Ellie was such an easy going baby that it was no big deal to just do whatever we wanted to- so we did. We played in the leaves, went to the apple orchard and to pick out pumpkins and play in the straw maze. We have so many great pictures from all these fun things we did with the kids last fall, and since Ellie passed away, the pictures organized into the "Fall 10" folder on my computer have been some of the favorites. They are the last memories with have with our sweet girl, of our old lives.
I dreaded opening up the fall photos folder because it's the last one we have with Ellie pictures. Every folder after that just has pictures of things in honor or in memory of Ellie. And that sucks. These pictures make me so happy and so sad. Today Ellie should be twenty months old. That's insane! I can't even imagine what it would be like to have her in the house as a busy toddler. I'm sure it would be amazing though. The next month and eight days worth of pictures we have are our last memories. They are the things that I've held onto for the last ten months. Every day that passes, there are fewer... It's been so healing for me to look back (almost) everyday to what we were doing last year. It was my reminder of the good things when horrible scary thoughts crept into my mind. It was my reminder that Ellie really was here, she wasn't just the best dream I've ever had.
Lately, a peace seems to have settled over me. The feelings of anger, extreme sadness and despair are lessening and when they do make an appearance, they don't last quite as long. I will say that I hate to admit that it's getting easier. And I'm pretty sure that other BLMs know what I'm talking about. I don't like feeling sad and depressed all the time, but I feel like allowing peace in makes me a bad mom. In my mind, I should never feel ok without her here. I know this doesn't make sense- but what does in my life right now?? But the whole guilt over peace is it's own separate issue...
My worry right now is how much worse things are going to start get in the next month. In just forty days, it will be one year since we said good-bye (insert uncontrollable shaking, crying and vomiting here). I don't see any possible scenario in which these next forty days don't progressively get more sucky (trying not to swear- not working out so well...). Memories of the time we did this and that with Ellie are going to start pouring in. It's already started.
Tonight Dave and I were talking about going to the apple orchards with our friends, just like we did last year. The place we went last year is really close and was a really nice place, but I don't want to go back again. I have anxiety anxiety. Yes, it's an official medical term. The anticipation of anxiety makes me anxious. The fear of those awful sad feelings is totally overwhelming. It's almost never as bad as I imagine it will be, but when it comes down to it, I just am sick of feeling like that, and I don't want to make new memories at a place where we already had memories with Ellie. Of course, we've been doing this since Ellie died. But the first time at a new place is always awful...
I just want our old life back from 365 days ago....
Ellie~ Happy 20 months Peanut! We miss you so much and thank you so much for the dragonfly on your spot today! I wanted to scream and runaway when I got there today and saw they had just started the process of burying someone nearby. But when I got to your spot and saw your sign, I knew it would be ok. I love you little girl!!
Remembering September 14th, 2010
What to do with a baby and toddler who want to be at Mommy's feet while she makes dinner?? Tupperware!!
I plopped Elle in the drawer and her and Max went to town throwing crap all over. Please note Ellie's chubby thighs hanging out of her BabyLegs that had to be pulled down to let the cool air in!
Remembering September 15th, 2010
Please prepare yourself for the cuteness you are about to see...
|This is Elle's "I'm not supposed to have Georgie but holy crap am I happy when I do!" look!|
|Yes, I agree she is cute!|
|This pic and the next are of Ellie doing her patented "excited dance." Moves include moving her legs back and forth on the ground, tightening her arms and giving a little growl. I should really find a video of this- it's awesome.|
|Oh yeah, spread out fingers is an important part of the "excited dance" too.|
|All of a sudden, she started looking so old.|
|I could look at her all damn day... sigh...|
|Ellie went to bed early this night (apparently turning eight months old is hard work), and Dave and I got some time alone with Max and he was in a really good mood. Here he is playing a little peek-a-boo.|
|Playing with Daddy|
|He thought this was hilarious.... he was climbing up onto the chair with toys and then dropping them onto Daddy was laying on the floor beneath the chair...|