Tuesday, April 24, 2012

18 months

This morning I woke up at 2:00am. I couldn't breathe. I was up until about 4:30am, until I finally fell asleep playing Sudoku on the iPad. Being short of breath of nothing new- trying to take a deep breath with two people living inside is no longer a luxury I have. But usually once I'm asleep, it's not a problem. I don't wake up because I can't breathe.
But after being awake for about 15min this morning I realized why I was up... because I was up at the exact same time 18 months ago. I was up with a chubby little girl with a slight fever. I was up getting the last smile that I would ever get from my daughter...

I was talking on the phone with a lady today that is possibly going to be our post-partum doula and had mentioned that I had nursed my daughter for about seven months. I had already mentioned Max and of course, she was surprised to hear that we also had a daughter... I told her that Ellie had passed away last October. And she said, "oh so right after you found out you were pregnant." And then I realized that I couldn't say last October anymore. Because its been TWO Octobers since she died. I was shocked. How could that be??

How have we been living for 18 months without her? That's twice as long as she was here for... How could life have changed this much and Ellie not be here to be a part of it??

Even after 18 months, I still wonder what the hell happened to our lives.

It's been 18 months and I still don't know how we got here...


This video was taken one week before she got sick... I don't watch videos of her a whole lot- it just hurts too much. And this one definitely brought tears to my eyes immediately. She's so real. And so Ellie. The chubby feet and ankles. The crazy hair. Her voice- it breaks me into a million pieces. The way she bounces on her tummy and puts her face into the carpet. I wish I could breathe it all in. I want to reach into the screen and grab her out...

Missing you so much Peanut. I can't believe that you aren't here with us getting ready to meet your little brother and sister. Maxer has been looking at your picture a lot lately and I think he misses you too. We love you so much!

11 comments:

Sara said...

I was devastated when I realised I couldn't say 'last year' any more.

All the best with the twins.

Kelly said...

I hate when I randomly have very sad realizations. (((hugs))) I love the video of her.

Tiffany said...

i had a moment like that back in nov when i was talking to this guy and Julius came up. i said "he passed away in oct" and he said "omg, that was so recent" it was then that i realized that i couldn't say that anymore. i had to say in 2010 making it seem like it had been forever ago. when it still feels like the other day.

videos are so hard. i just can't do it often. pics are hard sometimes too. i don't know how we got here either.

thinking of you and the babes and Max and of course, ms Ellie.

Ashley said...

It's moments like this that are the hardest for me too. Praying for you always!!!

Maxie's Mommy said...

She is so beautiful. I am so sorry she isn't here. She looks just wonderful.

Robin said...

She is beautiful! Praying for you always!

Ashley said...

She is so sweet. Thinking of you ((Hugs))

Dandelion Breeze said...

Thinking of you and Ellie xoxo

LauraJane said...

It's impossible to believe how the time passes despite our wishes, huh? I think pregnancy has hit the fast-forward on the time since our kiddo's passed away... I'm both angry and thankful for this.

Ellie is such a doll. :)

Nattie said...

What a precious little soul. I know she exists somewhere wonderful right now and always. It is just so sad and unfair it it not here.

ccc said...

I can't believe how much time has gone by either. Just yesterday I was talking to someone about when I lost David and I said about a year ago, and then when laying in bed I realized it had been 1 and 1/2 yrs ago. The further we get away from their date into Heaven, the more people think of it as a distant memory of the past....Thinking of you and Ellie and Max and your husband and those 2 little munchkins ready to make their debut.

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