Introducing...
Levi John
Born on May 18th at 8:58am
7 lb, 19 in.
and
Addison (Addy) Lainey
Born on May 18th at 9:00am
6lb 6oz, 18 in.
Everyone is healthy and we are finally home!
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Friday, May 4, 2012
"Only rainbows, after rain..."
Having a baby (or babies in my case) after losing a child comes with a whole new set of feelings, worries, hopes and dreams. I was in no way prepared for how different this pregnancy would be from my other two. Regardless of my high risk status due to a twin pregnancy, it's different this time. It's scarier. I'm more doubtful. For a long time, I was less optimistic. But I also have a greater appreciation for every little wiggle and poke they give me. More thankful for everyday they stay inside, growing stronger and bigger... It's been more intense.
Today, I am 36 weeks and one day.
I can't believe we've made it this far. Every day these babies have stayed in, has given them a better chance at coming home with us- all fat and healthy. But the thought is never far from my mind... a healthy baby at birth does not equal a lifetime of happy moments and memories. There are no guarantees. None. I, like many other heartbroken parents, know the truth. The horrible and brutal truth. We know that you can be going about your life, completely happy and blissfully ignorant, only to be cut down by the reality of tiny caskets, autopsy reports and the realization that you will never hold or see your child again. When you've been through what we have, you know the truth. And you realize that those who haven't, can never truly understand.
I can't tell you how many doctors and "experts" have told us that what happened to Ellie was a fluke, a freak twist of nature, "the worst kind of bad luck." Every time I voice my concerns of history repeating itself, I am given the same response- "that won't happen again."
How can they be sure?
What happened to Ellie was so rare that there is very little research or information on the subject. The infection she died from is very common, but the problem her spleen is more than rare. Our answers from the medical examiner, geneticist, immunologist, intensivist, pediatrician and perinatologist were less than vague. Basically, we were never given an answer to why this happened to her spleen leaving her so incredibly vulnerable. And to me, that's not nearly good enough.
Max had his spleen and antibodies checked shortly after Ellie passed away. The babies will have their spleens checked before we leave the hospital, at three months and at six months. They will also have their pneumococcal antibodies checked after their full course of pneumococcal vaccinations are given. I know what happened to Ellie is not likely to happen again. But it wasn't likely to happen the first time either. The odds weren't in our favor the first time, so why would they be the second time??
What I want is for people to understand that lightning can strike twice. Just because we've suffered one tragedy, doesn't mean we are protected from another. Several of us were harshly reminded of this this past week when a fellow mother shared that her two day old daughter had joined her big brother in Heaven. Reading her heartbreaking words and seeing the pictures of her final moments with the second child she sent to Heaven makes me mad. It's not fair that one person should have to bear so much. It doesn't make sense.
This is what I want people to understand... Once you've lost a child, you are never the same. Yes, being pregnant again is a wonderful gift but its also a burden. We know that at any minute all of the joy, dreams and hope can be taken away. We are teeming with happiness and terrified of losing it.
We want people to understand this when we voice our concerns over every day things like rashes, stuffy noses and a nap that seems a little too sound. Don't blow us off and don't make us feel crazy. Trust me, we already feel crazy. Be understanding of our lows.
And try to understand what's going on behind the smiles of our highs. We will rejoice in the snuggles with our new babies and in the little noises they make. We will love our babies for who they are- totally separate from any other child we have. But behind our laughs and smiles is the ache of knowing that someone in our family is always missing. Our sadness over never seeing their sibling reach the same milestones. The fear that it may all happen again and that we are powerless to prevent it. The guilt of moving forward with our lives.
Having another baby- or babies- after losing a child is messy. My reactions and feelings towards certain aspects of preparing to add to our family surprise me. I was ok going through Ellie's clothes to find things for her sister to wear, but it was nearly impossible to remove her still attached nuk-hook from her car seat and get it ready for our baby girl. Finding one of her tiny hairs still on the straps nearly caused me to buy a whole new car seat instead of reusing hers... The joy of preparing for a new child, while tucking away memories of their big sister... it's messy.
