St. Patrick's Day

I have distinct memories from last St. Patrick's Day. I wasn't feeling very well so Dave worked from home. Ellie was really tiny and Max was a little crabby. We spent a lot of time hanging out in the living room and taking naps. I remember thinking that next year I would have a little more fun with St. Patrick's Day. I wanted to serve only green food all day and bust out the green finger paint.
When I woke-up this morning, I was sad thinking about the way I had intended on spending this day. Our little girl isn't here to celebrate with and Max does not like fingerpaint! Nor does he like his food messed with- he doesn't like anything messed with! I was convinced it was going to be one of those days. A sad day, a down day. When I went in to get Max out of his crib I saw he had a runny nose- not again! But it was green- I guess it was his attempt at being festive!

As upsetting as I thought today was going to be, it actually turned out to be a pretty good day. The weather today is beautiful (finally!) and it really gave me a boost. And even though he doesn't feel well, Max is in a pretty good mood. He's having some Mommy issues and is a little on the clingy side- which I'm definitely ok with! Usually we have the opposite problem. We've had lots of cuddles and giggles today.

After therapy this morning (where he did soooo good!), we went to Ellie's Park (the cemetary) to tell her Happy St. Patrick's Day. What a muddy mess! Max wouldn't wear his boots without being hysterical so we went in just tennis shoes. The sun was shining through the trees right onto Ellie's spot. I could feel her there today. Max kept standing next to her spot and staring at her temporary marker. I wonder if he felt her too.

 Happy St. Patrick's Ellie Bell!

Flowers from Ma

 Oh how I miss he would have agreed to boots!

On the way home we stopped for a snack and then he actually wanted to play outside. And we didn't have to wear jackets! We blew bubbles and he discovered the joy of splashing in puddles. He ate lunch without tears and then happily played. We watched some Wonder Pets and had cuddles on "Mommy Daddy bed, and now he is sleeping. Yay for fresh air!

Checking out the water coming out of the spout and splashing onto the ground

Good days are so bittersweet. I so desperately want a break from the sadness and grief but when I get one, I feel a little guilty for enjoying it. Although the guilt is less. I know Ellie wants me to have good days. So I try to really enjoy good moments as they come, especially with Max. But good days remind that Ellie not here to share them. Today would have been the first day that I could take Ellie out to enjoy the weather. After a long winter, she would have forgotten that you could ever be outside and not freeze. I'm sure she would be walking by now, and she would have loved splashing in the puddles with her brother. The thought of trying to get two wet, muddy toddlers into the house without making a huge mess actually makes me sad!

Even though there were moments of sadness and longing for my Peanut today, I did feel like she was closer. Something about the shining sun and gentle breeze, just makes her feel closer.

Last night, right before I drifted off to sleep, I could feel her chubby, warm hands on my face. And I can remember seeing her face up close to mine trying to give me one of her sloppy kisses. It was so real. It had to be her. Some may think that sounds crazy- but I don't care. I'm her Mommy and I know I felt her. Plus there is better way to drift off into dreamland than that.

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Remembering March 17th, 2010

St. Patrick's Day