Friday, December 24, 2010

"merry" christmas

My beautiful baby girl,

Tonight is Christmas Eve. It would have been your first. Instead, it's our first, without you. This was one of the days I'd been dreaming about all year. You and Maxer would have been the perfect ages for Christmas presents, forced pictures with Santa, cookies, stockings... I can picture you in your Santa dress, white ruffle butt tights, little shoes, red hair bow. I just know you would have loved every second of our typical Christmas Eve celebration. You would have torn into your presents without hesitation and had a mouthful of wrapping paper most of the night. We would have seen your "excited dance" throughout the night as we moved from dinner, to presents, to Christmas pjs. You were so perceptive and would have sensed the excitement in the air.
Nothing was typical about tonight. In fact, we did presents last night. For that I am thankful. I couldn't imagine trying to fake it tonight. Max has no interest in Christmas. He isn't anywhere near understanding the Santa concept, won't watch Christmas movies, won't let us read Christmas stories and wants nothing to do with unwrapping presents. If Max had interest, we would have faked it. But without you, Peanut, I just don't care. I just want to survive. Christmas Eve used to be my favorite night of the year. Now it will never be the same again. From now on, there will always be someone missing.
I would give anything to have you here with us. Tucked safely in bed, all snuggled up on your side with blankie and giraffe, dressed in Christmas footies.
Exactly two months ago, we were standing at your bedside praying for a miracle. For whatever reason, we didn't get it. I can't believe it's been two months. It seems like forever since you've been gone. It seems like forever since I've held you close and smelled your sweet baby smell.
Exactly a year ago, you were tucked safely inside my tummy. I remember coming home, putting Max in bed and talking with Daddy before we went to bed. We were so excited for what next Christmas would bring. I remember not sleeping very well that night, we were getting so big and you kept kicking me all night. I remember thinking I couldn't much bigger, and neither could you- the "Inn was full." I never thought, for even a second, that we would be where we are today- so vacant. I suppose most people would say heaven is the best place to celebrate Christmas. But "most people" don't matter. I'm your Mommy, I want you here, with me. With us.
Maybe tonight I will put another cookie on Santa's plate and maybe tomorrow I will get my Christmas wish and wake up from this nightmare.
I love you Ellie!

Milk & Cookies for Santa, Carrots for Reindeer.
A lit purple candle for Ellie.
Thank you so much Kaelin, Brett and Kerri!

Ellie's spot. Her Christmas with the stuff for Santa & candle. Hopefully her Christmas lights are shining bright.


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