Monday, July 4, 2011

Waking Up is the Hardest Part

We didn't want any of the 4th of July activities this year. Usually, I force Dave into the parade (which I've attended almost every year for as long as I can remember), and we brought Max as an infant, and both kids last year. No one really enjoys the parade, but we go anyways. It's fun to make fun of people (yes, we are those people...) and get irritated by stupid parents who let their children run into the middle of the road for candy. 

But this year, I wasn't in the mood to see little girls with their little ponytails and 4th of July dresses. And there is no way in hell, Max would cooperate for the parade. We talked about going to the carnival but never made it... and I'm totally ok with that. Instead we went to the new house and painted the laundry room. Max was SO good. In between coats, we went up to the pool and even though we were just there for a little bit, it was so relaxing. Max actually liked it and played happily with no tantrums the entire time. It was really nice, something we needed. 

It's in the back of my mind all the time.... we are only moving into this beautiful new house because Ellie died. If she hadn't, we wouldn't have moved. We were perfectly happy in our house now. But I know I can never put another baby in her room, and we want more kids. This house oozes with Ellie, which I love and hate all at the same time. I know she is never coming back and I feel like moving to a new house is a move forward in the most positive way possible. I don't like to think that we are moving on, or starting over. She will always be a part of our life, no matter where we are. We are going to have a room at the new house for her. We aren't going to set up her room, but we are going to paint it the color of her room now and put some of her things in there. It will be a sort of Ellie's Light office. But it will mostly be a place to remember her. 

She will have only been gone 9 months when we move in, I'm not ready to totally pack up her things. I really like the idea of having a room that is just for her. It will definitely make the transition easier. We also have a memorial garden right off the deck in the back for her. I am anxious to get some of her things in the garden. These things won't make moving away from this house any less sad. It won't make packing up her room (less than two weeks...) any less painful. But setting up Ellie's space at the new house, does give me something to look forward too.

As Max and I were in the kitchen at the new house today making lunch, this song came on the radio. I've heard it a million times before, but not really since Ellie died. Now, it has a much different meaning for me. Today was a decent day. But that doesn't change the fact that she isn't here. It doesn't change the fact that we have a headstone, and not an almost 18 month old. Waking up every day and remembering she's gone, is hard. We are slowly, so very slowly, waking up to our new reality. The reality that we only get to be with Ellie in the occasional dream, until we die and can be with her forever. And I think that in many ways, it is the hardest part.

"Dreaming With A Broken Heart"

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was she really here?
Is she standing in my room?
No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The giving up is the hardest part
She takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No she can't, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....


Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand

Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone, gone, gone, gone, gone....

When you're dreaming with a broken heart

The waking up is the hardest part

Remembering July 4th, 2010

 We took Max, Ellie and nephew, Evan to the "Funfest" for some rides and treats. On our way...
 Peanut looking like a little Peanut in her carseat! I love how she is snuggling her blanket and watching her cousin- she LOVED him and thought he was so funny!

Dave with the boys on a ride- Max will likely be traumatized for life. It was a little bumpy!

Ellie and I watching the boys go on rides. Excuse my crazy humidity-hating hair and Ellie's giant spit stain on the wrap...

Giant Slide! (poor Max- totally horrified!)

 Playing with Poppers on the drive-way while the little ones nap

This is the same outfit Max wore on his 1st 4th of July!

She always laughed super hard when she rubbed her hands on Daddy's whiskers!

Max's 1st bike ride with Daddy!

Max's turn for Poppers on the drive-way!

Tired girl ready to go for a walk before bed!

 Happy 4th of July Baby Girl! We miss you so much! We wish more than anything that we suffered in the heat through the parade this morning with you and that you were here so the fireworks could wake you up later. I'm sure you will be able to see a great show up there tonight. We love you Peanut!!


Kelly said...

I love that song. Definitely means something different now. I can't imagine the pain you must feel when you move. I hate our house now (especially since Adam passed), but when we get our next assignment and move, it's gonna be very hard. I imagine Adam's room will be all taken down long before a move (3 years), but leaving the only house he knew and that he came home to and made memories in will be hard. Many hugs to you, as I always say.

Deanna said...

I love this song, it definitely has different meaning for us. I love the picture of you and Ellie, such a happy moment to capture! Also, I am sure you've posted pictures of Ellie in her car seat before, but it is the same one we had for River although he only got to use it twice... I don't know why I just noticed that today.
Thinking of you, and can't wait to see you in 5 days!! :)

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