Thursday, March 24, 2011


Today was one of those days. One of those days where you think that you should have stayed in bed. Just pulled the covers up and pretended the world wasn't going on around you.

Today is the 24th. I hate the 24th. More than I hate the 25th. The 25th is the day Ellie died. But the 24th is the day we lost our baby. By the 25th, I just wanted peace and comfort for my baby. I wanted the hurt for her to stop and the machines to leave her be. On the 25th, I wanted our friends and family to surround her with love.
But the 24th is the day it day all went wrong. The 24th is the day that the ambulance came and the doctor rubbed my knee and with tears in his eyes, told me they were running out of options. The 24th is the day, that Ellie's body betrayed her in the worst way. The 24th is the last day I held her in her beautiful, perfect body and smelled her smell. The 24th is the day I had to leave her with strangers. I HATE the 24th. Hate.

This morning was the first time I didn't go into therapy with Max. We've been going to this clinic for just over three weeks and it was time for me to back off a little. I trusted the therapists and Max seemed comfortable enough for me to wait in the waiting room. So I sat down with my laptop, thrilled that they had WiFi AND that I was able to log on to it, only to have them walk through the door. A Dad, a young Boy and a small little Girl. The Boy went back for therapy just minutes after Max did. The Dad and the Girl stayed in the lobby, WITH ME, the entire hour. The little Girl wandered around in her footies, carrying her blankie. I heard Dad tell another mom that she was 15 months old. And she LOVED her blankie. She toddled around trying out her new words.
It killed me. I cried. In the middle of the therapy center waiting room. I hope, hope, HOPE, that the Boy doesn't need therapy every Thurs. at 9am. Otherwise I will have to spend the rest of his sessions in my car.

So it snowed in Minnesota yesterday. I am so sick of this state. Seriously, enough with the snow. On the way to therapy this morning and back, I saw four car accidents. People, we live in MN- learn to drive!
That meant there were lots of ambulances, lots of firetrucks and lots of police cars. Lots of sirens, lots of flashing lights. It was more than a little reminiscent of the day I had exactly five months ago.

Three guys in suits showed up at our house today to talk about putting our house on the market. I cried at least three times. They messed with my furniture, made me question my decisions, told me to change a light bulb (how dare they!) and were very nice. So obviously I cried. I'm seriously losing it! And when they left, I cried some more and called Dave. Then I cried harder and called my mom.

Should have stayed in bed.

To help distract from the crappiness of today, we decided to go out to eat with my parents. Max screamed, refused even fries and Dave ended up taking him home just as the food was served. We were THAT family. After I walked Dave's boxed up dinner to the car, I sat down at the table and my phone rang. It was the photography company at the mall that took Ellie's newborn and 6 month pictures. When we got her newborn pictures taken we bought a membership to the company. Tonight, they called to see if I wanted to renew Ellie's membership.
No, no I don't.

Maybe I would have been better prepared for today, if the last five months hadn't happened. So I guess I was screwed from the moment I begrudgingly put my feet on the floor.

So now I will wait for my beloved Benadryl to kick in and maybe, just maybe, I will get some actual sleep tonight. So far this week, it's been an allusive little bastard.


TanaLee Davis said...

Oh Tiffany.
My heart is aching for you. Life just took one more swing...I will try and provide words that soften the blow. You are so not THAT family. You have a child with some special needs...its okay to have out bursts. THAT family is the one were the parents have no excuse for their children's behavior...oh and did I mention they neglect to discipline their children. You however, don't have that issue. Your a wonderful women and strong mother...anyone who thinks diffrently can shut keep their rotten mouth. Hugs

crystal said...

I am praying for you. I hope that tomorrow is a better day for you. I know that it seems like there is no light at the end of the tunnel but there is. Just keep your faith and God will reassure you that everything is going to be okay. I know we have hard days because I have them but thats when I have to remind myself that God is in control and He knows the plans for my life. Its the enemy trying to creep in and make sure you have no peace or joy buy all you have to do is speak the name of Jesus and the enemy has to flee. Have you read the book Heaven Is For Real yet? If not, please do. It helps you see things in a different picture and gives you some peace of mind. It made me feel at ease to know that Jesus is the best babysitter ever. He loves the little children and when Colton (the little boy in the book) was sad, Jesus let him sit in his lap and had the Angels sing to him to make him feel better. This is a true story, beautiful story, and an amazing experience that Colton had when he went to Heaven. Praying for you family. I know you need strength and peace of mind. I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.

Mary said...

Oh, Tiffany...I'm so sorry. I hope today will be a better day for you, even though it is the 25th. Thinking of you and sweet Ellie today. (((hugs)))

Jen said...

Tiffany, I know there really are no words that make things better, how I wish I had some. Just know you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Natasha said...

I'm praying for you my friend.....your day sounds so rough and I hate that for you. The reminders of what we don't have anymore are the WORST. And the day when our lives changed forever is always rough- I am a mess every month on the 2nd.

I hope you got some good sleep last night and that today is a little easier on you.....

Sending lots of love!!!

Boo's Mom said...

:( I hope that something can help ease your pain Mama. I cant imagine the hurt you feel every day. I think about you often - and I dont even know you.

I read your blog every day and on my way to work this morning the sky here in RI was BRIGHT pink -and I thought of you and your beautiful little girl. My heart breaks for you.

ccc said...

Thinking of you this weekend and next week. This is not my favorite time of the month either.

Post a Comment