There is a phrase out there- "Rainbow Babies." For a long time, I avoided this term. It seemed a little too cutesy and happy for me. But the more I think about it, the longer I'm pregnant and the closer I get to meeting these two little miracles- the more I can relate to it...
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
We've spent the last 18 months in hell. A non-stop storm of heart break, longing, sadness and grief. We will never get over Ellie. Our beautiful little girl was only in our arms for nine months, but she will forever be with us. And this means we will always long for her. We won't ever "get over her." So while we are so excited to meet these two little ones and so happy to have them join us, we will always be missing Ellie... The rainbow might be breath-taking, but it doesn't fix the damage the storm did. You can't have a rainbow without the rain. They go hand-in-hand... you can't have one without the other...
The last few weeks here in Minnesota have been filled with a lot of rain and storms. Rain and gray skies have made these last few weeks of pregnancy rather difficult. I feel like the dreary weather has been a perfect match for how my body has felt. But tonight I was given a little reminder as to why I feel this way... Being 36 weeks pregnant with two babies is no easy feat. But feeling sore and miserable means that these babies are still in there- growing away. And that is a good thing.
So when Dave spotted the double full rainbow outside our house tonight, I rushed out to snap some pictures. And until the babies get here, they will remind me that all of this pain of pregnancy is a good thing. And after they get here, they will remind me that there are only rainbows after rain.
Today, I am 36 weeks and one day.
I can't believe we've made it this far. Every day these babies have stayed in, has given them a better chance at coming home with us- all fat and healthy. But the thought is never far from my mind... a healthy baby at birth does not equal a lifetime of happy moments and memories. There are no guarantees. None. I, like many other heartbroken parents, know the truth. The horrible and brutal truth. We know that you can be going about your life, completely happy and blissfully ignorant, only to be cut down by the reality of tiny caskets, autopsy reports and the realization that you will never hold or see your child again. When you've been through what we have, you know the truth. And you realize that those who haven't, can never truly understand.
I can't tell you how many doctors and "experts" have told us that what happened to Ellie was a fluke, a freak twist of nature, "the worst kind of bad luck." Every time I voice my concerns of history repeating itself, I am given the same response- "that won't happen again."
How can they be sure?
What happened to Ellie was so rare that there is very little research or information on the subject. The infection she died from is very common, but the problem her spleen is more than rare. Our answers from the medical examiner, geneticist, immunologist, intensivist, pediatrician and perinatologist were less than vague. Basically, we were never given an answer to why this happened to her spleen leaving her so incredibly vulnerable. And to me, that's not nearly good enough.
Max had his spleen and antibodies checked shortly after Ellie passed away. The babies will have their spleens checked before we leave the hospital, at three months and at six months. They will also have their pneumococcal antibodies checked after their full course of pneumococcal vaccinations are given. I know what happened to Ellie is not likely to happen again. But it wasn't likely to happen the first time either. The odds weren't in our favor the first time, so why would they be the second time??
What I want is for people to understand that lightning can strike twice. Just because we've suffered one tragedy, doesn't mean we are protected from another. Several of us were harshly reminded of this this past week when a fellow mother shared that her two day old daughter had joined her big brother in Heaven. Reading her heartbreaking words and seeing the pictures of her final moments with the second child she sent to Heaven makes me mad. It's not fair that one person should have to bear so much. It doesn't make sense.
This is what I want people to understand... Once you've lost a child, you are never the same. Yes, being pregnant again is a wonderful gift but its also a burden. We know that at any minute all of the joy, dreams and hope can be taken away. We are teeming with happiness and terrified of losing it.
We want people to understand this when we voice our concerns over every day things like rashes, stuffy noses and a nap that seems a little too sound. Don't blow us off and don't make us feel crazy. Trust me, we already feel crazy. Be understanding of our lows.
And try to understand what's going on behind the smiles of our highs. We will rejoice in the snuggles with our new babies and in the little noises they make. We will love our babies for who they are- totally separate from any other child we have. But behind our laughs and smiles is the ache of knowing that someone in our family is always missing. Our sadness over never seeing their sibling reach the same milestones. The fear that it may all happen again and that we are powerless to prevent it. The guilt of moving forward with our lives.
