at the mall with her mom and her two kids. That lady had the nerve to buy a Christmas dress for her daughter. She, without the slightest bit of hestitation, assumed that her daughter would be there to wear it.

She was wrong.

I say SHE because even though thats my face in these pictures- I am no longer that person. That person stopped existing the moment the doctor looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I'm sorry." Ellie took that lady with her when she left.

I feel, all at once, jealousy towards and pity for the lady in this picture. One on hand, I am envious of her blissful ignorance. She does not know the pain that comes with losing a child. She doesn't have a giant hole in her heart that cannot be fixed. But I also feel bad for her. She doesn't know whats coming. I know what's coming and I want to jump into the picture and yell at her to pick up that baby and never let her go. Breathe her in.

In these pictures, she didn't know what I know now...

Capturing Your Grief: Day One

October is here.

I have spent the last 11 months dreading its return.

Its already pushing down hard; making it difficult to breathe. The familiar feelings of desperation, hopelessness and sadness have started creeping in... making themselves at home. The crisp fall air that used to invigorate me, now breezes in to steal my breath away. Brilliant reds and yellows covering the trees bring me back to the day I first stood over a pile of freshly turned earth. The darkness of night starts to descend earlier and signals the start of the holiday season...

Two years ago, Ellie was here. She was alive. She was breathing in that fresh fall air. Then all of a sudden, she wasn't. She was just gone. And even though this last year was easier than the previous, the fall has hit hard. October hit hard.

The busyness of a special needs child, two newborns and Ellie's Light has provided unbelievable reprieve from the constricting grief that follows the loss of a child... but if there is one thing I've learned the last two years, it's that grief comes in waves. And lately, it's hitting hard. Our house is filled with laughter and happiness- there is no denying that. But it should be filled with more laughter. There should be more chaos. No amount of busyness can cover up what we are missing. I have gladly lost myself in the here and now of our life the last few months. But fall has rushed in and brought with it, all those feelings of what used to be and what is felt like those first few months without her...

Over the past few months, I've stepped away from this part of my life. I rarely blog and although I still read some blogs, I'm not as dedicated as I should be to some people that have been really good friends. I needed a break from it, I needed to really focus on being present for the children that are still here- in front of me. But I feel like that backing away has also made me feel like I've backed away from Ellie. And I'm not ok with that.

For awhile, I haven't been able to separate my happy memories from the sadness of not having her here. I have a hard time looking at her pictures, videos make me burst into tears. In my efforts to avoid the sadness- the grief, I've avoided Ellie. That makes me feel like a horrible mom.

I miss my baby. Just thinking that makes my throat tighten and tears come to my eyes. Fall has arrived, and with it, all the feelings I've so successfully dodged... like I said, I hate October.

Besides October being the month we lost Ellie, it's also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. The wonderful and amazing CarlyMarie has put together a project to raise awareness and allow us to speak about our grief and our babies. Each day, we are supposed to take a certain picture and share it others. The project is called "Capture Your Grief." And for me, it couldn't be more fitting- perfect timing...

So here it is...

Day One: Sunrise

Of course, I didn't get a picture of today's sunrise. The babies had just eaten and I fell back to sleep in bed with Levi... By the time I woke up, people were getting crabby and hungry again. So I am going to share a picture we already have.

I swear, since Ellie died, there have been more pink and purple sunsets than ever before. I am convinced that they are Ellie's way of telling us that she's still here, looking over us. We tell the kids that those brilliant pink and purple sun scapes are her paintings for them. One of Ellie's paintings always seems to appear just when we need it most... that's my girl... I thank her every time we get one.

Christmas 2010 was Ellie's two month Angelversary. It was supposed to be her first Christmas- not our first without her. We didn't put up a tree. We weren't in the mood for Christmas. Max was newly diagnosed with autism and hated presents. He didn't understand the magic of Christmas. We had no reason to celebrate. So we decided to flee. Thankfully, our families fled with us. We traveled to Duluth and spent Christmas in a condo overlooking Lake Superior. It was beautiful.

These pictures were taken on Dec 27th, 2010. We were packing up to go home- back to reality. Our new horrible, nightmarish reality. It was bitterly cold outside. We had just survived our first round of holidays without Ellie and were weeks away from her first birthday. I didn't want to go home.

But Ellie knew. She understood.

This was of her way of saying it was ok.

So we took her word for it. Packed our things. And headed back home to face life without her...

Four months x2

Levi

Weight: 13lb 2oz

Clothing size: 6 months- although some stuff is getting a little tight!

Diaper Size: size 2

Nicknames: Little Fly Guy, Pork Chop, 'Fraidy Baby

Food: I fear what our grocery bill will be when we have two teenage boys in this house! Levi is an eating machine! He takes 4-5 oz every 2-3 hours. His bedtime bottle is usually 6oz! Still taking the Gentlease formula. We won't be starting any type of solids with him until he has much better head and trunk control! I will probably wait until about 6 months!

