2011 in Pictures

Last year, people kept saying to me- "aren't you glad 2010 is over? 2011 is going to certainly be much better." At the time, I just smiled and nodded. But no, I wasn't glad. 2010 will always be there Ellie was here. I hate that the second date on her headstone is 2010, that's not nearly enough time. The last two months of 2010 were without a doubt the hardest time of my life. But the 10 months before that were perfection. Ellie arrived on Jan. 15th, and until Oct. 24th, we lived a blissfully and ignorantly happy life. So no, I was not glad when 2010 came to an end. In fact, I hated it.
2011 was an entire year without our girl. 52 weeks of waking up and having to remember that she was gone. 365 days of missing her goofy grins, rubbing her fuzzy head and knowing that we were missing all those wonderful things that a one year old does. 8,760 hours of wondering what I could have done differently and praying that its all just a bad nightmare. 525,600 minutes of fighting those horrible flashing images of ambulances, tubes and tiny caskets. 31,536,000 seconds of trying to figure what the hell happened to our life. At this time last year, I was wondering just how long it would be before my heart just quit beating. I was convinced that there is no way to survive with a shattered heart...
But apparently there is. No matter how bad we may want it to, we simply can't will our heart to just stop. Time keeps passing and life keeps going. And somehow, we survived. A part of me hates that we survived it without her, and part of me is proud that we have made it to this far. Even though I will gladly place 2011 in the past, there were some good parts. Ellie's Light is up and running- and 501(c)3 official!, we were able to successfully sell our house and move into a new one, see Max make incredible improvements and even though I am still not completely convinced everything will be ok in the end- I am currently getting kicked by four little feet.
I know most people look into the New Year with excitement for what is to come- but I am just hoping for nothing catastrophic... Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I wonder...

2011...

For my birthday, Dave surprised me with a limo ride and dinner at a fondue restaurant with our friends... I remember crying and not wanting to go... My friend Court, grabbed my shoulders and said, "I know. But you need this. And so do the rest of us. So start drinking." And that's why I love our friends...

 Janks <3

Ellie's 1st Birthday...

The worst trip ever to The Wisconsin Dells...

 Another holiday without Ellie- even the small ones hurt...

Springtime...

Ellie's Second Easter...

Our first RMH dinner and 1st big Ellie's Light activity...

Dave's Sister's, Chrissy, wedding...

 Finding ways to pass the time...

 Finally getting to meet some good friends...

Our Light Up the Lanes Event...

Having to pack up Ellie's room and all of her things...

 My cousin Ang's wedding...

 At the zoo...

Lots of pretty sunsets from our girl at the new house...

Horse Therapy...

The start of an IVF cycle...

State Fair...

Embryo Transfer...

 Corn Maze...

Apple Orchard...

Max's 3rd Birthday...

 Trip to Duluth...

Ellie's Angelversary...

Halloween...

Listening Therapy...

More of Ellie's artwork...

 Christmastime...

Ellie's Light...

Failed attempt at potty training... More on that later...

Growing babies...

Ellie's Name Book

Dave definitely wins the award for Christmas present giving this year! He started working on mine in July! I was so shocked when I opened it! I couldn't believe how much work, thought and love had gone into it. And the fact that so many other people helped out makes it that much better. And I seriously can't believe that EVERYONE kept it a secret- especially for that long!

For Christmas, Dave put together a huge book full of Ellie's name in various places throughout the country and the world! It's so beautiful- I can't even fully describe it! So many of our family, friends and even strangers sent in pictures. Her name was written in several states including Minnesota, Iowa, NYC, New Hampshire, Michigan, Colorado, Hawaii, California, Oregon, Washington, Florida, Louisiana, Arkansas, Nebraska, Alaska, etc. The countries where her name were written include England, Mexico, Dominican Republic, Australia, France, Cyprus, Austria, South Korea... I'm sure there is more. Dave took a lot of pictures out at the Arboretum where we had our only family pictures taken a month before Ellie died. There are so many pictures! Here are a few...

The cover of the book- it's so pretty!

This is so cool! These pictures are on the shore of an island that is at 79 degrees latitude N. Practically the north pole. One of Dave's customers is a company that does tours of extreme places. They went ashore to take a picture for the book and found these caribou antlers! I hope they left her name there- it's so remote that I'm sure it will stay there for a long time!

Such a cool picture. Another of Dave's customer that lives in NYC overlooking Central Park.

This picture is of my grandparents old house in Iowa. They sold it and moved up here a few days after Max was born. I've always been a little sad that my kids will never get to experience being there- especially for a big family Christmas. One of our friend's friend was in the area and swung by the house to get this picture. It's definitely a favorite for sentimental reasons, but it's also an awesome picture!

I really can't say exactly how much this book means to me. It means a lot the Dave put so much thought and love into this for me and for Ellie. I love that he took the time to take a bunch of pictures himself- he even said that he liked doing this for Ellie too! The fact that so many people in our lives cared enough to take the time to do this for us is amazing. They planned it out, they took many pictures and made sure they got them to Dave. Time was taken out of vacations, honeymoons and family trips for my Christmas present- to remember a little girl who was only here for nine months. To know that Ellie's name was spoken, written and that she thought of in so many places around the world by so many people going about their lives is probably the greatest gift anyone can give a Mommy who has lost their child. I love that Ellie's name remains in some places and will for who knows how long. It's like Ellie left her little mark across the world.

So to my wonderful husband and Ellie's awesome Dada- I don't know how you are ever going to top this one. Seriously. You've set the standards pretty high now! It's perfect. It's more than perfect. Thank you. Thank you for loving Ellie and I both enough to do this for us. I think that every time I look at it, I will continue to be in awe of just how amazing it is.

And to everyone else who helped out- damn, you guys are good secret keepers! I didn't think some of you had it in you! Thank you so much for taking this request to heart and putting so much love into your pictures. It's something so simple, but means so much to me.

I hope this link works... Click HERE to see a copy of the book. There are some really breathtaking pictures!