This picture was taken on our wedding day- June 17th, 2006.... It seems like a different life. This girl has only been out of college for one year. She spends her days taking care of kids with cancer and isn't oblivious to the fact that kids die. But she knows that kind of thing only happens to other people. This girl is marrying her best friend and they are about to start their life together. She is pretty sure its going to be perfect.
She has no idea...
This picture was taken on October 22, 2010. Two days before Ellie got sick.
That lady in this picture is oblivious to what lies ahead. Blissfully unaware that everything is on the verge of falling apart. This lady just spent the afternoon at the mall with her mom and her two kids. That lady had the nerve to buy a Christmas dress for her daughter. She, without the slightest bit of hestitation, assumed that her daughter would be there to wear it.
She was wrong.
I say SHE because even though thats my face in these pictures- I am no longer that person. That person stopped existing the moment the doctor looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I'm sorry." Ellie took that lady with her when she left.
I feel, all at once, jealousy towards and pity for the lady in this picture. One on hand, I am envious of her blissful ignorance. She does not know the pain that comes with losing a child. She doesn't have a giant hole in her heart that cannot be fixed. But I also feel bad for her. She doesn't know whats coming. I know what's coming and I want to jump into the picture and yell at her to pick up that baby and never let her go. Breathe her in.
In these pictures, she didn't know what I know now...