The new Me- sitting on the couch with Max moments after returning from the funeral home.
We had just seen and kissed our baby for the last time.
I had just painted her fingernails for the first and last time. Given her her first and only necklace and bracelet. Read her her last story. Sang her her last song.
I had just seen my baby for the last time- and she didn't look a bit like our Ellie. Swollen and gray- covered in make-up, wearing pink fleece footie pajamas twice her normal size. Still leaking fluid from our futile attempts to save her- we had just watched a single tear slide down her cheek as we kissed her one last time and rubbed our face on her fuzzy head.
I had just asked the funeral director to pull the string on the stuffed toy we had put into the casket as he closed the lid for the last time. I wanted a song playing for her as the daylight was shut out for the last time.
This is the new Me.
Exhausted. Tear stained cheeks. Paralyzed by sadness. Heartbroken. Shocked. Wrapped in Ellie's blanket and desperately clinging to the smell of her that still lingered. Hoping to wake up from this nightmare.
5 comments:
This post.
I've learned more about your sweet girl and your fight to keep her than I ever knew. I'm so sorry. Each and every detail is so beautiful and so heartbreaking.
Also, it's quite telling of what life is like as a babyloss mom to post a happy birthday message about Max, your living children, immediately after posting sadness about missing your girl just moments before/after. Bittersweet life.
Very powerful post and picture. I know these must be hard to write and share. Thank you.
This is heartbreaking. You're such a strong woman to be able to share your story.
Beautiful
I read this in tears. I hate these memories we are forced to have. Love you tiffany- hugs,
Felicia
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