From the minute, we had confirmation that "Turtle" was a girl, I started planning her room. We bought her bedding almost right away, it's what I wanted if Max had been a girl... Her room isn't big at all, but it was a fine size for a nursery. I loved Ellie's room. It was pink and girlie and very Ellie. It was where we had all of her things. The clothes she wore, the toys she was just starting to play with, the bed where she laid her fuzzy little head at night. A room filled with happiness, love and joy. Life.
Now, there is an empty closet, empty drawers, bare walls, a bare changing pad and bare mattress.Tubs full of adorable clothes she never got to wear and almost untouched books and stuffed animals. Picture books full of a brand new baby girl and two happy parents, a chubby blue eyed baby wearing pretty dresses and hairbows, a silly crazy haired little girl. All the trappings of the life that once vibrated through that room are still there. But it's so very still now. So quiet.
It's all gone.
For almost nine months, I've known this day would eventually come. When we bought the new house, I knew it would come faster than I wanted. But as I sat in her room last night, by myself in her rocking chair, I felt like it was a surprise. Another thing we didn't have control over. Of course, we are choosing to move, but I wish we could just scoop up her room with it's pretty pinkness and bring it with us. I just wanted everything to stay the same.
I shed my tears last night, in her rocking chair surrounded by the soft glow from her nightlight. We had spent so many hours in the rocking chair. What I wouldn't give to have that back. I would give anything to back in that chair with a sweaty silly girl who quickly closes her eyes, plops her head down on my arm pretending to be asleep- only to open them and smile a split second later. Those are some of the best moments with your baby, alone in a quiet, dim room right before bed... I just want them back.
Ellie~ I am so sorry. It broke my shattered heart into a million more pieces to pack up your beautiful little room this afternoon. I wish we could just bring it with us. It's just another little piece of you we are losing. I promise you will have your own special place at the new house, I have already started planning it. I love you so much baby girl. So, so very much. Forever your Mama.
How Ellie's room looks at night, with just glow of her nightlight...
Thank you girls for helping me get through this horrible day. Love you!
Remembering July 16th, 2010
*** As soon as we get the pictures from the photographers, I will write a post about our event for Ellie! So excited to share the details!