Six weeks ago was a line in the sand. Everything will now be defined as before Oct 24 & Oct 25 and after. Before, we were so ignorantly and blissfully happy. We had no idea what was headed straight for us. Now, "the after," we are painfully aware that nothing is safe. Six weeks ago, we not only lost the most beautiful little girl, but we lost of our sense of security. Parents always worry that something will happen to their children, especially mothers, but the worry is usually unfounded and for nothing. A parent should never have to look down at their child's unrecognizable body, cluttered with tubes and bandages, and tell the doctor it's ok to turn off the machines- that she's ready to go now. Six weeks ago, it all changed.
As we sat in the porch the other night, we noticed how beautiful it was with the fresh coat of snow and twinkle of the few lights on the small purple Christmas tree. Our lives should be perfect right now. It doesn't get any better than two safe, warm cuddly babies asleep in their cribs, a twinkling Christmas tree and white dusted pine trees. Now, the lights and the pretty trees make me mad. Tonight, while we were out running errands, I saw a many Christmas trees all lit up in the porches of houses we passed by. I didn't know those people in there, but I don't like them. Any of them. I bet they were sitting on their couches enjoying the view of their horribly perfect tree. Six weeks ago, we were like them. Now, we aren't. Now we are different.
Seven weeks ago, we had it all. I could snuggle Ellie all I wanted. I was laughing at her crazy hair sticking up all over the place and her chunky thighs poking out from under her dress. I was listening to her holler at Max to get his attention. I was watching her figure out the world around her. Now, we are trying to figure out the world around us, without her.
It's been six weeks, and every day, every minute, I still can't believe she's gone. I still can't believe our lives have been turned upside down like this. I can't believe that six weeks ago, our Ellie was snatched out of our lives forever.
I miss you Peanut.
|Mama and her koala bear|