BLMs and those who have had critically ill children in the hospital:
I need your suggestions!
We are starting the process of getting memory boxes together for Children's Hospital and comfort kits for families in the PICU. We have come up with several good ideas but are still looking for some more.
Memory Boxes: What gave you the most comfort? What would you have liked to have? Did you do anything unique to preserve your child's memory? If you received grief information- what did you get? Was it helpful or a waste? Anything you didn't like?
Comfort kits for the PICU: these will be for families who have a critically ill child that was emergently admitted to the ICU. We want to provide things to make their stay more comfortable and tolerable. These will be things for the families that had no time to prepare for a hospital stay and whose child is to sick to leave. What would you like in the hospital? Anything you wish you had to make time go fast or just make you more physically comfortable??
Thank you!!
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
14 months
Peanut,
Today, my baby girl, you should be turning fourteen months old. You would be a toddler now. It's hard to fathom. I miss you so much. I miss chubby, sweaty feet and sharp finger nails trying to cut up my gums. I miss brushing your hair and trying to get it to lay down, all the while knowing that I liked the way it stuck up. I miss your fake cough and the proud little "look-at-me" face you would make afterwards. And I miss that face you were just starting to make when Max did something you weren't to sure of- you'd look at us with wide eyes and I could almost hear you saying, "what's with him?" or "did you just see that?"
It breaks my heart to think of how you would be now. It can't hardly even let my mind go there. I know you would be sweet but a little naughty. You would be at Max's heels all day long and I'm sure you like to help me with chores. You would crack us up with your funny faces and growls. I wonder what you would be saying...
I miss you so much pretty girl.
Thank you for the pink and purple sign this morning. Lots of people saw it. Daddy and I definitely saw it. And we know it what meant this morning. We know what you were telling us this morning. Thank you Peanut. We needed it.
I love you so much. Forever and ever.
Mama
Today, my baby girl, you should be turning fourteen months old. You would be a toddler now. It's hard to fathom. I miss you so much. I miss chubby, sweaty feet and sharp finger nails trying to cut up my gums. I miss brushing your hair and trying to get it to lay down, all the while knowing that I liked the way it stuck up. I miss your fake cough and the proud little "look-at-me" face you would make afterwards. And I miss that face you were just starting to make when Max did something you weren't to sure of- you'd look at us with wide eyes and I could almost hear you saying, "what's with him?" or "did you just see that?"
It breaks my heart to think of how you would be now. It can't hardly even let my mind go there. I know you would be sweet but a little naughty. You would be at Max's heels all day long and I'm sure you like to help me with chores. You would crack us up with your funny faces and growls. I wonder what you would be saying...
I miss you so much pretty girl.
Thank you for the pink and purple sign this morning. Lots of people saw it. Daddy and I definitely saw it. And we know it what meant this morning. We know what you were telling us this morning. Thank you Peanut. We needed it.
I love you so much. Forever and ever.
Mama
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remembering March 15th, 2010
Monday, March 14, 2011
Anxiety
After Ellie died, I wasn't sure how I would get out of bed every day and take care of what was needed. There have certainly been a few days where I haven't gotten out of bed. I knew there would days when I would be angry but mostly I thought it would just be this constant deep sadness. I was not prepared for anxiety. The overwhelming anxiety.
Sometimes I can predict where it's going to pop up- kid's clothing department, restaurants, hospitals, anniversaries, late at night. But lately, I am surpised where my anxiety shows up or how intense it is. Family gatherings and parties are a nightmare. Before Ellie died, I loved this kind of stuff but now, all I know is that Ellie isn't there and Max doesn't like being there. The larger the group of people- the worse it is. Anxiety starts building days before. The anticipation is the worst part.
I've been try to pinpoint why I feel like this- why this part isn't getting any better. And I think it's because I feel like I don't fit in now. I am a different person than I was before Ellie died. My views are different and my focus has shifted. It's harder for me to pay attention to and follow conversations- my mind wanders. My attention span is shorter and my multi-tasking abilities have all but disappeared. I imagine that this is similar to what Max feels like when he is these sort of situations.
