Monday, March 7, 2011

Here come the nightmares...

So yesterday I was pretty jacked up... thankfully, I've come down a few notches. Max's slightly improved behavior this morning has helped a lot. However, he is currently upstairs- not taking a nap. I believe that he is in the process of giving them up. The thought of him running around the house non-stop all day makes me want to bang my head on the floor. He never stops. I love him but the Energizer Bunny has nothing on him.

Like I said yesterday, I'm not going to apologize for my anger and sometimes irrational rage, but I do want to correct one thing. Not everyone has disappeared from our lives. There have been a few people that have been there whole way. And I hope they know how important they have been to what little sanity I have left.

And thank you to those who left comments on the post from yesterday. I appreciate it, especially from those who truly understand what this is like.

Adding to my growing insanity are the dreams I have had the last two nights. I don't clearly remember my dream from last night but I know how I feel when I woke up. Sick. And desperate. Two nights ago, it was a bad one. Since Ellie died, I hadn't had a dream in which she was dying. But two nights ago, it happened. It wasn't a replay of the actual night Ellie died but all the emotions were the same. The panic, fear and sadness were there.
I was desperately trying to get to the hospital where she was and there were crowds of people in the way and escalators and staircases and slow elevators. All the while the doctors are calling to say to hurry up, because she's not going to make it. When I finally get there, my whole family is there and they are all sitting on the bed of Dave's 16 year old step-son Jake. Huh? (For the record and to my best knowledge, Dave does not have a 16 year old step-son named Jake. He does not have a step-son at all.) And Ellie no longer exists in my dream. All of a sudden, in my dream, I realize Ellie had been dead for years.

This dream was definitely the straw that broke the camel's back yesterday. I'm not really sure what all of this means. It probably doesn't mean anything. But there were parts of the dream that were familiar. Parts that came from my real life nightmare. I really hope these dreams don't become a regular thing. Insomnia is definitely better than this.

At least I have good pictures to look at today...

Remembering March 7th, 2010

It was a quiet Sunday at home. The weather was nice enough for Max to get out and get some fresh air with Daddy while Ellie and I hung out inside.
Tired little Peanut chatting with Mommy :)

He might be a stinker but geez he's cute....

This is the face of a boy on the verge of a meltdown

Dave showing Max how to ring the chimes. He's such a good Daddy!

Max reading the Sunday paper. Honestly, he looks at it more than I do.

A picture of one of the few times Max has ever pointed at something. Not pointing is an autism thing. Pointing is something you do to direct someone's attention to what you see or want. Max doesn't have this "joint attention" concept and therefore has no real need to point.

Our pretty girl giving Mommy a big smile. Oh I miss her!


Tabatha said...

I hate those dreams!!! Nightmares rather.. I got them quite often in the beginning.. always the same.. she was dead, than came back to life, and everyone was holding her and passing her around but no one would give her to me..

Glad you're feeling a bit better.. sometimes letting it out into the world like that seems to release some of that tension and stress building up.. and I am so glad that Max is having a better day. :)

And as always.. precious pictures!! I love how slowly but surely you can see the growth in both of the kiddos! :)

Hugs and love to you! xxoo

Anonymous said...

Your beautiful family, and especially your perfect Ellie, are in my thoughts every day. I'm glad today was a little easier. I'm praying for you, Tiffany, and I think that you are a wonderful, amazing mom. All you have to do is look at the picture of you and Ellie at the top of the blog to see how much love and devotion you have for your children. It's a beautiful thing and so inspiring to me. {{Hugs}}

fuzzandfuzzlet said...

Have you looked into some sort of respite care for Max?

Tiffany said...

As frustrating as our lives are right now- I would not send my child away or go away while someone else took care of him.

Krissy Cundiff said...

Wow! All I can say is wow. I CANNOT believe what "Anonymous" wrote. I don't know you Tiffany but I've been reading your blog and thinking about/praying for your family for months now. You have been dealt an unthinkable hand and are in the midst of greiving and for anyone to say such harsh things is just cruel and unnecessary. How do you deal with the death of a child? How do you deal with learning about autism? Both extremely difficult/near impossible things and yet you have to do them at the same time. I am so incredibly sorry for your pain and what you're going through. Please don't let the cruel things that other people write bring you any more pain than you are already going through.
Thinking of you daily- hugs to you.

Kaylan in MN said...

I don't know you either, Tiffany - but, like Krissy, I have also been following your blog and thinking/praying for you guys for months. I also live in MN and there have been a few times I wish I could "know" you in real life so I could find some way to physically reach out and help you and your beautiful family. If there was a way to SLAP and SLAP HARD the evil, awful, "Anonymous" chicken who left the above comment I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm so sorry that ignorant people like that exist. Anyone who has even read one entry on your blog can see how devoted you are to your children. You are grieving - the loss of Ellie AND the loss of some of the dreams you had for Max - you are ALLOWED to have bad days, days when everything sucks - that doesn't mean you don't love your children, that doesn't mean you and your husband aren't doing everything in your power to help your son. An autism diagnosis is hard - it takes time to adjust, it takes time to accept and understand what your new life will be like. I believe that Max will do remarkable things in his life - I believe that he will overcome many if not all of the challenges of autism - after all, he has perfect, beautiful, Ellie looking out for him in Heaven, to help him out. I believe that when Max is old enough to read this blog he will see how amazing his mother is, and how brave she was to write her thoughts down in the midst of a pain that is so unthinkable and horrible that no one would judge her if she just spent all day every day in her bed crying. When he reads your words, he will have nothing but pride for the woman you are. "Anonymous" - you have no right to judge this beautiful grieving mother - shame on you for your nasty comments - I pity you, you evil jerk - get a life and a go look up the word "sensitivity" in the dictionary, you need help.

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