Saturday, March 26, 2011

My Little Peanut~ I can't believe you've been in Heaven for five months and one day. It feels like forever since I've held you and rubbed my face on your fuzzy little head. It's been forever since we've tucked you into bed and laughed at your little feet propped up on the bumper. It's been forever since I've heard a good growl. Yesterday I saw some new pictures of you on Ma's phone- it was the best part of my day. Those and the video of you giving me kisses. I'm so happy it was captured. It was a really rough week. Without you, everything is different than what it should be. Almost everything I do lately is because you aren't here. It makes me hate most of it. I miss you so much. Please come see me in my dreams soon- I need that. I love you. Forever and ever, Mama.


Things to Not do on Your Child's Angelversary:
1. Celebrate Thanksgiving.
2. Celebrate Christmas.
3. Take your two year old (with autism) to Wisconsin Dells
4. Go to a Kenny Chesney Concert
(I'm sure next month I will be adding "Serving Dinner at the Ronald McDonald House at the hospital where your child died" to this list, because that's what is planned...)

Last night, Dave and I went to the Kenny Chesney concert with my parents. I wasn't too excited to go in the first place. I love Kenny (aka "that Chesney guy" according to my dad) but since Ellie died I can't hardly stand to just sit and do nothing. And there is way too much on my To-Do List right now to just be sitting... but we went. After all, we had amazing tickets. Things were going fine until Uncle Kracker's (an opener) second song. This song started just as a little girl (about 5 years old) wearing a skirt, tights and french braid pig-tails, sat down in the row in front of us. And then this song... "In a Litte While"
Here's to the good life or so they say
All those parties and games that all those people play
They tell me this is the place to be
All these beautiful people and nothin' to see

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you
In a little while I'll still be here without you
You never gave me a reason to doubt you
In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you baby...I'll be thinkin' about you baby

On the other side of a coin
There's a face there's a memory somewhere that I can't erase
And there's a place that I find someday
But sometimes I feel like it's slippin' away

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

Some things are lost some left behind
Some things are better left for someone else to find
Maybe in time I can finally see
I just wonder, wonder if you think about me

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around"

I managed to keep the tears in. It was close. But they stayed in...
I know this song isn't about losing a child, but since Ellie died, every song seems to be about her. "Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town" seemed to sum up the way that I felt the entire time at the concert. I just feel like I don't fit in anymore. My perspective of things have changed and I know those around me don't see things the same way I do. Sitting in a huge arena with thousands of people, isn't exactly the place to be when you can't stop thinking about your baby girl.
Billy Currington came on next and I made it through that no problem. Kenny came on. We were ok until..... this-  "I'm Alive"
So damn easy to say that life's so hard
Everybody's got their share of battle scars
As for me, I'd like to thank my lucky stars
That I'm alive and well

It'd be easy to add up all the pain
And all the dreams you sat and watched go up in flames
Dwell on the wreckage as it smolders in the rain
But not me, I'm alive

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathin' in and out's a blessing, can't you see?
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
And I'm alive and well
I'm alive and well

Stars are dancin' on the water here tonight
It's good for the soul when there's not a soul in sight
This boat has caught its wind and brought me back to life
Now I'm alive and well

And today you know that's good enough for me
Breathing in and out's a blessing, can't you see?
Today's the first day of the rest of my life
Now I'm alive and well
Yeah, I'm alive and well

This didn't go well. At all. I guess we can just add the Excel Center to the list of public places I've cried in the last five months. I just wanted to scream, but Ellie's not alive. She is not well. All my dreams did go up in flames. I can't help but dwell on the wreckage...

Other highlights included:
"Everybody wants to go to heaven
Get their wings and fly around
Everybody want to go to heaven
But nobody want to go now

Someday I want to see those streets of gold in my halo
But I wouldn’t mind waiting at least a hundred years or so

Everybody wanna go to heaven
It beats the other place there ain’t no doubt
Everybody wanna go to heaven
But nobody wanna go now
Everybody wanna go to heaven
Hallelujah, let me hear you shout
Everybody wanna go to heaven
But nobody wanna go now
I think I speak for the crowd"
Yes, I agree. Ellie did want to go to Heaven, but I didn't want her to go now.
No, I disagree, Heaven is where my baby is. I'm not opposed to going now... a hundred years is definitely too long.

