Friday, December 31, 2010

Time marches on

It's December 31, 2010. New Years Eve Day. The last day of 2010. Tomorrow will be 2011. A new year.

This time last year, we were anxiously awaiting the arrival of our baby girl. I was begging my doctor to have mercy and induce me early. Ellie was pressed against a bundle of nerves causing my legs to alternate from numbness and tingling to extreme pain. But, I was so excited to meet our my daughter. I knew she would be perfect and beautiful.

2010 was to be an amazing year. And until October, it was. Max was turning into a hilarious, smart little boy. On January 15, Ellie arrived and was the dream baby. She was so easy going and happy. We couldn't ask for anything more. It was definitely stressful having two kids under two, but I wouldn't have had it any other way.
When October hit, everything fell apart. We learned Max would need special education classes and our hearts broke when our perfect little peanut was ripped from our lives. It was so unexpected, so sudden, so horrific- we never saw it coming. There is nothing that could ever prepare you for such a tragic thing and as far as I can tell, nothing that can make it better.

Everyday, I still can't believe she is gone. We have been trudging through this "life" without her for over two months now. There is a part of me that hates the sun for continuing to rise every morning. I hate that people keep going about their business, like nothing ever happened. I hate myself for doing this too. There is laundry to be done, errands to be run and a toddler to feed, wash and entertain. I may not like it or want it, but time marches on. Even without her.
To me, tomorrow represents that no matter how I feel or hurt, life is going to keep going on without our blue eyed, chunky thighed, silly, goofy girl. 2010 was the only year that Ellie ever saw. 2010 was the Year of Ellie. As painful as 2010 has been the last couple months, I don't want to leave it behind. I don't want to leave my girl behind.


Anonymous said...

I found your blog through another blog a few weeks ago. I wanted to let you know that my heart aches for you and every night I wonder why such a beautiful little girl was so horrifically taken from you and the rest of the world. I pray that 2011 brings good things to you and your family.

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