My Sweet Ellie Belle,
Today is yet another day that no parent should ever have to experience. Now, you've been gone for longer than you were in our arms. Thinking of this, makes me sick to my stomach. It's a hard thing for me to wrap my mind around. Of course, I also had you for nine months tucked safely underneath my heart. But during that time we weren't able to look at your beautiful face and listen to your sweet noises.
The amazing time we had with you seemed to fly by. You came and went in an instant. How is it that it was in fact a whole lifetime? Our time without you seems to have lasted for years but at the same time, I can't believe that it's been nine whole months. I don't understand how the world has kept spinning without you...
Even though we go about our daily activities like we did nine months ago, don't be fooled, little girl, you are always on our minds. I miss you in every second and with every breath I take. There isn't anything I do and not think about how it should be. You should be here with us. You should be at the dinner table, in the cart at Target beside your brother, in the backseat in your big girl car seat, you should be flying around the house destroying everything in your path. The should-be, it's always, always there. You are always here.
We were so lucky to get nine incredible months with you. I wouldn't trade those for anything. But it wasn't long enough. I wanted more. There's so much we missed, and even though I believe we will get to make up for lost time someday, I don't want to wait. I want my girl now. I miss our cuddles and your fuzzy head tickling my face and your sweet baby smell. I miss watching you slap your chubby little hand down on your toys and your funny growl. I miss the weight of you in my arms and patting your round diaper butt. It's been way too long of just missing you.
A few weeks ago, when Daddy and I were talking to the reporter about why we are doing Ellie's Light, I mentioned that we were scared people were going to forget about you (I know, who could forget you?!). It was the only time I let a tear slip out during our interview. Your time with us was so short, I worry that your memory will start to fade in everyone's mind. To us, you will always be there, and a part of our family and life- no matter what. But what about everyone else? So that's why we do Ellie's Light, Peanut. We do it so that everyone will know what a great little girl you are and that your infectious little smile be forever remembered.
It kills me to think about living the rest of my life without you here, but I promise you, that I will do my best to make sure your little light keeps shining and that you aren't forgotten. But you have to promise me a couple of things too. You have to keep coming to see me in my dreams every once in a while (happy dreams only), and you have to keep sending me signs that you are near. Deal?
I love you so, so much Peanut. No amount of time or distance will ever change that. You are forever my Peanut, my baby, my daughter, my little goofball, my Ellie.
Forever your Mama.
Remembering August 3rd, 2010
Pretty Girl, Remember this day? Your cousin came over to play and because you were starting to be such a little ham, you two had a lot of fun together. He liked handing you toys and making you giggle. You never took your eyes off of him and just wanted whatever attention you could get from him. Later that day we went over to Ma and Bompa's so you could meet GG for the first time. These are some of my favorite pictures.
|Two boys + too many toys= Big mess!|
|One of the very few pictures of the three of you, I always thought there would be time for more...|
|Daddy and his little girl|
|Oh Peanut, you are something else!|
|You are a seriously beautiful little girl. I'm so glad I get to call you MINE!|
Remember when we tried to get a good picture of the three of you... Ha!
The only time you were ever with G.G.
Remember what happened when we tried to get a picture of you, me, GG and Max??
|Totally you, Peanut.|