Saturday, July 16, 2011

Ellie's Room


From the minute, we had confirmation that "Turtle" was a girl, I started planning her room. We bought her bedding almost right away, it's what I wanted if Max had been a girl... Her room isn't big at all, but it was a fine size for a nursery. I loved Ellie's room. It was pink and girlie and very Ellie. It was where we had all of her things. The clothes she wore, the toys she was just starting to play with, the bed where she laid her fuzzy little head at night. A room filled with happiness, love and joy. Life.

Now, there is an empty closet, empty drawers, bare walls, a bare changing pad and bare mattress.Tubs full of adorable clothes she never got to wear and almost untouched books and stuffed animals. Picture books full of a brand new baby girl and two happy parents, a chubby blue eyed baby wearing pretty dresses and hairbows, a silly crazy haired little girl.  All the trappings of the life that once vibrated through that room are still there. But it's so very still now. So quiet.

It's all gone.

For almost nine months, I've known this day would eventually come. When we bought the new house, I knew it would come faster than I wanted. But as I sat in her room last night, by myself in her rocking chair, I felt like it was a surprise. Another thing we didn't have control over. Of course, we are choosing to move, but I wish we could just scoop up her room with it's pretty pinkness and bring it with us. I just wanted everything to stay the same.
I shed my tears last night, in her rocking chair surrounded by the soft glow from her nightlight. We had spent so many hours in the rocking chair. What I wouldn't give to have that back. I would give anything to back in that chair with a sweaty silly girl who quickly closes her eyes, plops her head down on my arm pretending to be asleep- only to open them and smile a split second later. Those are some of the best moments with your baby, alone in a quiet, dim room right before bed... I just want them back.

Ellie~ I am so sorry. It broke my shattered heart into a million more pieces to pack up your beautiful little room this afternoon. I wish we could just bring it with us. It's just another little piece of you we are losing. I promise you will have your own special place at the new house, I have already started planning it. I love you so much baby girl. So, so very much. Forever your Mama.


How Ellie's room looks at night, with just glow of her nightlight...

Thank you girls for helping me get through this horrible day. Love you!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Remembering July 16th, 2010


*** As soon as we get the pictures from the photographers, I will write a post about our event for Ellie! So excited to share the details!

12 comments:

Kelly said...

Aww sweetie. I must have been subconsciously thinking of you today cuz I was cleaning up some things in Adam's room and took some things down. I wrote a post about it that I'll post later. I can't even imagine the pain you feel right now cuz just taking things down was hard for me. Her room was just beautiful. Gorgeous pictures as always. Natalie had that little yellow swimsuit last summer. So many hugs to you.

ASHLEY ELDER said...

I am sure that was so hard to do, we are looking to move but I am holding back because I don't want to leave the house where my sweet boy lived. I know that we need to but...thanks for sharing your experience, I am sure it was hard, tough. Thinking of you ((Hugs))

Sarita Boyette said...

Oh, Tiffany, your post just tore at my heartstrings. I'm so sorry you had to leave Ellie's perfect room and that Ellie isn't here. I'm thinking about you and wish I could take away your pain. (((HUGS))) from me, too.

LauraJane said...

What a perfect room.. I love the quote "even miracles need a little time", so perfect.

I'm sure it was a very difficult time for you, taking down that beautiful room. xox

Harlowe said...

That room is so perfect for Ellie. I'm so sorry Ellie isn't there to pack up as well, it's so unfair. Hope you find a little peace in your new home.

Krystle said...

I'm sorry, I have now words to offer except that it is just not fair. You deserve your Ellie to be running around unpacking while you are trying to pack. You will never (and neither will many strangers) forget about her. I'm sorry you have to continue to go through this, I wish it were just a dream you could wake up from.

ccc said...

Those are great pictures of her room and you can treasure them forever. When looking at them, it looked like time standing still--it looked like a room that is being used. I am so sorry you have to pack it up and leave. I am looking forward to pictures of her new room. {{hugs}}

Jennifer said...

Her room was lovely, and I'm sure you will come up with a peaceful, beautiful place to remember her in your new home. My heart just breaks for you. I am so sorry this happened. :(

Janet said...

Ellie's room was beautiful...just like she still is. I cannot even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you. I know you will create a magical new space for sweet Ellie in your new home. Sending hugs and prayers as you continue on this journey.

Deanna said...

I am so sorry, no mother should be packing a baby's room & never be able to unpack it... at least not in the way it SHOULD be. Does that make sense?

Ellie's room was beautiful, and you will create a gorgeous Ellie space in your new home. I hope once things settle to be able to see it in person someday.

I am really blessed to have met you, and honored to be getting to know sweet Ellie. ((hugs))

brigette said...

written so well... I can feel your heart in this. Praying for you that the move goes well and that you can feel your sweet baby near!! Much love mama

Mary said...

What a beautiful room for such a beautiful girl. I am so sorry for your loss. It was over a year after my son died that I went through all of this things. We had put most of his stuff in his crib, which was in our room. Every night, I would walk by, touching and smelling his clothes and toys. I eventually went through it and hated putting all of his precious things away. But i did buy a special bag with the most important items in it...and that hangs off my bed post. This is all so unfair and I am so sorry. I am Tiffany's (Juju's mama) friend Mary.

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