"Now "Only The Good Die Young" stops me in my tracks..."
Hell yes it does.

And then, just when we thought we were in the clear... Then this song. "There goes my Life"

"All he could think about was
I'm too young for this
Got my whole life ahead
Hell I'm just a kid myself
How 'm I gonna raise one

All he could see were his dreams
Goin' up in smoke
So much for ditchin' this town
And hangin' out on the coast
Oh well, those plans are long gone

And he said
"There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
Might as well kiss it all goodbye
There goes my life"

A couple years of up all night and
Few thousand diapers later
That mistake he thought he made
Covers up the refrigerator
Oh yea, he loves that little girl

Mamma's waitin' to tuck her in
As she fumbles up those stairs
She smiles back at him
Draggin' that teddy bear, sleep tight
Blue eyes and bouncin' curls

He smiles
"There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you Daddy, good night
There goes my life"
She had that Honda loaded down
With Abercrombie clothes
And fifteen pairs of shoes
And his American Express
He checked the oil, slammed the hood
Said, "You're good to go"
She hugged 'em both
And headed off to the West Coast

And he cried
"There goes my life
There goes my future, my everything
I love you, Baby, goodbye"

There goes my life

There goes my life
Baby goodbye
Baby goodbye
There goes my life..."

I almost feel like we were being picked on last night. I know I'm hypersensitive. But it seems like even our best attempts to not spend the 25th of each month drowning in our grief, are thwarted by litte girls in footie pjs named Ellie or in braids, by one line in a song. I'm thinking we should just plan on staying in on the 25th from now on. If I'm going to end up crying, then I'd rather be at home. So being at the Ronald McDonald House on Ellie's 6 month Angelversary should be interesting...


crystal said...

Praying for you Tiffany. Ellie wouldn't want you to stay home and be sad. I think that it is wonderful that you are helping others on her 6 month Angelversary. I am sure Ellie would be so proud of you too knowing that you are helping other kids and their families. I know that it is going to be hard and its okay to cry. So if you feel the need to cry, don't hold it in. People will understand and like I have said before, tell them to come walk a day in your shoes if they don't. The love of a child is so strong and its normal to miss them and want to be with them or even want them back. I know that it is just the enemy trying to put things in your head to make you hate that day and just trying to get you down because he knows how vulnerable you are right now and is trying to take advantage of it and he is trying to keep you down. Just speak the name of Jesus and the enemy has to flee. Just know that you have so many friends praying for you and I know that with the help of God and Ellie and then all your friends that love you, you will get stronger. Hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked "What makes a Mother?"
And I know I heard Him say.

"A Mother has a baby"
This we know is true
"But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can," He replied
With confidence in His voice
"I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there's no need to stay."

"I just don't understand this God
I want my baby to be here."
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child's smile,
With all the other children and say...

'We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow's where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'

"So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson's through.
And on the day that you come home
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It's the feeling in your heart
it's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one!"

New Year Mum said...

You are so brave... I would not have stopped crying during that concert. My heart breaks for you and all that you're going through. You're remarkable how you can be there for so many others and already be able to go back to her hospital... shows how beautiful a person you are. Love always xoxo

Natasha said...

Oh my gosh Tiffany I would have been bawling the whole time....I don't know how you managed to stay through the whole concert but you are one strong mama. I know Ellie is so proud that you are her mama!!

Ellie's pictures are just soooo gorgeous....such a beautiful little girl!

I am thinking of you and praying for you today.....sending lots of love!!!


Desiree said...

I love that picture of Ellie and her daddy. So beautiful.

LauraJane said...

I love Kenny, but his songs are some of hardest to listen to at this point.

Your Ellie is beautiful.

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