It's hard to sit through a meal with people talking about their every day life and all the great things going on in their lives. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I just don't have the energy for small talk. I just want to be at home. Most people understand this and don't push. Others don't. Other compare my grief to losing their sibling or parent. These are not the same things. They are losses and represent pain but they are not the same.
After returning home from Ellie's funeral, I didn't want to walk through the door. I didn't want to come in and start our lives over without her. But now, I prefer to be here. I prefer to be where she was, where her things are. Where people understand. And where it's ok to act how I feel. Going out into the world means acting like society wants me to act. Which a lot of times, means pretending everything is ok. Slowly the anxiety is getting less but it definitely still there. And it's changed. It's more like a surprise attack. My energy for dealing with it, for just staring it down, for just facing is dwindling. Now it just want to avoid it.
Sometimes I can predict where it's going to pop up- kid's clothing department, restaurants, hospitals, anniversaries, late at night. But lately, I am surpised where my anxiety shows up or how intense it is. Family gatherings and parties are a nightmare. Before Ellie died, I loved this kind of stuff but now, all I know is that Ellie isn't there and Max doesn't like being there. The larger the group of people- the worse it is. Anxiety starts building days before. The anticipation is the worst part.
I've been try to pinpoint why I feel like this- why this part isn't getting any better. And I think it's because I feel like I don't fit in now. I am a different person than I was before Ellie died. My views are different and my focus has shifted. It's harder for me to pay attention to and follow conversations- my mind wanders. My attention span is shorter and my multi-tasking abilities have all but disappeared. I imagine that this is similar to what Max feels like when he is these sort of situations.
It's hard to sit through a meal with people talking about their every day life and all the great things going on in their lives. It's not that I'm not happy for them, I just don't have the energy for small talk. I just want to be at home. Most people understand this and don't push. Others don't. Other compare my grief to losing their sibling or parent. These are not the same things. They are losses and represent pain but they are not the same.
After returning home from Ellie's funeral, I didn't want to walk through the door. I didn't want to come in and start our lives over without her. But now, I prefer to be here. I prefer to be where she was, where her things are. Where people understand. And where it's ok to act how I feel. Going out into the world means acting like society wants me to act. Which a lot of times, means pretending everything is ok. Slowly the anxiety is getting less but it definitely still there. And it's changed. It's more like a surprise attack. My energy for dealing with it, for just staring it down, for just facing is dwindling. Now it just want to avoid it.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remembering March 14th, 2010
Around this time Max was very excited to share all the animal noises he knew with anyone that was interested. Actually it didn't matter if you were interested or not- he would still tell you. While watching him "GOBBLE GOBBLE" like a turkey was pretty cute, the best was the kitty. For weeks, every time he said "meow" he would close his eyes like this. Too cute.
Funny Peanut Faces:
Happy girl at 7:50 a.m.
After dinner, we took the kids for the first walk of the year! That's right folks, this time last year, there was no snow and it was nice enough to take little kids out in the stroller. Really is this winter ever going to end??
It was Ellie's 1st stroller ride! I was so excited to start walking again- when it's nice out we go almost every night.
Ellie looks so tiny in the big double stroller.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
The Kids Department
I wonder if I will ever be able to walk into, or for that matter, near, a kid's clothing department with wanting to burst into tears. Target and Kohl's seem to be the worst. Probably because that's where most of our kid's clothing came from. For me, one of the best things about having a girl, was the girl stuff. The dress, skirts, hair bows, tights, cute babylegs, dolls, tea sets. Seeing all the cute new things at the store hasn't gotten any easier over the last almost five months.
I thought by now, that part would be easier.
Of course, I hadn't remembered Easter dresses. Last year, I was so excited to buy the kids' Easter outfits. Max had a cute purple button up shirt, khakis and dress shoes. Ellie had a polka dot dress, white sweater, white tights and a red bow. For Max, Easter will mean nothing. He won't get any enjoyment out of the family thing, although if we practice beforehand, he may like the egg hunt. I think Elle would have enjoyed it this year. Even if she didn't get the whole Easter basket thing or egg hunt, she would have picked up on the excitement and been all smiles- all day.
