Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Capture Your Grief- Day 2

Before Loss Self Portrait


This picture was taken on our wedding day- June 17th, 2006.... It seems like a different life. This girl has only been out of college for one year. She spends her days taking care of kids with cancer and isn't oblivious to the fact that kids die. But she knows that kind of thing only happens to other people. This girl is marrying her best friend and they are about to start their life together. She is pretty sure its going to be perfect.

She has no idea...


This picture was taken on October 22, 2010. Two days before Ellie got sick.

That lady in this picture is oblivious to what lies ahead. Blissfully unaware that everything is on the verge of falling apart. This lady just spent the afternoon at the mall with her mom and her two kids. That lady had the nerve to buy a Christmas dress for her daughter. She, without the slightest bit of hestitation, assumed that her daughter would be there to wear it.

She was wrong.

I say SHE because even though thats my face in these pictures- I am no longer that person. That person stopped existing the moment the doctor looked at me with sad eyes and said, "I'm sorry." Ellie took that lady with her when she left.

I feel, all at once, jealousy towards and pity for the lady in this picture. One on hand, I am envious of her blissful ignorance. She does not know the pain that comes with losing a child. She doesn't have a giant hole in her heart that cannot be fixed. But I also feel bad for her. She doesn't know whats coming. I know what's coming and I want to jump into the picture and yell at her to pick up that baby and never let her go. Breathe her in.

In these pictures, she didn't know what I know now...

4 comments:

caseyp said...

WOW!!!!!!!! beautiful!!!!!!

Lisa said...

I am always amazed with you, your blog and how real and honest you are with your feelings, despite the pain it must stir up for you. This post is amazing. I want to reach through my computer, hug you and make this never-ending pain go away. ((hugs))

B. Wilson said...

I still struggle looking at photos from my "before" self. As a matter of fact, going back to Germany was SO much harder than I expected... because I was a totally different person when I was there last. It was like traveling back in time and I missed who I was.

Sally said...

Beautiful writing Tiffany. I too want to reach through the computer and hug you. You are an amazing person~and thank you for sharing your story with the world. I have never felt loss like you have. I've followed your blog for quite some time now. And bottom line--I think you're a fantastic example of a wonderful mama, wife & lady:) Stay strong Tiffany:)

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