Sleep: Levi usually only wakes up once during the night to eat- occassionally twice. He usually goes to sleep around 8:30pm and wakes up for his bottle around 5 am. Thankfully he goes back to sleep for a couple hours. We are starting to establish some more regular naps, but three mornings a week we are at therapy so those naps are more scattered and shorter. Levi usually takes a good afternoon nap and a short cat nap around dinner time. Still in the rock and plays. We had one failed attempt at sleeping on his back- he only last 45 min! I'm not really sure what to do about him, I think he is too strong for the Nap Nanny but isn't ready to sleep flat yet...

The Good: starting to get into a routine- and it is soooo nice! The mostly sleeping through the night thing is awesome! When Levi is really sleepy, you can sometimes set him down with his blankie and nuk and he will actually put himself back to sleep! The flat spot on Levi's head is getting better and the pediatrician said he does not think Levi will need any sort of further intervention (read: no helmet!!) besides PT.

The Bad: The Puke. Oh the puke. The last couple weeks have been really bad on the reflux front. It hasn't really been bothering him, which is good, and (knock on wood) we haven't had any laryngospasms in over a week.... But he throws up on everything. And throws up a lot. Gross... Even though Levi has improved the range of motion in his neck, we've noticed (myself and his PT) that he has some core weakness. He still has a hard time holding his head up without wobbling, he slouches and holds himself in a "C" shape. The dr and PT both believe this is related to overcrowding in utero and not something neurological.

Firsts: Eating at a restaurant- with Mommy and Ma- the Original Pancake House! Grabbing onto toys and putting them in his mouth. Starting to notice strangers and when Mommy isn't holding them. Starting to make new different sounds with his mouth.

Life with Levi: Unless Levi is hungry or tired- which I guess he is quite a bit!- he is smiling! He is so easy to get a smile or belly laugh from! He is incredibly ticklish- sometimes we don't even have to touch him, just pretend to tickle him, and he laughs! He always has a lot to say and he says it loud! Levi makes the cutest little determined face when he is trying to reach for something and bats his stiff little arm around. He would love to get his hands on Addy and just stares at her. Levi wants what Addy has- be it a toy or being held, but when he sees she has a bottle- he is suddenly starving! I call Levi my little 'fraidy baby because it seems like he is afraid of everything! Every noise or sudden movement makes him jump.

Addison

Weight: 11lb 12oz

Clothing Size: mostly six months, but some 3 months

Diaper Size: size 2

Nicknames: Buggy, Buggy Buggy Boo, Buggers, Little Squeaky, Little Girl

Food: Breastmilk 4-5 oz every 3hrs (give or take). She also has about 5 or 6 oz before bed.

Sleep: She has gotten over whatever her issue was the first month or so, and usually goes down pretty easy. There are still some evenings that she wants to be up and party, or she just won't give in to her heavy eyelids. I think Addy is worried that she is going to miss something exciting! She usually falls asleep around 9pm and wakes up between 5 and 6 am for her bottle. Then she goes back to sleep for a few hours- usually waking up for the day around 8am. Like Levi, her morning naps are choatic due to therapy and being out of the house, but she is getting more consistent in the afternoon. She also takes a cat nap in the evening around dinner time. She is also still in her rock and play but we are practicing taking naps in the Leachco Podsters in their cribs.

The Good: Addy was discharged from PT because her hip muscles have relaxed and her head shape has normalized! Woohoo! We stopped giving her the medication she was taking for reflux and so far so good. I'll give it a few more days before I'll decide if she's ok without it. Addy is pretty predictable in what she wants and needs, which makes life easier and is making it easier to get them into a routine!

The Bad: Addy is has been spitting up more than she was, but it doesn't seem to bother her so that's why we are stopping the meds. She will hate me for this some day, but the girl needs to quit pooping so much! I don't even know how many dirty I change a day on this girl- I feel like it's all the time!! She usually earns a new outfit at least once a day because of this too! Definitely not very lady like!

Life with Addy: Each day, Addy is acting more and more like her big sister. I love it! Addy is so quick with a smile and now she is starting to act like she is shy. She will smile at someone and then tuck her head in. She is a little stinker. Addy will stick out her lip, give a little cry and as soon as she gets what she wants- she smiles. Addy doesn't talk much, but she screeches! And loud! I swear sometimes she shrieks in such a high pitch that only the neighborhood dogs can hear it! Addy is a little bit of a diva and doesn't really like you to talk or make noise if she is eating her bottle or trying to go to sleep. She wants what she wants and there is no negotiating otherwise. Addy will smile at her brother but acts a little too cool for him when he is trying to get her attention. Addy loves to suck on her fingers and can be made happy by just taking off her socks. Silly girl.

Some more pictures of the small people...

One year later!

Miracle!