Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A day just like this

Gray and rainy. Wind and biting cold. It was a day just like this.

It wasn't long after the sun should have peeked up over the horizon, that we left the house this morning. But the sun didn't come today. So, in the driving rain and gusting wind, we made our way. We didn't want to go. But lately, we don't seem to have much choice in these matters. Max didn't want to go either. He cried the whole way there.

As we came up over the small hill, I remembered what it felt like to pull in to this driveway that day. It was a day just like this.

This morning we bundled up Max and dashed over the puddles up to the old, heavy squeaky wood door. I shivered as I walked through the door, whether from cold or fear, I'm not sure. But I am sure, it reminded me of that day, because it was a day just like this.

Today, we arrived with a handful of pictures of our beautiful, bubbly baby girl. Today, we talked about where pictures would be placed and what words would be used. Today, we decided granite over concrete. Today, Max sat on a chair in a cool, damp room with old dirty carpet watching Wonder Pets, while his Mommy and Daddy talked to a woman about unspeakable things. On his right, his Mommy and Daddy, on his left, a bookshelf of urns. This is no place for a child. This is no place for parents. This is no place for Ellie.

The entire time we were there today, I couldn't help thinking, it was a day just like this.

It was a day just like this that Dave and I pulled up in the driveway and stared over the rolling green hills and large beautiful trees. It was a day just like this that Dave and I tried to decide if this was the right place. Of course, no place was right. The only right place was home. In her crib, with us. Especially on such a cold, gray, windy and rainy day. It was a day just like this that Dave and I drove slowly down the narrow paths, looking for the best spot. It was a day just like this that we found a little place nestled between three huge evergreen trees, overlooking the whole place.

It was a day just like this that the man came with us out to that spot carrying an old cloth map and showed us where our spots would be too. It was on a day just like this that Dave and I learned where our spots would someday be too. On that day, we claimed our spots with our girl. It was a day just like this that I realized my baby's body would soon lay there forever.

It was day just like this... the wind was equivalent to an inland hurricane. It was like the fury in my heart had been unleashed upon the earth. The rain poured from the sky, like the tears from our eyes. The storm was unstoppable. That day, standing there in the middle of a cemetery, with the wind whipping cold air all around us and rain into our faces, it seemed like the world was ending. In many ways, it had.

Today, we picked out Ellie's headstone. Today, we accepted that a temporary marker isn't enough. This isn't temporary. Today, the gray sky spit rain on our backs and wind lashed at our faces.

It was on a day just like this, that two young parents stood in the cold rain and pointed to a plot on a map.

It was on a day just like this.


ccc said...

You are right. No parent should have to pick a place to bury their child. Uncanny how the weather on both days were the same--but I guess there is probably a reason behind that. We decided too that we will be in the same cemetery as David. Take care.

New Year Mum said...

My heart goes out to you and all that you're going through at the moment. No parent should ever have to pick out a headstone for their child... ever. Love always xoxo

TanaLee Davis said...

tiffany, I am so very sorry for your day. No parent should have to make these decisions. In this world that we live in, it happens to many times. I pray that you will be lifted tomorrow to a brighter day a day not just like today. Remember the headstone you picked out is temporary- God will reunite you and Ellie one day. Hugs mama-

Mary said...

((((hugs)))) I'm so sorry. :(

crystal said...

I am praying for you. You are right a mother shouldn't have to find a place to bury her child. It should be the children burying their parents. It is so hard to accept the fact that your child went to be with Jesus before you did. Its supposed to be the other way around but God has a plan for us and although we don't know it or understand it, He works it out for the better. I was reading in the Bible where it said that God knows the plans of our lives before we even leave our mother's womb. I am praying for you guys. I hate that you had to pick this out because I am like you, she is too little to be gone. Just know that as long as we keep our faith and keep living for God, we will get to see her again. Until then, Jesus is a great babysitter. I am praying for Max too because I know this has to be hard on him and for him to understand. Your family is in my thoughts and prayers.

Natalie Ross said...

I just came across your blog. I'm so sorry for all you have been through. I, too have experienced pain like yours. I lost my sweet 2 day old baby girl suddenly to SIDS on January the 8th. I'm trying to find my way down this broken road too.
Your writing is beautiful and so is your sweet Ellie. I just can't imagine how beautiful Heaven must be with our sweet little girls there. I will be following your blog. It is really a gem!
You can read our story, if you'd like at.
Much love, care and concern for you and your sweet family.
Love, Natalie

Tabatha said...

My sweet sweet friend. I have tears in my eyes and my heart is hurting.. taking me back to that day that we chose Savanna's spot and her headstone. This just shouldn't be.. my heart is hurting with yours and I wish I had something magical to say to take every piece of your pain away.. thinking of you and praying for you... I know too well the heart ache of choosing it all.. we too chose our spots with our Savanna. Although heart wrenching... so beautifully written.. from the very core of your heart and being.. should you need anything at all.. I'm only an email away :) xo my friend

gailcanoe said...

I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your little girl. She was beautiful!

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