Friday, July 8, 2011

a long crap filled week

it's been a really long week. a really really long week.

ellie's event is in four days, i've been overtaken by silent auction/ raffle item, phone call, email and paperwork tornado. we are moving in two weeks. maybe i should start packing sometime?? eh....

i miss my girl so so much. this morning i was still in that not-quite-awake, not-quite-still-asleep stage and my mind played a mean, evil trick on me. and it's totally ruined my day. this morning my mind thought that when max was at school, ellie and i would go to target. my mind actually let my heart think that it would be nice to get some time with just ellie (hell yeah it would). a milli-second later, reality set in. devastation. my mind hasn't done this since ellie died. it was a blow like no other and has lead to many, many tears this morning...

all of this combined with some really shitty people who call you from the cemetery where your DEAD baby is buried to tell you they are pregnant with yet another a child they can't take of (yeah they actually did this... WTF?! i shouldn't even get started on this subject, my anger and disgust could write a freakin' book...), have made this a completely exhausting week.

at this point i think it's only a matter of time before they (i'm not sure who "they" are but there has to be people that do it...) come to wrap me up in a straight jacket and pop a handful of a pills in my mouth... and to be honest, it actually sounds pretty appealing...

8 comments:

Jennifer said...

I am so so so sorry. I don't know who these unfeeling a-holes are, but I'm sorry they're in your life. You certainly don't need to hear about that stuff. Your blog shows how very strong you've been, and now you are naturally entering a more difficult phase of your grief. I hope that you will allow yourself to grieve in whatever way is best for you without feeling guilty and without feeling like you should be acting a certain way. I don't know how you've avoided the "men in white coats" so far. Not sure I could have if I were in your shoes. I hope that in the coming days, you'll draw strength from memories of your precious Ellie, strength and joy and peace. I won't pretend to have the slightest clue what you're going through, but I want you to know that I am just one of many strangers rooting for you and thinking about you and your family.
<3 from a fellow mommy.

Kelly said...

Well, that person sounds like a real asshat! I'm sorry that happened. I've had moments like you described when first waking up, and they are just draining. If you go to crazy town, I'd love to come with (and probably should)! A drug induced state sounds like a nice vacation from reality. (((hugs)))

Deanna said...

I'm so sorry, my sweet friend. I am hoping our gathering on Sunday will ease some of the craziness for all of us.
See you soon ((hugs))

Julia said...

I have been following for a while now Tiffany. I won't say I know what you are going through, offer any advice, leave you empty words of wisdom, etc. All I can say is that you have touched my very soul. Your writing is phenomenal & your emotions come through real, raw & deeply heart felt. Ellie is absolutely stunning! With a smile that melts my heart & eyes that could light up the darkest night, "Ellie's Light" is so appropriate. I just want you to know that you are doing an amazing job shining her light. You are in my thoughts & heart. Thank you for allowing me a "little bit of Ellie". Big hugs Tiffany from lil ole Mississippi. Genuinely, Julia

michelle said...

If "they" come for you tell them for when they come for me that I need a small size jacket. hugs

LauraJane said...

I hate people, how insensitive.

Also, why are these twits so fertile? :|

Natasha said...

Sigh.......I'm sorry girl. It's just wrong on so many levels. People suck and are stupid and unfortunately we can't escape them. I wish we could.

Sending lots of hugs....xoxo

Mandy said...

I just wanted to let you know that I think of you and your beautiful Ellie often. I know how easy it is to let others' awful behavior get you down. People inevitably will do and say completely inappropriate things and unfortunately anger toward or with them will have no effect other than to make you feel worse (I did this for far too long after my first loss). I've followed you for some time and sense how much love and hurt is in your heart and what a great person you are. Hang in there while things are not so great and know many many people care for you and about your family.

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