Quite the Weekend

Well, it's almost over. The weekend I have been dreading since late October. A weekend that should have been completely filled with only love, joy, happiness and celebration. A celebration of love. A love between a new husband and wife, and between a mother and her children. Of course, it was still all of those things. But the pain of not having a certain little loved one with us this weekend, weighs vey heavy on my heart. And on a weekend filled with such emotion, it's hard to keep it in. It's hard to pretend the ache and pain aren't there. Once I start down a path filled with tears, it's hard to go back. It's a slippery slope. One step towards the edge, and I can't help but fall over. I hate it, but I find myself avoiding thinking about my sweet girl, just to avoid the tears. I want nothing more than to sit and think about her chubby stinky toes, silly giggle and beautiful blue eyes. But life keeps going on around us, and people seem less tolerant of my tears and pain.
I did a pretty good job keeping the tears in check this weekend. It wasn't until my father-in-law's speech at the wedding, that I couldn't help it anymore. He talked about how the groom, Travis, had been through a lot with our family already. A sudden passing of a grandparent and the tragic loss of Ellie. Travis never flinched. He was there for his bride, Chrissy, the whole way. I remember looking at him that night at the hospital, thinking how much he must love Chrissy. To be in such a horrible place, going through such a terrible thing. I remember telling him he didn't have to come, and he said, "Yes I did."

This past year should have been an amazing year full of excitement for the two of them. They got jipped. Instead of a year full of excitement, the past year was a year of tears and grief. It wasn't fair. But they never complained and did a wonderful job of including our girl in their big day. I could never express how thankful I am for this. For months, I have been thinking how Ellie will be missing from all the family pictures, how I didn't get to pick out a dress and shoes for her to wear, how we didn't get to see her stare at her pretty aunt all dressed up like a princess, how I would have to sit in a pew without her. But yesterday turned out to be a little easier than I imagined. Ellie was definitely there with us.

Ellie was designated as the honorary flower girl, and I'm sure she was all dressed up in Heaven yesterday with flowers in hand. The happy couple had a vase of flowers up front, just in her memory and we attached her picture to Chrissy's boutique. Her picture was in the slide show. People said her name.
Even though it was hard and there were tears, it was a beautiful day. Ellie would have loved being a part of it all. She loved people, attention, dresses and hair- she would have been in her element. Like most things now, it was bittersweet.

We didn't get home until around lunchtime this morning. My mom was at home with Max and after we dropped her off, we went to the cemetery to bring Ellie her flowers from the wedding. The cemetery was full of people. I'm sure most people were there to visit their mothers, not their daughters. Today, was far from what I imagined my Mother's Day to be. We mostly stayed at home and rested. I am grateful we didn't have any gatherings to go to and that I could pretty much forget what today represents. Even though Max is here, Ellie isn't. And Mother's Day doesn't mean much to me without her.

I'm just glad this weekend is almost over...

We love you Travis and Chrissy!

I don't think there has ever been a more beautiful bride!

Our little man did so great as the ring bearer! He wore his tux and walked down the aisle like a pro! He was so adorable!

Chrissy's flowers with Ellie's picture on them.

Max with his Aunt Chrissy!

After the ceremony Max changed into his casual wear- a tuxedo tshirt!

Mother's Day

Out at the cemetery visiting our Ellie.

A truly messed up way to spend Mother's Day.

Ellie's flowers from the wedding at her spot.

The tulips I planted last fall are starting to come up...