Saturday, December 4, 2010

Pieces of You

My dear Ellie,

Almost all of your things are exactly where they were the night we came home from the hospital without you. Your sweater is on the back of the chair. Your high chair is still in its place in the dining room. Your port-a-crib is still set up in the porch, filled now with your funeral programs, things we've brought back from the cemetery, gifts. Your bottle drying rack is still on the counter, the bottle racks from the dishwasher, sitting on top. Even though these are just things, they are your things. They are pieces of you.

The last story I read to you is still sitting next to the nighstand in your room, right where I left it before I put you in your crib that last night. Your thermometer is sitting on our dresser, I just don't want to put it away yet. Your sippy cup of water is still on my nightstand. The last time you took a drink out of it, you must have had sticky medicine on your lips, because I can see you little lip prints on the top. Everytime I see it, I remember giving you a sip out of it and then you snuggling back into my chest. Some people might think that it's crazy I haven't put that cup away yet, but I don't have you so I want any little piece of you that I can keep. It's the same reason we haven't cleaned your little handprints off the bathroom mirror. You can't hardly seem them, but they are there and we know it. And I just can't bring myself to wash them away.

In my mind, I know just because we put away your stuff, it doesn't mean that we love you any less. But my heart feels like with every toy, book, cup or sweater of yours that gets put away, we move a little further from you. At first I couldn't bear to look at your things but I couldn't bear to not look at them either. Now, I like that when people come into this house that don't know you are now an angel because it looks like a baby lives here. I'm worried that once your things get put away, it will be like you weren't even here. Of course, we will always know you were here. We will always have your pictures and your favorite things out. You will always be in our hearts.

I know eventually we will have to put some of your things away but right now I like them out. I love the reminders of you. To me, your room is a peaceful, it doesn't make me anymore sad than I already am. Honestly, I don't know if I will ever be ready to make your nursery into someone else's room or office. That was made especially for you, I want it to stay that way.

I miss you so much baby girl. My heart aches to snuggle you and rub my face on that fuzzy head. I am going to go curl up with your blankies and hope I have another dream about you. Thank you for coming to see my in my dream last night- it was amazing.

I love you Ellie Lauree. Whether your sweater is on the couch or put away in a closet, I love you. Whether your bouncy seat is in the bathroom or in the storage room, I love you. Whether your car seat is in the backseat or in the basement, I love you.
Mama loves you!

All tucked out after playing in the kiddie pool

Love those hands- one finger was always sticking out in a different direction than the others.


Anonymous said...

hi~I have been following your blog. I am so sorry about your loss. You are such an amazing person who is talented in using your gift of writing to express to perfect strangers your emotional journey. I cry each night I read your entry, but hold onto the hope that I can read more the next day. Thank you so much for sharing. Your daughter is beautiful. Amazing. And you are so lucky to have her.

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