Thursday, October 4, 2012

Capture Your Grief- Day Four: Treasured Item

Day Four: My Most Treasured Item

When you wake up one morning without your baby, what you value changes drastically. Very few of Ellie's possessions have been thrown away. Ellie isn't here anymore and all I have to hang onto are her things.
The last cup that she drank out of sat on my nightstand for months. I couldn't touch it. I could see her sticky Tylenol lip prints on the top. I was eventually able to put it in a baggie and its in her closet- tucked safely away in a fire safe box.
I know what barrette she wore last. I know what pjs she wore last. They are all locked up too.

Sounds crazy right?

I don't care.

They are the only pieces I have of her. If our house burns down- thats it. Its all gone.

That being said, the things that remind me of Ellie the most and bring me the most comfort are not locked. They are where I can see and touch them everyday. They used to smell like her. I lost it when I realized that her blanket and giraffe no longer held that sweet smell of hers.

I also treasure her night light. I remember being excited to pick out something so girls and I loved how it made her room glow at night..

Pictures preserve their beautiful faces. Videos save their sweet voices. But there is no way to keep their smell with us. When our babies leave us, its only a matter of time before their smell goes too...

Ellie's giraffe used to sleep in her crib with her and when we would go get her from her crib, she would be wrapped around it. I can just see her- legs and arms wrapped around the giraffe, chewing on it. And as soon as she heard us, she would give us a smile and start chatting.
At first, we wouldn't let anyone touch her giraffe. I was terrified of their scent rubbing off on it. It stayed in her crib. A couple months after Ellie died, Dave could no longer smell her on it. It wasn't until about a year ago that I wasn't able to find her scent.
Now giraffe sits on the nightstand in my Ellie's Light office/ guest room. Sometimes I still go in there and try to find her smell...

I love her giraffe because it slept with her every night. But what really means the most to me, are the videos we have of her... I have a really hard time watching them right now. But there are times when I feel Ellie is so far away and I feel like I'm having a hard time remembering her. And in those moments, I am so incredibly thankful that we live in the age of technology. I am so happy we have so many videos of Ellie just being Ellie.


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