Saturday, December 31, 2011

2011 in Pictures

Last year, people kept saying to me- "aren't you glad 2010 is over? 2011 is going to certainly be much better." At the time, I just smiled and nodded. But no, I wasn't glad. 2010 will always be there Ellie was here. I hate that the second date on her headstone is 2010, that's not nearly enough time. The last two months of 2010 were without a doubt the hardest time of my life. But the 10 months before that were perfection. Ellie arrived on Jan. 15th, and until Oct. 24th, we lived a blissfully and ignorantly happy life. So no, I was not glad when 2010 came to an end. In fact, I hated it.
2011 was an entire year without our girl. 52 weeks of waking up and having to remember that she was gone. 365 days of missing her goofy grins, rubbing her fuzzy head and knowing that we were missing all those wonderful things that a one year old does. 8,760 hours of wondering what I could have done differently and praying that its all just a bad nightmare. 525,600 minutes of fighting those horrible flashing images of ambulances, tubes and tiny caskets. 31,536,000 seconds of trying to figure what the hell happened to our life. At this time last year, I was wondering just how long it would be before my heart just quit beating. I was convinced that there is no way to survive with a shattered heart...
But apparently there is. No matter how bad we may want it to, we simply can't will our heart to just stop. Time keeps passing and life keeps going. And somehow, we survived. A part of me hates that we survived it without her, and part of me is proud that we have made it to this far. Even though I will gladly place 2011 in the past, there were some good parts. Ellie's Light is up and running- and 501(c)3 official!, we were able to successfully sell our house and move into a new one, see Max make incredible improvements and even though I am still not completely convinced everything will be ok in the end- I am currently getting kicked by four little feet.
I know most people look into the New Year with excitement for what is to come- but I am just hoping for nothing catastrophic... Is that too much to ask? Sometimes I wonder...

2011...

For my birthday, Dave surprised me with a limo ride and dinner at a fondue restaurant with our friends... I remember crying and not wanting to go... My friend Court, grabbed my shoulders and said, "I know. But you need this. And so do the rest of us. So start drinking." And that's why I love our friends...
 Janks <3

Ellie's 1st Birthday...

The worst trip ever to The Wisconsin Dells...

 Another holiday without Ellie- even the small ones hurt...

Springtime...

Ellie's Second Easter...

Our first RMH dinner and 1st big Ellie's Light activity...

Dave's Sister's, Chrissy, wedding...

 Finding ways to pass the time...

 Finally getting to meet some good friends...

Our Light Up the Lanes Event...

Having to pack up Ellie's room and all of her things...

 My cousin Ang's wedding...

 At the zoo...

Lots of pretty sunsets from our girl at the new house...

Horse Therapy...

The start of an IVF cycle...


State Fair...

Embryo Transfer...

 Corn Maze...

Apple Orchard...

Max's 3rd Birthday...

 Trip to Duluth...

Ellie's Angelversary...

Halloween...

Listening Therapy...

More of Ellie's artwork...

 Christmastime...

Ellie's Light...

Failed attempt at potty training... More on that later...

Growing babies...

8 comments:

Jenny said...

OH i just loved seeing all of these pictures and you look so wonderful!

Caroline said...

Beautiful <3

Deanna said...

You are so beautiful! I am so blessed that 2011 allowed us to meet. ((hugs))

Kelly said...

Love this post! I just blogged about how a new year isn't always something to celebrate. I also just hope for nothing tragic to happen. Our minds.... I'm glad you get it cuz I'm starting to think I'm crazy.

TanaLee Davis said...

You've had quite a bit to think about and reflect on since Ellie's time. A lot, that is bitter sweet but what I saw in those pictures above was a women that is living PROOF that you can survive the most tragic event in a persons life. You stood up to hurt and heart ache and punched out the tears and stand victorious even if behind those eyes lay a broken but pieced heart. You made a difference and changed how others view infant death. For that I am grateful and happy to know you via web. Thank you - hope 2012 find you with two more babies happy and healthy within your arms reach keeping them full.
hugs:
Felicia <3

B. Wilson said...

I know it's not a year any of us wanted to live or expected, but I do see a beautiful, wonderful, supportive family in those photos. One that will always miss their daughter because of the love they have for one another than runs so deep.

It's not okay that Ellie is no longer with you-- but I think it's wonderful that your family is so solid. Hoping 2012 at least provides you with a legacy for your children... as in more of them!

ccc said...

A very full year!

Ashley said...

I love all of the pictures. The one of Ellie's first birthday brought tears to my eyes. We, as mothers, should never have to celebrate our child's birthday at their grave! I'm ALWAYS thinking of you and praying for you. I can't wait to "meet" those two sweet babies baking away in your belly!!!

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