Missing my girl so much the last couple days. I'm not really sure why it's been worse lately. I suppose it's because we are coming up on the 24th and 25th of the month. I can't believe that ten months ago, we had no idea she was no fragile and sick.
A couple of nights ago I had a really messed up dream and it's stuck with me ever since. I almost hate to share it because it's so disturbing to me, but maybe if I get it out, I can let it go...
In my dream, I was in the middle of a big city, at a cemetery. The cemetery was divided in hundreds of sections- each section was like a concrete elevated planter, surrounded by sidewalks. Each planter had about 10 caskets in it. This was the cemetery where Ellie was buried. I was going to visit her and bring some items to decorate her area.
At this cemetery, they placed the caskets in the planters and just scattered dirt and sand around them. There wasn't even enough to cover them. Each casket was clearly visible. In my dream, this was apparently the first time I noticed that they did this, and I was furious. I wanted her casket to be fully buried. But they wouldn't do it. The employee told me they did this so that they could keep an eye on the bodies. He then proceeded to peer into Ellie's casket through a porthole and ask me if I wanted to hold her. At first I was appalled and said that I didn't want to see my daughter like that. He promised me that she looked the same, if not better, than when we last saw her at the funeral home.
I went into a waiting type area and the man brought Ellie into me and handed her dead body to me. She had on the same pajamas that we actually did bury her in. In the dream, I didn't look at her face. But in the dream, I was thinking that she did look better than last time we saw her. But it still didn't look like her. I spent the rest of my dream sitting on a somewhat dirty tile floor in an entry way of a waiting area, holding Ellie's body and rubbing my face in her fuzzy hair...
When I woke up, I could still feel her hair on my face. And that was an amazing gift. But it made my heart ache for her like it hasn't in a long time. It was just a split second taste of what I want more than anything else. It’s this reminder of what I am missing in my every day that has haunted for the last few days.
I was just starting to feel a peace settle over me in the last couple weeks. And I feel like this dream has really set me back. Not because it reminded me of what I’m missing so badly, I am well aware of that, but it brought to the forefront, something that I consciously push to the back. Ellie’s lifeless body. Like any other parent who has lost a child, seeing their body is something that haunts you. It’s the exact opposite feeling of seeing them when they were born.
When Ellie got sick, her body turned against her in the worst way possible. There is no way for anyone to ever fully understand what she looked like that day, unless you were there. I thank God that I can’t see what her face looked like that day. But I remember her skin, her fingers and toes and ears. I remember the tubes- there were SO many tubes, the blood, the colors, the oozing. I remember breaking down when we saw her body for the first time at the funeral home. Very little of her was recognizable. The funeral director worked hard to make her look “normal” but it was obvious that any normal coloring she had was make-up. Any touch would smudge it, revealing the grayness beneath.
There are times when I’m at the cemetery and I have to tell myself to not let my mind go there. Sometimes it starts to anyways. I try not to think about the small pink, fuzzy footie pj clad baby girl buried beneath the headstone. I try not to think about what her body looks like now. My mind never goes all the way there, I don’t think my heart would ever let it. But it’s just enough to shake me to my core. These are unspeakable thoughts. They are disturbing, maddening and heart-shattering. This nightmare has been like a big boa constrictor wrapped tightly around me. It’s made it hard to breathe, and I’m wondering if it’s just going to keep getting tighter until I finally just black out.
If there’s one thing I’ve learned about this whole “grieving process” is that it goes in phases. It’s nothing that a stupid book or expert will tell you about, but it’s something that’s personal. I’m sure in a few days, my outlook will take an upswing. The 24th and 25th get me everything month, whether I realize its coming or not. I know I just have to ride it out. But I’m tired of being sad. I’m tired of this ache and hurt that lives in my heart. I’m tired of the crushing anxiety. I’m mad that I had to give up my daughter and bring this shit home with me instead.
Peanut- I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. Love you to the moon and back and a million times more.
Remembering August 23rd, 2010
|What girl doesn't like a trashy magazine??|
|Max and Daddy|