Right after Ellie died we transferred all the videos we had of Ellie from the video camera to the computer. I was so upset when I saw how few we had. I take a lot of videos of the kids and we do have quite a few videos of Ellie but it doesn't seem like enough. She was changing so fast the last few weeks of her life and there are many things that I wished I'd captured. She had just started signing "more" and "milk" and we don't have that on video. We don't have a video of her laughing hard during the last few months. We have some from when she was really little but thats it.
Lately, I haven't watched many videos. I'm scared they are going to upset me and sometimes once I start down that path, it's hard to find my way back. But tonight I wanted to see my baby. I miss her so much. As much as I don't like to admit it, you forget things. That's my biggest fear, and I know there is no avoiding it. It wasn't until I watched her movies tonight, that I realized how much you really do forget. The way she curled her toes when she was excited, the sound of sweet and sometimes deep old man voice, the life in her eyes, it had all started slipping away from me.
It does make me sad to see her in these movies. I am mad that she isn't here. I want to crawl through the computer screen and scoop up my little girl. I would give anything to hold her again. But at least these videos remind me of all the little things. The funny expressions, the loud baby breathing, how her feet look unusually small compared to her thighs. It's the little things that matter. And I am so grateful that we have these memories preserved in such a tangible manner.
I just love this video... It shows how sweet and tender she was and at the same time, what a stinker she was. I think she definitely had a lot of time-outs in her future!
Ellie had just finished dinner and was ready to get out of the high-chair so I put her on the floor with some toys. I went back to the table to clear some dishes and looked to check on Ellie. I noticed she had grabbed Max's Georgie. And oh man, was she happy! I don't know what it is about that stupid monkey but both kids went crazy over it. Anyways, Ellie knew she wasn't supposed to have it so she got her time in as best she could before Max got down and swiped it. I'm sure Max was later wondering why Georgie smelled like Ellie spit...
And that is why we bought Max a new Georgie and put his in the casket with Ellie. She loved it. And I'm sure it's up in Heaven with her and is soaking wet from all the kisses she's been giving it.
~~ If the video doesn't work let me know. I highly doubt I can do anything about it- it's a small miracle that I managed to attach a video in the first place... But at least I'd know...