Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Eleven Months

Elle Belle,
Happy eleven month birthday! I bet you would be into everything by now. All over the place. It would have been nearly impossible to get my 11 month picture of you. I probably would have been able to put that crazy hair in a pony tail by now- right before you died, we were already able to put a little flower barrette in it. I actually found the barrette you had in your hair at the Children's Museum the day before you died, I thought we had lost it. Yesterday at Kohls I opened the storage compartment in the stroller and there it was. A little tiny black and white flower shaped punch in the gut. I tried to remember what you were wearing that last day, and I can't- it's gone. I hate myself for not bringing the camera to the museum with us that day. I usually bring the camera everywhere- I practically stalk you kids, like some wildlife photographer trying to capture some never before seen footage. I would give anything for some pictures of that last day, when we were so unaware of the misery that awaited us the next day. Even if you were sick that day, you didn't show it. I can remember you sitting on the floor, smiling while I waved the pink and blue scarves over your head. Do you remember playing peek-a-boo? You kept giving me that goofy smile.

Tonight Grams, Gramps, Ma, Dada, Max and I took all of the toys to the Toys for Tots warehouse. We stayed to help sort and box toys for awhile. It was nice to do something in honor of you. Maxer even had fun putting toys into the bins. Afterwards I rode with Ma because Dada took Max home to sleep before we were done. So Ma and I stopped at the cemetery to see your lights- Dada said they were on when him and Max drove by. We walked through the knee high snow over to your spot. Remarkably, your wreath, small pink Christmas tree, marker and the light solar panels were not hardly covered with snow. I thought they would be buried under at least a foot of snow, like everything else. Your little spot was perfect.

I hate that you're not here. We should be preparing for your very first Christmas. It shouldn't be like this. I miss you so much little Peanut. Nine months isn't long enough. You would have changed so much in the last month and a half. I bet you would be jabbering like crazy, maybe pulling yourself up to stand. You would be into the Christmas tree every time I turned around and have half the presents already unwrapped. But there would be no way I could be mad at you because you would just look at me, scrunch up your nose, squint your eyes, grab onto your toes and just smile. You were so cute and you knew it, and you knew you could use it against us. I miss that. I miss everything.
It's going be a hard next month. We have to have Christmas without you, enter a new year- one that you never saw, and in exactly one month we will celebrate your birthday. And even though it's going to kill us to be without you on that very important day, I promise we will make you proud. I have been doing lots of planning. But I need you to help us get through this next month. Send us signs, send us strength and love and peace. Send us your light baby girl.

Happy eleven month bday Peanut!
I love you!

Ellie's gift: The load of toys before we delivered them.

Dada and Max sorting toys

Silly girl

Love you forever and ever. And ever.


Tim said...

I got your grandma's Christmas card today. It usually brings such joy. All the news of the family and all of the Carver successes. Most years she fills the page and then adds a handwritten note on the side in red ink (much like my homework many years ago in her class). I knew as I opened the envelope there would be no joy or stories of who has graduated from where and who is chasing bad guys and living their dreams. The letter didn't take up half the page. There was nothing left to say. I hope you and Dave are getting some time to just stay sane. I worry about you guys and the difficulty of sanity and normalcy. Max sure seems to be growing in just the month that I have seen his photos. I'm always amazed by the posted pics of Elle and how she always has either a grin or smile on her face. Good night and tomorrow the sun will rise, her smile will look down on you, and it will give you the strength to look up and say thank you and make it through another day.

Post a Comment