I told the doctor I still feel a lot of guilt. I had a gut feeling something was wrong and never pushed to find out what it was. I feel like I could have stopped her from dying. After all, I'm her mother, that's what we do- we are supposed to protect our babies from harm. Without missing a beat, the doctor said, "You feel guilty because you are a mother. You feel like that because you are a mom that loved her baby. Even though you could not have prevented this, you will feel like you could. You would feel guilty if you were outside with your child on a perfect sunny day, a freak lightning bolt came out of the sky and struck your child. You would feel responsible. Because you are a mother. Dad's are shattered too when a child dies but it's not the same. The connection between a mother and child is almost indescribable."
Doctor was right on. My brain knows I shouldn't feel guilty. My heart hasn't got the memo yet.
|Ellie's pink & purple tree and specially decorated Christmas wreath at the cemetery|
On a much brighter note, Max said MOMMY today! Intentionally! To me! Looking right at me! AND he said, "bye bye daddy!" This is a huge deal for Max. He has never referred to us as anything. He has never said Mommy before to me. Ellie said "Mama" a lot. After she died I didn't think I would hear that for a very long time. That was a much needed and appreciated gift from him today!