Saturday, March 19, 2011

Two Blog Hops!

Today is not only Happy List Saturday but also Small Miracles- Celebrating Hope Blog Hop day. I love both of these blog hops, I think it's really good to make a concerted effort to focus on happiness and hope right now. It is so easy to become consumed by the sadness and heaviness of grief. There are days when I don't have the energy to fight the tears or haunting memories and I think that's ok. It's part of this process. But that can't be my every day. Ellie wouldn't want that. So thank you Franchesca and Natasha for making me take the time to look around me and see the happiness, the hope and small miracles right in front of me. And to help me appreciate them, even in the midst of my heartache.

When I started thinking about how to approach this double blog hop, I must admit, I was a little stressed. I know, everything else going on in my life and I get stressed over a blog entry... Anyways... So I have been thinking on and off about it for the last couple days and this morning I realized, to me, hope and happiness are pretty much synonymous right now. Things that bring me hope, even in the smallest doses, make me happy. Ah-ha! A combined list... So without further ado.....

My Happy- Hope List

Max's New Friend
Yesterday when I picked Max up from school, his speech therapist told me that Max was actually playing with another child today! Max was actively trying to get his attention and wanted to interact with him! I almost burst into tears, I was SO thrilled! This is a huge thing for Max to do. He rarely tries to get the attention of another person, and never another kid! This past week he also grabbed my hand to bring me somewhere and did this with his Bompa today also! He approached me when I was eating at the table and asked for some of what I was eating. He has NEVER done this before. These things give me hope that Max will have friends and he will enjoy the company of other kids. This is nothing short of a small miracle!
Hi, I'm Max. I'm pretty freakin' awesome. You should be my friend.

My label maker.
Yes, I'm aware that this probably qualifies me as some sort of freak but I don't care. I'm in love with it. Everything just looks so much better with a printed label on it. My house could likely be considered some sort of disaster zone right now. Chaos has it's grip on just about every corner of the house and it's driving me crazy. A few hours with the label makers should help :)

The neighbor's new puppy.
I got to hold him the other day and he is so tiny, so cute and smells so good. He has that loose, stretchy skin on his neck and head, and sharp little puppy teeth. How can a puppy not make you happy?!

Grandma's Spaghetti.
Grandma's spaghetti isn't just the regular spaghetti and sauce. It's baked and has chunks of gooey, melted yummy cheese. On my mom's side of the family, it's a staple. And we are slightly obsessed with it. (That's right Kaelin, I had spaghetti this week :)!)
This recipe will be in the Ellie's Light Cookbook so just another reason to buy it when it comes out!!

Warm Weather.
Sunlight. Oh how I have missed you. There is something about the nice weather after a long Minnesota winter that just puts a little spring in your step. Finally, the end of winter is in sight.

I don't know that this song necessarily makes me happy but it definitely gives me hope. And reminds me that sometimes we need to have it, even if there isn't any real reason we can see.

My heart from Ellie.
Last night I was getting Max's bath ready and put some bubbles in it (this sensory integration stuff is taking over our lives...) and once again, a perfect heart in the tub. I never saw this before Ellie died. Thank you Peanut!

Pink sunrises and sunsets.
My Peanut has been busy this week painting the sky pink for us. On the 15th, she painted it pink and so many people noticed. I woke up to a text message from a friend who saw it and let me know she was thinking of Ellie. Thank you Linds! Dave and I noticed the sky that morning and we know it was for us. We made a big decision this week and I think it was Ellie's way of telling us it was ok.

So what was that decision??

This is a big one on the Happy List (and also on the holy-crap-I-think-I'm-going-to-throw-up List too- but more on that later) and Hope List. It took a bunch of small miracles for this to happen....

New House.
Today Dave and I signed papers on a new house. A perfect house. The thought of living there without Ellie is terrifying. And I hate it. But this new house and neighborhood is going to be amazing for Max. He will have so many more opportunities. We weren't planning on staying in this house forever, but weren't planning on moving for a few more years. Until, Ellie died. That changed everything. Everything. This house is the only place our girl ever lived. Her memories are everywhere. And it hurts to live here. It hurts to live without her in general, but living in this house, with that empty pink room, is suffocating.
I could never put another child in that room. It's Ellie's room and always will be as long as we live here. I want another child, but before we can go down that road, we need to heal. And I don't think I can do that here. So, this amazing, beautiful house kind of fell into our laps. We have been working with some incredibly kind people that have gone way out of there way to help us make this change.
It's a huge, huge decision. It will be a new start. I definitely have a lot of sadness and fears around moving away from here and to a new neighborhood. But the difficulty of being at Ellie's house, without Ellie, is much harder.
So, holy crap- we bought a house today.

Last week, I really liked doing a happy list for Ellie... So I'm doing it again...

Ellie's Happy List

Enough said.

Her Brother.
Right now, she should be driving him insane with her attempts to get his attention. She would be trying to chew on his face every chance she got.

Ok, these probably make me more than happy than they made her. But she looked to cute. And what doesn't girl isn't happy when she looks cute?!

Swinging on the big swing on the patio.
I got this swing for Mother's Day last year and Ellie and I spent a lot of time on it last summer. She was too little to play in the yard, so while Max ran free, we rocked. We got many giggles and many smiles while on the swing with her. She really loved it if it was a little windy out.
October 3rd, 2010


Tiffany said...

love both lists. congrats on your new house. i can only imagine how hard it must be to think about moving from the place where you raised your baby girl. i hope the transition is as gentle as it can be. i love the heart she left you. i got chills looking at the pic. and yay for Max's new friend. wonderful. i guess fran and natasha are doing us a favor by "forcing" us to think happier thoughts. those are too very smart women! ;) sending you love, my friend.

Mary said...

Congrats on the new house! Ellie will be blessing the new home from above. She's obviously watching over you now...that picture of the heart in the tub nearly made me cry. She'll always be with you, remember that. Beautiful list!

New Year Mum said...

Love the heart in the bath... she's definitely there with you :)) Great that you signed on a new house and hope that it's a lovely part of your healing xoxo

ccc said...

Congrats on the new house and I am happy that Ellie helped make your decision peaceful. And it sounds like Max is starting to connect with others a bit--that's great. I'm with you on the warm weather-we're in Michigan-it's been a brutal winter.

Jen said...

I just wanted you to know that your happy list brought a smile to my face! I am so excited for Max and I truly understand the happiness of a label maker ( though my house is not evidence of it!). The heart brought a smile and a tear! Beautiful!

Tabatha said...

I am full of huge smiles right now!! I just love your list and how you combined them. And you are so right.. they really do go hand in hand with each other.. Congrats on the new house!! The heart in the bath gave me chills.. so thrilled that sweet Ellie was giving you signs all week! I just love that our little angels know what we need and when we need it the most! Thanks for the smiles my friend.. I needed it! :)

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