Having another baby- or babies- after losing a child is messy. My reactions and feelings towards certain aspects of preparing to add to our family surprise me. I was ok going through Ellie's clothes to find things for her sister to wear, but it was nearly impossible to remove her still attached nuk-hook from her car seat and get it ready for our baby girl. Finding one of her tiny hairs still on the straps nearly caused me to buy a whole new car seat instead of reusing hers... The joy of preparing for a new child, while tucking away memories of their big sister... it's messy.
There is a phrase out there- "Rainbow Babies." For a long time, I avoided this term. It seemed a little too cutesy and happy for me. But the more I think about it, the longer I'm pregnant and the closer I get to meeting these two little miracles- the more I can relate to it...
"Rainbow Babies" is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn't mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.
We've spent the last 18 months in hell. A non-stop storm of heart break, longing, sadness and grief. We will never get over Ellie. Our beautiful little girl was only in our arms for nine months, but she will forever be with us. And this means we will always long for her. We won't ever "get over her." So while we are so excited to meet these two little ones and so happy to have them join us, we will always be missing Ellie... The rainbow might be breath-taking, but it doesn't fix the damage the storm did. You can't have a rainbow without the rain. They go hand-in-hand... you can't have one without the other...
The last few weeks here in Minnesota have been filled with a lot of rain and storms. Rain and gray skies have made these last few weeks of pregnancy rather difficult. I feel like the dreary weather has been a perfect match for how my body has felt. But tonight I was given a little reminder as to why I feel this way... Being 36 weeks pregnant with two babies is no easy feat. But feeling sore and miserable means that these babies are still in there- growing away. And that is a good thing.
So when Dave spotted the double full rainbow outside our house tonight, I rushed out to snap some pictures. And until the babies get here, they will remind me that all of this pain of pregnancy is a good thing. And after they get here, they will remind me that there are only rainbows after rain.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
18 months
This morning I woke up at 2:00am. I couldn't breathe. I was up until about 4:30am, until I finally fell asleep playing Sudoku on the iPad. Being short of breath of nothing new- trying to take a deep breath with two people living inside is no longer a luxury I have. But usually once I'm asleep, it's not a problem. I don't wake up because I can't breathe.
But after being awake for about 15min this morning I realized why I was up... because I was up at the exact same time 18 months ago. I was up with a chubby little girl with a slight fever. I was up getting the last smile that I would ever get from my daughter...
I was talking on the phone with a lady today that is possibly going to be our post-partum doula and had mentioned that I had nursed my daughter for about seven months. I had already mentioned Max and of course, she was surprised to hear that we also had a daughter... I told her that Ellie had passed away last October. And she said, "oh so right after you found out you were pregnant." And then I realized that I couldn't say last October anymore. Because its been TWO Octobers since she died. I was shocked. How could that be??
How have we been living for 18 months without her? That's twice as long as she was here for... How could life have changed this much and Ellie not be here to be a part of it??
Even after 18 months, I still wonder what the hell happened to our lives.
It's been 18 months and I still don't know how we got here...
This video was taken one week before she got sick... I don't watch videos of her a whole lot- it just hurts too much. And this one definitely brought tears to my eyes immediately. She's so real. And so Ellie. The chubby feet and ankles. The crazy hair. Her voice- it breaks me into a million pieces. The way she bounces on her tummy and puts her face into the carpet. I wish I could breathe it all in. I want to reach into the screen and grab her out...
Missing you so much Peanut. I can't believe that you aren't here with us getting ready to meet your little brother and sister. Maxer has been looking at your picture a lot lately and I think he misses you too. We love you so much!
But after being awake for about 15min this morning I realized why I was up... because I was up at the exact same time 18 months ago. I was up with a chubby little girl with a slight fever. I was up getting the last smile that I would ever get from my daughter...
I was talking on the phone with a lady today that is possibly going to be our post-partum doula and had mentioned that I had nursed my daughter for about seven months. I had already mentioned Max and of course, she was surprised to hear that we also had a daughter... I told her that Ellie had passed away last October. And she said, "oh so right after you found out you were pregnant." And then I realized that I couldn't say last October anymore. Because its been TWO Octobers since she died. I was shocked. How could that be??
