Capture Your Grief- Days 6 & 7

Day 6: What NOT to say
Day 7: What TO say


When your child dies, you quickly discovers that you scare people. No one knows what to say to you or more importantly, what NOT to say to you. And it's totally understandable- most days I didn't even know what I wanted to hear. There isn't anything that can change the fact that my baby died. In the very early days, there were no words that could make me feel any better.
Unless you have been in this position, you just don't understand. It's a very lonely place and we are constantly flooded with a wide range of emotions. We are angry, sad and in shock. We are unreasonable and illogical. How could we be reasonable when the most confusing thing ever has just happened to us? Our world has just been turned upside down and we are grasping at anything we can find to right ourselves.
Needless to say- we are fragile. We are overly sensitive and are easily hurt by thoughtless comments. Before our loss, most of us would understand that people are just trying to help. We would remember that our friends and family not only lost someone they love, but are now watching us go through the most painful thing we will ever experience. We would understand that they feel helpless and are also just grasping at anything they can that would lessen the blow for us. We would know that they too are confused and that most people, in their haste to "fix" us, don't understand that we won't ever be "fixed."
But in those early days, we don't remember these things. We don't understand. And honestly, we don't care. Looking back, those early days are foggy and hazy. Thankfully, there are many things I don't remember. But I can remember certain things people said to me because they were either so understanding and thoughtful, or they were just the opposite- completely thoughtless. Words can hurt or help, and I believe that when you are in such a delicate position like having just lost a child, they have an even bigger impact.

So as a little PSA for those fortunate enough to have never been in the position of saying good bye to your child- here are my thoughts on this topic. Of course, everyone is different and finds comfort in different things. This is just how I feel...

What NOT to say to a bereaved mother:

At least she isn't suffering anymore...
Yes you are right. But especially for Ellie, she lived most of her life perfectly healthy and happy- not at all suffering. The last 25 hours were just awful. Of course, I didn't want her to suffer anymore than she already had- I didn't want her to suffer at all- ever! That's why we let them turn off her machines. I'm not just devastated that my daughter died, but I'm mad that it happened in the first place. I'm grieving over the fact that she DID suffer.

She is in a better place...
I never doubted Ellie was in a better place after she died. But it's not like she was in a bad place here. We gave her a good life and loved the crap out of her. This made me especially mad in the very beginning. I would always think, I don't care. I want her with me.

God wanted another angel...
I do not believe that God took my baby. And if so, I don't care what He wanted. I want her here with me.

At least you got nine months with her...
This is true. I am so incredibly thankful that we got nine AMAZING months with Ellie. I am grateful for this every single day. But it wasn't enough. We wanted more. We still want more. Please don't minimize my pain by asking me shift my outlook to a more positive one.

You're so strong...
I'm not. You can't will your heart to stop beating. It just keeps going. I didn't have a choice about any of this- I didn't ask for it and I didn't want it. But we had another child at home that needed a Mommy. I am just doing what I have to. I know people are only trying to be nice and oddly complimentary when they say this. But most days, it doesn't sit well with me. I don't feel strong and most days, don't want that expectation placed on me.

God doesn't give you more than you can handle...
OMG I hate this one. First, I don't think God "did" this to us. Second, to me, this implies that because we're "so strong" (see above) that we deserved this. Like our ability to survive earned us this "opportunity" to show everyone just how much we can endure... GRRR! I hate this one! And BTW, becoming a grieving mother AND special needs mother in the same month= too much!

You'll get through this/ It will get easier...
This is a complicated one... This statement is completely 100% true. But in those early days, you just don't believe it. I thought that there was no way that I could keep on living without Ellie. I can remember telling my mom that she couldn't die. I couldn't survive it. But I did. I am surviving it. It hasn't been easy. Those first few months are too painful to even think about. But it did get easier. There are still bad days or weeks, but its definitely easier... Even though I would probably tell a newly grieving mother that she will survive and it does get easier- I don't think it's anything that she would want to hear. She wouldn't care and she wouldn't believe me...

What TO Say to a bereaved mother:

Your daughter is beautiful...
No mother EVER gets tired of hearing this

Tell me about your daughter...
When your child dies, you just don't lose the physical presence of your child. You lose being able to parent them- at least in the traditional way. When you ask about our children, you give us the opportunity to be that proud Mommy bragging about their child. For people that have had a miscarriage or stillborn, ask about their pregnancy, when they found about they were pregnant, the baby's name, etc. We all like to talk about our kids, just like any other parent.

Saw [this], heard [this], etc. and it reminded me of your daughter...
I love it when people tell me that something reminded them of Ellie. When Ellie died, my biggest fear was that people were going to forget about her. She was only here for nine months after all... By telling me that something reminded you of Ellie, I know that she isn't forgotten.

I'm sorry...
I still don't really know what to say when some one says this to me, but I think it is about the only safe thing that you can say to someone who has lost a baby. Just leave it at "I'm sorry"... don't feel like you have to follow it up with a lot of words, especially if you don't know what to say.

Nothing...
If all else fails and you don't trust yourself to open your mouth, just sit there with them. In those early days of grief, everything is exhausting. Carrying on a conversation is even tiring. Sometimes we just want someone to sit with us so we aren't alone. We are perfectly ok with the silence or just watching TV with someone.
This also means listen. Sometimes we don't want to talk, but other times we do. Sometimes we NEED to talk. We need to hear ourselves say certain words. It helps us accept what has happened and process it all. Even if you've heard the same thing over and over, please just listen. By letting us talk, you are helping more than you can imagine.