Thankfully, a lot of stores have mostly really over done and ugly, tacky Easter dresses. But I gotta say Target, has very cute dresses, as well as a lot of cute girl's clothes in general. Tonight, we HAD to go to the little boys section to get socks for Max. I mostly avoided looking at the little girl/ baby section but when I threw the socks into the cart, my eyes landed on a super cute purple dress. Ouch.
Max is starting to outgrow his clothes now and will definitely need some new summer clothes. I'm thinking I will have to do some online shopping this year.
I thought by now, that part would be easier.
Of course, I hadn't remembered Easter dresses. Last year, I was so excited to buy the kids' Easter outfits. Max had a cute purple button up shirt, khakis and dress shoes. Ellie had a polka dot dress, white sweater, white tights and a red bow. For Max, Easter will mean nothing. He won't get any enjoyment out of the family thing, although if we practice beforehand, he may like the egg hunt. I think Elle would have enjoyed it this year. Even if she didn't get the whole Easter basket thing or egg hunt, she would have picked up on the excitement and been all smiles- all day.
Thankfully, a lot of stores have mostly really over done and ugly, tacky Easter dresses. But I gotta say Target, has very cute dresses, as well as a lot of cute girl's clothes in general. Tonight, we HAD to go to the little boys section to get socks for Max. I mostly avoided looking at the little girl/ baby section but when I threw the socks into the cart, my eyes landed on a super cute purple dress. Ouch.
Max is starting to outgrow his clothes now and will definitely need some new summer clothes. I'm thinking I will have to do some online shopping this year.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Happy List
Last week I visited Natasha's blog and saw her Happy List. I loved this idea. I feel like Ellie really helped me to take pleasure in the simple things in life. Like most babies, Elle was fascinated by things like her hands, toes and a tupperware container. The smallest things delighted her. I feel finding joy in the simple things is part of Ellie's legacy. So I was really excited when I saw Natasha's blog hop today!
I also want to include Ellie's Happy List. We were lucky enough to get just over nine months with our Peanut. We got to see her start turning into an amazing little person. I am lucky enough to know what Ellie's list was. I'm sure it would different now as an almost 14 month old (kills me to think of her as a toddler...) than it was a nine month old. But her Happy List makes me happy!
I could add a lot more to Ellie's List. But I think I will save some for next time.
Great idea Natasha! Doing this list made me happy!
Happy List
What's made me happy in the last couple days...Max
How could this kid not make me happy?! He says things like "Take care now" when people leave and climbs up on the big table chair to help himself to the strawberries.
Dave
He always makes me laugh. Even when I don't want to. Sometimes this irritates me, but mostly it makes me happy :)
Tosh.0
If you haven't seen this, you are missing out! It's wildly inappropriate but so, so funny.
After an entire bottle of wine it's even funnier (right Nikki?)
Check Daniel Tosh out!
Homemade Chocolate Twinkies.
Wow. Just wow.
P.S. I did not make these. I wish.
Popcorn.
Salt, butter. Mmmmm.
Criminal Minds.
As if Derek Morgan isn't reason enough, the twisted and completely appalling nature of this show is a good distraction. And that is always a good thing.
Good visits with friends and family.
Stupid YouTube videos
Some are funny no matter how many times you see them.
******
I also want to include Ellie's Happy List. We were lucky enough to get just over nine months with our Peanut. We got to see her start turning into an amazing little person. I am lucky enough to know what Ellie's list was. I'm sure it would different now as an almost 14 month old (kills me to think of her as a toddler...) than it was a nine month old. But her Happy List makes me happy!
Ellie's Happy List
Homemade Banana Mango Popsicles
Puffs (also known as Baby Crack)
Getting a hold of Max's Georgie
Video from last week: Ellie and Georgie Video
Her blankie
Baby Beluga by Raffi
I sang this song to both kids all the time to get them to calm down. It seriously worked EVERY time. Ellie would just flop her head down on my chest and pretend to close her eyes. I can't even begin to count how many times I sang this to her when she was at the hospital, hooked up to all the machines. And we had everyone sing this at her funeral. It was her favorite lullaby. This is not the Raffi version, this is a little more adult friendly.
Her jumper.
We finally had to stop putting her in it. She was getting a little out of hand.
I could add a lot more to Ellie's List. But I think I will save some for next time.
Great idea Natasha! Doing this list made me happy!
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