How have we been living for 18 months without her? That's twice as long as she was here for... How could life have changed this much and Ellie not be here to be a part of it??
Even after 18 months, I still wonder what the hell happened to our lives.
It's been 18 months and I still don't know how we got here...
This video was taken one week before she got sick... I don't watch videos of her a whole lot- it just hurts too much. And this one definitely brought tears to my eyes immediately. She's so real. And so Ellie. The chubby feet and ankles. The crazy hair. Her voice- it breaks me into a million pieces. The way she bounces on her tummy and puts her face into the carpet. I wish I could breathe it all in. I want to reach into the screen and grab her out...
Missing you so much Peanut. I can't believe that you aren't here with us getting ready to meet your little brother and sister. Maxer has been looking at your picture a lot lately and I think he misses you too. We love you so much!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Baby Update
Just a quick little update on these two little ones...
We are currently at 34 weeks and 5 days. My doctor is very pleased that we've made it this far and says now that anything else is just icing on the cake!
I had an ultrasound today and each baby passed their biophysical profiles with flying colors at 8/8. They are also measuring in at 5lb 4 oz a piece!
Little Bo-Peep is still breech and they aren't expecting her to flip since there is very little room left. I decided against a breech delivery for her or for taking the chance that she will flip after her brother has cleared out, and very reluctantly agreed to scheduling a c-section. They have agreed to give me an ultrasound when I go into labor or before the scheduled c-section, just to make sure that it's necessary.
Things are pretty much ready for the babies to get here... just a few more things that need to be handled but nothing major. Which is good because I have very little energy to deal with anything! Thankfully we've had a lot of help from our moms and grandparents! Hauling around 10.5lbs of baby is a lot more work than I thought and most days I feel like I've run a marathon after getting up to refill my water!
Just a couple more weeks and these two can feel free to make their entrance!
I know stripes aren't a good look on a gigantic pregnant lady, but clothes that fit are few and far between... but here's a few pics...
We are currently at 34 weeks and 5 days. My doctor is very pleased that we've made it this far and says now that anything else is just icing on the cake!
I had an ultrasound today and each baby passed their biophysical profiles with flying colors at 8/8. They are also measuring in at 5lb 4 oz a piece!
Little Bo-Peep is still breech and they aren't expecting her to flip since there is very little room left. I decided against a breech delivery for her or for taking the chance that she will flip after her brother has cleared out, and very reluctantly agreed to scheduling a c-section. They have agreed to give me an ultrasound when I go into labor or before the scheduled c-section, just to make sure that it's necessary.
Things are pretty much ready for the babies to get here... just a few more things that need to be handled but nothing major. Which is good because I have very little energy to deal with anything! Thankfully we've had a lot of help from our moms and grandparents! Hauling around 10.5lbs of baby is a lot more work than I thought and most days I feel like I've run a marathon after getting up to refill my water!
Just a couple more weeks and these two can feel free to make their entrance!
I know stripes aren't a good look on a gigantic pregnant lady, but clothes that fit are few and far between... but here's a few pics...
 |
| Seriously, when did he get so big??!! |
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Max's Photo Shoot
We had Max's three year pictures taken in the fall, but we weren't ever able to get the pictures from the photographer- GRRRR! So, we needed to get some pics done before the babies arrive. A nurse that I used to work with has started a photography business and I was excited to have her come out and get some (or try to get some) pictures of Max. He wasn't super cooperative and definitely received more M&Ms than he would have otherwise, but she got some good pictures...
BTW if there are an twin cities people that need some pictures taken, check out Bri at Bri-licious Photography!
Thanks for the pictures Bri! We'll see you when the babies get here!!
 |
| A typical Max expression |
 |
| An M&M break |
 |
| Trying to convince him to take some more pictures |
BTW if there are an twin cities people that need some pictures taken, check out Bri at Bri-licious Photography!
Thanks for the pictures Bri! We'll see you when the babies get here!!
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